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Monday, June 30, 2014

Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support


Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create an empty New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I Exit without Saving?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch documents in the middle of my work?
A: Stop shaking it.

*Author unknown

I Lost My Toot!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG



1. Try everything twice. On Madams tombstone (of Whelan's and Madam) she said she wanted this epitaph: Tried everything twice...loved it both times!

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
(keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches;)

3. Keep learning:

Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.


5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.

6. The tears happen:
Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love:
Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.


8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips.
Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.


11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second time.

And if you don't send this post to at least 4 people - who cares?


But do share this with someone.

Inside Insides

Magnetic Resonance Imaging of Foods

Andy Ellison

The Jackfruit: This beast is the Jackfruit. Although it doesn't show in the scan, this thing is massive. 22 lbs and about a foot and a half tall, I barely could fit it in any of my coils. Therefore you'll notice that the scan isn't the entire fruit, slices at either end of the stack were victims to horrific signal loss and ugly images, so I trimmed them off.


MRI of a Jackfruit

Click here to see more Inside Insides!

Sunday, June 29, 2014

CHOLESTEROPHOBIA...

Why ARE Men Happier ?

Men Are Just Happier People - Click here for a cartoon

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost
never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.


You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25minutes.
No wonder men are happier!!

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder: What does it feel like to have ADHD?

From Quora.com, by Adam Mordecai, Dad, Upworthy Editor-at-Large, Writer, Movie & TV

It's awesome and it's awful.


What does ADD/HDD  feel like


Growing up, I would get remarks like, "oh, you are just lazy," or "are you sure you aren't just bored?" I would constantly feel inadequate, as though my brain were broken, that I was somehow inferior to everyone else. I would miss assignments, I would forget things I was told 10 minutes earlier, I would fall asleep in class without provocation, I would set things down for 5 seconds and have no idea where I put them. I'd lose time, sitting down to do something for an hour and realize 4 hours had passed. I would fall asleep at professional sporting events. I've heard, "It's all in your head" and "you just need to get more organized" and "it's a made up thing for lazy people". I've let people down, over promised and under delivered, lost track of things that were important to my long term health, and disappointed friends and family over and over again. It's really fun to reach a point in your life where your compatriots expect you not to do the things you promise to do. Especially when they know you really mean to do it, and just forget. How my wife has tolerated me this many years is mind boggling. That's the awful part.

Growing up, I would come up with things no one else had the wherewithal to think about. I would ace creative projects. I would create things that people loved and were entertained by. I could bring a level of showmanship to dates that other dudes would envy. I could make people laugh. I could invent massively complex fun hotness on projects no one else considered to make exciting. I could help other people harness their creative energy. I could make other people's work better. I could have no edit button and say things with confidence that get me places other people would be afraid to say. My lack of shame and my creative confidence allows me to think way outside the box. That has allowed me to accomplish great and silly things a normal life would not have afforded me. That's the awesome part.

For every great disappointment, I have a greater triumph. For every friend I've let down, I've gotten their back in a more creative and helpful way down the road. For every distraction, I've gotten a-

Hold on, playing just one more level of Angry Birds, I'll get back to you.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Things You Didn't Know You Didn't Know...

Did you know...

15 things you didn't know about the human body

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.

A shrimp's heart is in its head.

In a study of 200,000 ostriches
over a period of 80 years,
no one reported a single case where
an ostrich buried its head in the sand.

It is physically impossible
for pigs to look up into the sky.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

More than 50% of the people in the world
have never made or received a telephone call.

Horses can't vomit.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick"
is said to be the toughest tongue twister
in the English language.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib.
If you try to suppress a sneeze,
you can rupture a blood vessel
in your head or neck and die.
If you keep your eyes open by force,
they can pop out.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months,
two rats could have over a million descendants.

Wearing headphones for just an hour
will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

If the government has no knowledge of aliens,
then why does Title 14, Section 1211
of the Code of Federal Regulations,
implemented on July 16, 1969,
make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact
with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

In every episode of Seinfeld
there is a Superman somewhere.

A duck's quack doesn't echo,
and no one knows why.

23% of all photocopier faults worldwide
are caused by people sitting on them
and photocopying their butts.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Like fingerprints,
everyone's tongue print is different.

Over 75% of people who read this
will try to lick their elbow.

LAUGHTER IS GOOD MEDICINE


A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: A brand new Ferrari GTO. It is the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money", says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour" states the young man proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem", replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around, Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped.

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph! Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, suddenly...

Woooooosssshhhhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

What on Earth could be going faster than my Ferrari the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph.

Whoooooosssshhhhh! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the old man and says, "Oh my God! Are you OK? Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers..." Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your...side... view... mirror."

Very Catholic!


* A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed:

"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

*I know...these are Macaws...

Friday, June 27, 2014

The Cowboy

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three pints of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin and I'm in Texas. When we all left Wyoming, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we were together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders only two pints!

All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains...

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and obviously I had to quit drinking.

Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Dolphins, Cheese and Ghandi --Oh, my!

Dolphins

A Marine Biologist discovered that he could prolong the life of dolphins almost indefinitely if they were fed on certain rare species of sea-gull. Naturally he decided to feed his own dolphins on this diet.

Unfortunately, he began to run out of supplies from the coast and had to start obtaining his seagulls from an inland lake. This necessitated crossing a national park filled with sleeping lions.

He carefully moved around the lions on tip-toe so as not to wake them ... However a park ranger came along and arrested him for transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.



The King's Pizza

One day (just before Christmas, probably), Good King Wenceslas decided that he was fed up with the food at the palace, so he phoned up his local Italian restaurant for a takeaway pizza.

"Certainly, your Majesty" says the Manager, "Would you like your usual"?
"Yes please," replied the King, "same as always - deep pan, crisp and even"


The Poor Shepherd

There once was a poor shepherd named Yorgi. The only food he had to sustain himself on was the milk he got from the sheep, and it tasted so bad that he could barely drink it. As a result, Yorgi became thin and sickly.

One day, he met his friend Vladimir. Vladimir was a poor shepherd like himself, but he was hearty and healthy. Vladimir told him that he had to live on sheep's milk too, but he let him on a secret: a witch in a nearby village taught him a magic spell that makes sheep's milk taste as sweet as the richest cream. Yorgi begged Vladimir to teach him the spell, which his friend did willingly.

Sure enough, Yorgi's sheep produced the most delicious milk he ever tasted. Yorgi loved it so much, that he drank it by the liter. He milked his sheep so much that they cried out in pain. Yorgi realized that he couldn't make his sheep suffer like that, so he reversed the spell and resigned himself to drinking normal sheep's milk.

Now, there's no ewes crying over spelled milk.


Revenge of the Kangaroos

There are reports of a new problem in Australia. Some of the kangaroos have developed a thirst for revenge against the traffic that keeps knocking them down. Drivers have reported that they'll pass a herd of roos that are hopping along peacefully, but as soon as they've passed them, the roos suddenly change direction, and veer right towards the vehicle. The driver then has to drive as quickly as possible to escape the rampaging marsupials.

Drivers are being urged to keep an eye on their veer-roo mirror at all times.


Sherlock Holmes and the Mysterious Painting

Shelock Holmes and Doctor Watson were doing their usual investigative business one day, when the uncovered an amazing painting. At first glance, it looked like a picture of normal oak tree, in the middle of a wilderness, but if you looked closer, you could see that it was a very surreal painting: The tree's trunk was actually made of fire, and it's branches were made of ice, clouds and earth.

"What is it?" asked Watson in awe.

"It's an element tree, my dear Watson," said Holmes.


Cheese on the Moon

A group of astronaughts are on the moon. They've been mining the surface, and have discovered that it really is made of cheese.

One particular area of cheese that they're quite interested in is a large vein of brie, and they've already been there twice, and collected samples to be returned to mission control.

All of a sudden, the radio crackles into life: "Mission control to cheese-base-one - we need you to get a third load of that brie!"

But the astronaughts are unhappy with the idea. They try to come up with all sorts of excuses why they shouldn't dig any more...

"It'll spoil the environment if we take too much. We don't want to leave this place looking bad.

"After all - have you ever seen such a site in your life as brie mined thrice?"


And now 10 Short ones:

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.


4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him -- oh, man, this is so bad, it's good --

a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Lessons from an Oyster

"There once was an oyster
Whose story I tell,
Who found that some sand
Had got into his shell.
It was only a grain,
but it gave him great pain.
For oysters have feelings
Although they're so plain.
Now, did he berate
the harsh workings of fate
That had brought him
To such a deplorable state?
Did he curse at the government,
Cry for election,
And claim that the sea should
Have given him protection?
'No,' he said to himself
As he lay on a shell,
Since I cannot remove it,
I shall try to improve it.
Now the years have rolled around,
As the years always do,
And he came to his ultimate
Destiny ­ stew.
And the small grain of sand
That had bothered him so
Was a beautiful pearl
All richly aglow.
Now the tale has a moral,
for isn't it grand
What an oyster can do
With a morsel of sand?
What couldn't we do
If we'd only begin
With some of the things
That get under our skin.
These things I command you, that ye may
LOVE one another...
Owe no man anything, save to LOVE one another

...God

How To Install a Poor-man's Security System:


Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots – a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine.

Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dog dish.

Leave a note on your front door that says something like:

"Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in ½ hr. Don't disturb the pit bulls; they've just been de-wormed."

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Things You Should Know Ain't True...

Some Recent NOT TRUE Internet Claims

Untrue: AIDS virus is being injected into randomly chosen vicitms in crowded theaters and night clubs

Untrue: Antiperspirants cause breast cancer

Untrue: Aspartane causes everything from memory loss to Multiple Sclerosis.

Untrue: An ATM customer died after licking a cyanide-coated deposit envelope (currently big in Canada)

Untrue: "Blue Star" tattoos are laced with LSD

Untrue: Enfalac baby formula and dog food caused a toddler's stomach to explode.

Untrue: Febreze fabric deodorizer is toxic to pets

Untrue: Licking an envelope caused a cockroach to hatch in someone's tongue

Untrue: LSD & strychnine on pay phone buttons

Untrue: Mountain Dew shrinks testicles and lowers sperm count

Untrue: Procter & Gamble's pot-scrubbers contain an Agent Orange derivative

Untrue: Pull-tabs from soft-drink cans are redeemable for dialysis

Untrue: Shampoo ingredient sodium laureth sulfate causes cancer

Untrue: "Toilet spiders" kill 5 in Chicago airport

Untrue: Toxic tampons Contain Asbestos

Untrue: Waterproof sunscreen causes blindness in children

The Ugly Bus

A bus-load of only ugly people has a terrible and unfortunate accident crashing head-on into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. At the pearly gates, because of all the grief they have suffered throughout their life because of their looks, St. Peter decides to grant them each one wish before they enter Heaven.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is..."I want to be gorgeous," says the first one. So God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says: "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on and on, as each one asks to be gorgeous, but when God is about halfway through, He hears loud laughter coming from the very back of the line...When there are only about ten people left, God notices this Coast Guard Master Chief at the end of the line, just laughing his head off!

Finally, God reaches the Master Chief and asks him what his wish will be. The Master Chief eventually calms down and says: "Make'em all ugly again."

The moral of this story:


- SOMETIMES IT DOES PAY TO BE AT THE END OF THE LINE!

Junior Detective

Two young boys were discussing their parents, when one realized he really knew very little about his mother.

Arriving home that evening, he gave her a third degree examination.

"How old are you?" he asked.

"None of your business," replied his mother, shortly.

"Okay, then how much do you weigh?"

"That's not your business either, young man."

The boy thinks a minute then delivers his final bombshell. "Well, then, can you tell me why you and daddy got divorced?"

Shocked and appalled, Mom sends junior to bed without supper.

The next day, the kid reports his failure to his schoolmate. "I know!" says his buddy, "Just look at her driver's license in her purse. It'll tell you everything you want to know."

Later that day, Mom finds her son next to her disemboweled purse, holding her driver's license.

"Just what the heck do you think you are doing?" she yells.

"Well, you wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know," says the junior detective, "but my friend said it's all right here. See, you're 40 years old...you weigh 145 pounds...and daddy divorced you because you got an 'F' in Sex."

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

They Need Your Help!

I know you are busy over the fast-approaching summer season, but just give this some thought. Instead of buying reletives gifts this year that they will probably hate anyways, I think this is a good idea.

I don't know if you are aware but I have been doing a bit of charity work lately for a homeless shelter around the area. As we approach the busy summer season at a rapid pace, I would like to bring to your attention that the following orphans will be all alone this year.

Please take a look at the list and if you would like to spend part of Summer days with one of them just let me know. Thank you for opening your hearts to them. I know you really do have your hands full right now, but I think you will agree with me that this is a very worthy cause.

Please click here and look at some of the available orphans.

Inebriated Ramblings - a poem by Senyru

Inebriated Ramblings
Author : Senyru


Hesitation:

you seemed to dwell in its caves and abandoned
the elusive concepts of perception in favour of
your curiosity, echoes of silence and thoughts
that bled like ruptured arteries -

but, was it worth it?

I, unknowingly whispered the secrets of my muse
to winds that only learned to waltz to the beatings
of synchronized hearts - but, I neglected to ink
the notes of our composition,

and such,

I dread the day where I must confront the
truths of how I flirted with bereavement
even though I was betrothed to melancholy

(a beautiful mistress who loved to whistle
the hymns of forgotten pains).

Your countenance spoken in waves of regret -

like you drew parallel lines to the ambiguity
of the tinges of majestic purples, deep-jet blacks,
bountiful reds oranges and yellows that was found
on your palette whenever you wished to breathe
artistry on the canvass of night skies that were
to reflect you. You sought atonement in the alignment
of the stars - counting them away aimlessly (child-like,
innocent) with fervor that served as accoutrement
for your morale that embraced elegance and lament.

At the risk of sounding cliche - I clung onto you, like lint on sweaters.

...for I needed you to quell the quakes that brought travesty
to my realities that encompassed reveries that
bordered on pragmatism and infeasible doctrines.

..for I needed you to dawn the role of Lady Justice
and bring order to the unruliness of my empire as
I once thought leniency equated to the keeping of peace.

..for I needed you .. because I wanted. well rather want you.

Cowardice - it tasted mephitic upon famished
tongue but more so, since it provocated memories
and illusions of a past that I so desperately yearn to
repress and keep it tucked under veils of mist in the
recesses of my mind. I never told you the truth about
my infatuation with apocalyptic-nights and the
paleness of the moon that brought forth a sense
of clemency as it contrasted every
ill-mannered prayers. I drank wines that poisoned
me with ruthless clarity and proposed that
a heart of darkness is the lesser of two evils,
and as for the moon - I consumed a plethora
of fables of how she donned a white chariot
to serve as a petrifying reminder of mortality
and that we live on borrowed time..
and I never seized presented opportunities to
read into your novel - chapters that remain unexplored
while I marinate in your once saccharine words
that were tattooed on my heart (never on skin)
that were reminiscent of the ataraxia your
subconscious so desperately craved.
I found myself lost in your foreword, and
by mid-plot in the early pages of your beginning,
I felt the lashes of your affliction - though, I never
had the chance to learn why..
and as far as I know, the ink of the ending
is yet to dry on parchment.

Hurricanes and tornadoes pale to the storm that's
brewing in your heart, and no amount of engineered
levees can withhold when you choose to dispel
the pent up cries and screams that's been accumulating
for a half-dozen years. The sky will be blotted in your
tears flooding the canals of Venice with unuttered thoughts
while the lament in your voice oscillates like it was
solar wind kissing the atmosphere and birthing a sight
for sore eyes - you were always my aurora borealis
(in the coldest of voids, you were the one
thing made it bearable).

You once told me that you were skilled in the
ivory and ebony keys and the strings of a violin
that you nonchalantly plucked at with a bow
to orchestrate musical soliloquies that
kept hinting at sunken ships of the coast
of lighthouses. But the chartreuse of your irises
never faulted, and the paleness of your pink lips
won me over again and distracted me from
your overbearing Magna Carta.

... The fire of a dragon yearns through a heart's king
that beats the blood of a slave; through glory and
misery, he must learn to reign with a gentle
iron first. But even something as mighty
as a dragon can fall to a penguin..

...the poetry of your words left me with
cravings
and the winds of voyage coerced you to
set sail towards
an Arabian Night.
I was
left to captors that drank from fountains
that could never quench their thirst for
knowledge (that they knew they could
not obtain).

The embers of your superfluous
words-forgotten still carve their presence
unto my skin in an impertinent attempt to
cling onto a thread of immortality - I'd
be lying if your thesis had not manifested
into something greater (to the likes of
the ever famous lopsided smile of
Mona Lisa) ... and it'd be a blatant
lie to deny that I always found myself
lost to the stardust of your eyes. I dreamed
of a cliff painted grotesque grey and the sky
with tinges of black and purple lingering
in the presence of a million odd stars
that gazed right back at us - even when
we were rendered breathless
in the magnitude of the resplendent cosmos,
and slowly intoxicating ourselves with
the realization that our existences are but a
minuscule speck on the time-line of space, I
found myself lost to the stardust of your eyes.

...and I know that you were swayed by tides
that were never addressed to you (like how you
enthused in sunsets and sunrises that
never sang your lullaby) and that's what captivated
me. You were always quick to drown in oceans
and sacrifice (more accurately volunteer) for lead
that were inscribed with names other than yours,
like you were keen to follow the mercenaries of midnight
rather than the domineers of dawn

but I never understood why.

In spite of all your pleasant mannerisms and the
polished air that you carried - why is it that your
soul gravitated towards means of seeking reparations
like your history is aggregated by sins
and wrongdoings that keep you plagued? You were
never in debt to sorrow - but that's all that your
mind is capable of
pondering anymore.

It still befuddles me that you think that you're
anything less than a masterpiece - you truly
are beautiful, intelligent, sophisticated and
walk with a rightful sense of elegance but
you've refuse to embrace the reality of
my repeated words....

you truly are beautiful.

Please, visit their website (http://www.poems-and-quotes.com) and vote for new poems to help them decide who will be the winner of next week.

Texts from Mittens

Texts from Mittens
Click here for more at Mitten's website

What is the best billboard ever created?

This one is pretty unique and memorable:

Different hair colours at different times of day.

Different Hair colour every day ... Quora - billboards

Click here for more at Quora.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

An Inside Look at Computer Hackers....

Bad Puns - Get your muds wordled!

Cow-asaki
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why," they asked, as they moved off.

"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."

The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who posted twenty different puns to his readers with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

I find this humerus

Hospital Regulations

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.




However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said.

"She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

The Good Sons

There were 4 men, who had 4 sons, sitting in a bar one day and the talk came around to their son's successes.

The first man said, "My son is a successful computer store owner and he gave a $3000.00 laptop to his best friend." The others said, "You must be very proud of him."

The second man said, "Well, My son is a successful car lot owner and he gave his best friend a Hummer!" The others said, "You must be very proud of him."

The third man said, "That's nothing! My son owns a successful construction company and he gave his best friend a 3000 square foot mansion!" The others said, "You must be very proud of him!"

The fourth man was silent. The others asked him, "What does your son do?"
The fourth man said, "He's a stripper at a gay nightclub."

The other three said, "We are so sorry that you have nothing to be proud of."

The fourth man said, "On the contrary, I am very very proud of him. His old boyfriends gave him a computer laptop, a Hummer and a mansion!"

Monday, June 23, 2014

VERY INTERESTING AND INFORMATIVE THINGS




1 If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your right side. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on your left side

2 If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. For when a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

3 Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

4 Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink. If it is white there is a thin film of bacteria on it.

5 The Mercedes-Benz motto is 'Das Beste oder Nichts' meaning 'the best or nothing'.

6 The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal.

7 The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at something pleasing.

8 The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.

9 Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.

10 The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

11 Dalmatians are born without spots.

12 Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

13 The 'v' in the name of a court case does not stand for 'versus', but for 'and' (in civil proceedings) or 'against' (in criminal proceedings)

14 Men's shirts have the buttons on the right, but women's shirts have the buttons on the left... this is because ladies used to have their servants dress them, buttons on the right are easiest to fasten.

15 The owl is the only bird to drop its upper eyelid to wink. All other birds raise their lower eyelids

16 The reason honey is so easy to digest is that it's already been digested by a bee

17 Roosters cannot crow if they cannot extend their necks

18 The color blue has a calming effect. It causes the brain to release calming hormones

19 Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die

20 Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart

21 The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate

22 When you blush, the lining of your stomach also turns red

23 When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red

24 The first Harley Davidson motorcycle was built in 1903, and used a tomato can for a carburetor

25 The lion that roars in the MGM logo is named Volney

26 Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros

27 Switching letters is called spoonerism. For example, saying jag of Flapan, instead of flag of Japan

28 It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million to make a film about it

29 The attachment of the human skin to muscles is what causes dimples

30 There are 1,792 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower

31 The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting

32 Human hair and fingernails continue to grow after death

33 It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circle the whole body

34 The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets

35 Most soccer players run 7 miles in a game

36 The only part of the body that has no blood supply is the cornea in the eye. It takes in oxygen directly from the air

37 Every day 200 million couples make love, 400,000 babies are born, and 140,000 people die

38 In most watch advertisements the time displayed on the watch is 10:10 because then the arms frame the brand of the watch (and make it look like it is smiling).

39 Colgate faced big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking countries. Colgate translates into the command "go hang yourself."

40 The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning its head are the rabbit and the parrot

41 Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair

42 The average person laughs 13 times a day

43 Do you know the names of the three wise monkeys? They are:Mizaru(See no evil), Mikazaru(Hear no evil), and Mazaru(Speak no evil)

44 Women blink nearly twice as much as men

45 German Shepherds bite humans more than any other breed of dog

46 Large kangaroos cover more than 30 feet with each jump

47 Whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster than the speed of sound

48 Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death

49 If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural cause.

50 The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt blood 30 feet!!

Wise Words

Be Wise
Be Wise!Sharing Love

You have to love yourself before you can love another.

Be Wise!Pulled Over By The Police?

"Being pulled over by a police officer can be as stressful for the officer as it is for the motorist. Although the majority of people are law-abiding citizens, a police officer must still be overly cautious during all traffic stops. Here are a few tips to follow when being stopped by the police.

1. Pull off of the road as far to the right as safely possible.

2. Stay in your vehicle unless asked to get out.

3. Turn on the interior light if the stop occurs at night.

4. Keep both hands on the steering wheel and do not make sudden movements.

5. If you are carrying a firearm, advise the officer of the weapon and its location.

6. Advise the officer if you need to reach for your license or registration.

7. If you are being stopped at night and you are driving alone, simply acknowledge the officer by turning on your flashers and driving at a reduced rate of speed to the nearest well lit area.

Following these simple tips will make traffic stop less stressful for everyone involved.


Be Wise!Living Happily

A perfect marriage isn’t one that’s problem-free, it’s one that manages and solves problems wisely.

Be Wise!Create Electricity

When talking to others, lean forward to show the other person that you are interested in what they have to say. Sitting up or with a straight back gives off the impression that you are not interested in what they are saying. Next time try leaning forward and you will be amazed at the electricity it will create.

Be Wise!Birds and stones

Be careful when trying to kill two birds with one stone. You might miss both birds.

Be Wise!Enjoy Life

"Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead."

-Anon.


Be Wise!The meaning of life

Life is either a bad accident or an experiment to keep God busy.

Be Wise!Anybody out there?

It’s easy to get lost in your job especially in a fast paced technical workplace. Many people work in isolation. They encounter real problems that someone else may have solved already. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel. Don’t work in a vacuum. Get together formally in groups or informally with co-workers and colleagues. You can identify problems and exchange solutions and strategies. Share the load, and you’ll find you lighten the burden.

Be Wise!You Can Solve that Problem!!

The man who wanted to move the mountain began with the small stones.

Chinese Proverb


Be Wise!ITS TRUE!

Drinking a glass or two of wine everyday is actually good for you. A recent study says that people who regularly drink a glass of wine get fewer colds than the average person. Just don't go overboard, too much of anything is never a good thing. Apparently, it's the flavonoids on grape skin that do the trick, which means you could just eat some grapes everyday, too.

Be Wise!Coping with stress

Many of the stressful situations we come across in your daily lives cannot be avoided or changed, but we can change how we respond to the stress. Try improving your way of dealing with stress or a stressful situation. Take a deep breath.