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Sunday, June 30, 2013

ALERT!!


There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, verbally, and by hand.

This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means, DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put on your jacket and take two good friends to the nearest liquor store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Kung Fu


i know Kung-Foo!Two kung-fu masters were carrying on about their respective skills. "Why, my reflexes are such that you will not believe," boasted Master Foo and drawing his sword, he sliced at a passing fly, which promptly dropped dead in two pieces.

"That's nothing," said Master Koh. Drawing his sword, he made two deft cuts at another passing fly.

Master Foo was highly amused. "What are you talking about?" he sneered. "That fly is still flying."

"Ah yes," replied Master Koh, "but now it can never have children."

THE LOVE STORY OF RALPH AND EDNA


Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

The LOST revelation of GILLIGAN'S ISLAND



Saturday, June 29, 2013

Royal Canadian Mounted Police


Doesn't get any better than this....our very own Canadian Tenors along with our incredible Royal Canadian Mounted Police...can't get any more Canadian! EH?

Watch for a close up of the Queen; the expression on her face is priceless!

Who appointed Mike Duffy?


While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with him.

Eventually the topic got around to Politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old rancher said, "Well, you know, Mike Duffy is a 'Post Turtle'."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."

Senate Pigs


Why I Mow My Own Yard


Lee Trevino: a true story, you gotta love him.

Lee Trevino


One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas , Texas mowing his front lawn as he always did. A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, "Excuse me, do you speak English?"

Lee responded, "Yes Ma'am, I do."

The lady then asked, "What do you charge to do yard work?"

Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her."

The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.

Canadian superhero Captain Canuck rises again


CBCNEWS.ca
Classic comic book character revamped in web series debuting Canada Day

Captain Canuck (Richard Comely)
  • Comic book figures hailing from Canada have largely been overshadowed by the likes of Spider-Man, The X-Men or Batman. As classic character Captain Canuck is reborn in a new animated web series, CBC News takes a quick look at other Canadian superheroes. (Richard Comely)
Comic book fans can easily rhyme off names like Superman and The Avengers, but a Canadian team is hoping a new revamp will put Captain Canuck back in the mix.

The Canadian hero, who debuted on comic book shelves almost 40 years ago, is making a comeback in a new animated web series debuting — fittingly — on Canada Day at captaincanuck.com.

Back in the early 1970s, as industry leaders Marvel and DC Comics were putting out stories about Spider-Man, Batman and Superman, Winnipeg-based artist Richard Comely and his artist friend Ron Leishman were wondering why there wasn't yet a Canadian counterpart.

PHOTO GALLERY: Canadian comic superheroes

"We would talk and he said 'There should be a Canadian superhero.' I said 'Duh! Yeah! Why isn't there [one]?'" Comely recalled to CBC News.

In 1975, the self-published indie comic Captain Canuck made its debut.

"It was really big, much more than I expected," Comely said. "Canadian media certainly was very interested and so was American media. And it sold very well … it just sold out everywhere."

Though the title eventually lapsed, a new group of creators — with the approval of Comely — is reviving Captain Canuck in an online series, featuring the voice of actor Kris Holden-Ried, best known for TV hits Lost Girl and The Tudors. Laura Vandervoort, Tatiana Maslany and Paul Amos are also taking on voice roles for the initial five-episode run.

In the video above, Richard Comely tells CBC's Eli Glasner about the early days of Captain Canuck.

Marvel favourite Wolverine aside, comic book heroes hailing from Canada have largely been overshadowed by the likes of Spider-Man, The X-Men or Batman. In the photo gallery above, CBC News takes a quick look at more Canadian comic heroes.

Tune in to the July 1 edition of The National as Eli Glasner reports on the super fans propelling the homegrown hero from the comics to the web.

Friday, June 28, 2013

Ear Hair


My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

Heehee!


A postman, on his route, picked up a letter from a mailbox that was addressed to God. The postman seeing that the letter was not sealed, and there being no postage on it, opened and read it.

It was from a man who was down on his luck and was asking God for help. The letter asked for $50 to get his family through the next week. The postman, being a Mason, took the letter to Lodge that evening, read it, and asked for donations for the unfortunate fellow. The Masons, wanting to help, took up a collection, and received twenty five dollars from the brethren. The Secretary placed the cash in a Lodge envelope, and gave it to the postman to deliver the following day, which he did.

Another day passed, and the postman again found an unsealed letter in the mailbox addressed to God. Again he opened and read the letter, which thanked God for the money, but instructed him to send it through the Knights of Columbus next time as the Masons kept half for a 50/50 draw.



heehee

*Masonic Humour

Story of Two Houses


LOOK OVER THE DESCRIPTIONS OF THE FOLLOWING TWO HOUSES AND SEE IF YOU CAN TELL WHICH BELONGS TO AN ENVIRONMENTALIST.

HOUSE # 1:

A 20-room mansion (not including 8 bathrooms) heated by natural gas. Add on a pool (and a pool house) and a separate guest house all heated by gas. In ONE MONTH ALONE this mansion consumes more energy than the average American household in an ENTIRE YEAR. The average bill for electricity and natural gas runs over $2,400.00 per month. In natural gas alone (which last time we checked was a fossil fuel), this property consumes more than 20 times the national average for an American home. This house is not in a northern or Midwestern "snow belt," either. It's in the South.


HOUSE # 2:

Designed by an architecture professor at a leading national university, this house incorporates every "green" feature current home construction can provide. The house contains only 4,000 square feet (4 bedrooms) and is nestled on arid high prairie in the American southwest. A central closet in the house holds geothermal heat pumps drawing ground water through pipes sunk 300 feet into the ground. The water (usually 67 degrees F.) heats the house in winter and cools it in summer. The system uses no fossil fuels such as oil or natural gas, and it consumes 25% of the electricity required for a conventional heating/cooling system. Rainwater from the roof is collected and funneled into a 25,000 gallon underground cistern. Wastewater from showers, sinks and toilets goes into underground purifying tanks and then into the cistern. The collected water then irrigates the land surrounding the house. Flowers and shrubs native to the area blend the property into the surrounding rural landscape.


HOUSE # 1 (20 room energy guzzling mansion) is outside of Nashville, Tennessee. It is the abode of that renowned environmentalist (and filmmaker) Al Gore.


HOUSE # 2 (model eco-friendly house) is on a ranch near Crawford, Texas. Also known as "the Texas White House," it was the private residence of the former President of the United States, George W. Bush.


So whose house is gentler on the environment? Yet another story you WON'T hear on CNN, CBS, ABC, NBC, MSNBC or read about in the New York Times or the Washington Post. Indeed, for Mr. Gore, it's truly "an inconvenient truth."

New Stealth Fighter!


New Stealth Fighter!

Thursday, June 27, 2013

The Incomparable Judge Judy!


Judge Judy (Los Angeles, California) Judith Sheindlin, familiarly known as television's Judge Judy, fixes the lawbreaker with her trademark brace-yourself-buddy glare.

"You're drinking my tea?" she says to Jerry Sheindlin, her husband of 29 years, who's lunching alongside her during a production break on her court show. Not bothering to appeal, he stops pouring from her cup into his and returns the property to its rightful owner.

For Judy Sheindlin,  as the star of one TV's top-rated syndicated shows, watched by 10 million people daily, enforcing justice is a full-time job. Her grandchildren may enjoy some slack; all others, watch out.

That unforgiving approach to small-claims disputes culled from courts across the country is what draws viewers. When Phil McGraw barks at an errant spouse or parent on Dr. Phil, he's reflecting the influence of Sheindlin's decade of TV toughness.

"Accept responsibility for what you do in everything," the former New York family court judge said in an interview. She was referring to her own expectation of how judges - and, in a more expansive view, the world - should behave.

At one point, she interrupts herself to search her purse for a stash of newspaper clippings, reports on a series of violent deaths of New York children that have raised questions about city government oversight.

"All these articles, you know who they blame? They blame the Administration for Children's Services. Now, I'm not absolving them. . . . But that's not where the fault is, really," she said. "The people who are supposed to protect children are their parents."

Her unshakable mantra is personal responsibility. It's a position that played well when her show began and may be even more beguiling in a time vexed by the forces of war and terror. The real power is yours, Sheindlin tells us; who wouldn't want to believe?

The 63-year-old who reminds you she successfully raised five children and stepchildren will not brook excuses from those she sees as skirting their duties.

A defendant who faced her recently found out how that applied to him. The college student, who stiffed a roommate for rent after an injury forced him out of a good-paying valet job, told Sheindlin he had no choice.

The judge did some quick math. If he had taken a minimum-wage job, say at a fast-food restaurant, and worked 10 hours a day, seven days a week, he could have met most of his financial obligation to the roomie.

"She's not related to you. She doesn't love you like your mother does," Sheindlin told him, delivering her lecture in the pitiless tone so at odds with the visual: a petite woman, dwarfed by a realistic courtroom setting, and with her black robe softened by a dainty lace collar.

Afterward, the defendant weighed in for the camera. "I was made to look like a fool and a deadbeat, he wailed - while the show picked up the tab for the roughly $2,000 US judgment, as it always does.

Petri Hawkins Byrd, who served as her bailiff in New York and cuts an imposing figure in the same role on TV, admires Sheindlin as "blunt, witty, sharp as a tack" and for her refusal to accept any nonsense. Would he want to come before her in court?

"Hell, no," he said, laughing. "And I don't advise any of my friends to do so. Not if they want to maintain their love of the judicial system."

Sheindlin was scheduled to receive a special Valentine Day's treat: her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Also, she garnered a Daytime Emmy Awards nomination, her 10th overall, for the upcoming April ceremony.

A big air kiss came her way last year when her name was floated by novelist Kurt Vonnegut and a newspaper columnist as a replacement for retiring Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor. The suggestions may have been ironic but she likely could have found more public favour than Harriet Miers.

Sheindlin's popularity earns her a reported $30 million yearly. She travels to work by private jet from the Naples, Fla., home she shares with her husband, a retired judge who also did his time in a TV courtroom with People's Court. She flies in every other week to Los Angeles for three days of taping.

While new judges crowd into the TV courtroom, including Judge Alex and the upcoming Judge Maria Lopez, Sheindlin remains the queen bee with ratings that put her in the company of top syndicated performers including Oprah Winfrey and Wheel of Fortune.

"I think Judge Judy is, like Oprah, sort of the star of her genre," said analyst Stacey Lynn Koerner of New York-based media agency Initiative. "She lays it on the line and she doesn't let you get away with anything. . . . She stands out as an ethical voice that speaks to the common man."

Some uncommon voices, however, have been raised against her. Harvard Law professor Alan Dershowitz declaimed her for presenting the image of a judge as tyrant. A New York Times column recently accused Sheindlin of using the law as a bludgeon against the underclass: ". . .the lower a party's apparent status, the harsher Judge Judy is free to be."

Sheindlin once coyly parried Dershowitz, in print, by joking that she should have gone to the prom with him. Randy Douthit, the show's executive producer and director, takes on the allegation of class warfare.

"I think she's an equal opportunity abuser," Douthit said of Sheindlin.

Because the show draws from small-claims courts in which judgments generally are limited to no more than $5,000, cases tend to involve the less affluent. But the show aims to be as "upscale as possible," Douthit said, avoiding Jerry Springeresque elements.

* by Lynn Elber, Associated Press


Click here

Click above for The Judge Judy Soundboard - Hours of fun!

Does your dog bite..hope not! ...... YIKES!!!!!


Big Doggy!

*Photoshopped

100 Reasons To Be Gay


In celebration of the mirth it caused I thought I’d share it with you all. Aren’t I kind ? If you’re on a random joke list then you might have seen it before, but the oldies are always the best (unless you’re lucky enough to pull some young chicken) and we say share and share alike (unless its an STD).

So, here are 100 reasons to be gay. How many can you own up to ?
Click here.

History is made!


In a historic move yesterday, the Supreme Court has overturned the so-called "Defense of Marriage Act," and rejected anti-gay activists' defense of California's Proposition 8. The Supreme Court has affirmed that all married couples deserve equal legal respect and treatment under federal law. For countless couples, this means they will be finally be able to protect each other and their families.

HISTORIC - Supreme Court overturns DOMA and restores Marriage equality in California


Thanks to the critical work of GLAAD, the culture is changing fast, with more and more people supporting equality for all. For more than 25 years, GLAAD has worked to share the stories that increase support and change public opinion, leading us to this day. Americans have realized that LGBT people deserve the same dignity and respect as everyone else. The Supreme Court's ruling reflects this reality.

Thanks for making history with GLAAD!

P.S. GLAAD can’t do this work alone! You can help us continue their important culture changing work with a gift of $35, $50, $100 or more. Go to www.glaad.org/marriage/donate to make your gift today!

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

The Writings On The "Stall"


If you're like me, you just can't spend enough time reading in public restrooms. And there's always some guy standing in front of the next chapter on the wall by the urinal. And he seldom wants to be a dear and jot down the phone number. I kid. Comic relief.

Unisex


But it is nice the computer age brings funny restroom graffiti direct to our screens, the modern bathroom monitors. Of course, we must do without the ambient flushes and floating cigarette butts.

Unisex


This site is clogged with hundreds of actual messages noted in the Mens and Ladies, Guys and Dolls, Buoys and Gulls. We're told "They serve as (informal) forums for politics, pop culture, humor, and so forth." Please note: Explicit content and they're out of paper towels.

Unisex


My personal favourite:

University of Colorado
Engineering Building
Boulder, Colorado USA 80023
Men's restroom, ground floor

E=MC2
(And underneath it)
Very nice Albert, next time show your work
Written on the side of a stall, Albert Einstein's famous equation.

The Writings on the Stall! Language warning! May not be safe for work.
Entries posted on this site don't necessarily reflect the beliefs of its The Wizard.

Unisex

Barry's Bike


Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted:


"Mum, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did.

Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.


Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Barry.


Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.


Dear God,

This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy This year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Barry.


Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.


Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.

Your friend, Barry.


Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.


Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, he slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.


Barry began to write his letter to God.


I'VE GOT YOUR MUM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

CHOCOLATE SINGS


Chocolate Sundae

One day I had a date for lunch with friends. Mae, a little old "blue hair" about 80 years old, came along with them---All in all, a pleasant bunch. When the menus were presented, we ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups, except for Mae who said, "Ice Cream, please. Two scoops, chocolate."

I wasn't sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast. "Along with heated apple pie," Mae added, completely unabashed.

We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time. But when our orders were brought out, I didn't enjoy mine. I couldn't take my eyes off Mae as her pie a-la-mode went down. The other ladies showed dismay. They ate their lunches silently and frowned.

The next time I went out to eat, I called and invited Mae. I lunched on white meat tuna. She ordered a parfait. I smiled. She asked if she amused me. I answered, "Yes, you do, but also you confuse me. How come you order rich desserts, while I feel I must be sensible?

She laughed and said, with wanton mirth, "I taste all that's Possible. I try to eat the food I need, and do the things I should.

But life's so short, my friend, I hate missing out on something good.

This year I realized how old I was. (She grinned) I haven't been this old before."

"So, before I die, I've got to try those things that for years I had ignored. I haven't smelled all the flowers yet.

There are too many books I haven't read. There are more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown overhead.

There are many malls I haven't shopped. I've not laughed at all the jokes. I've missed a lot of Broadway hits and potato chips and cokes.

I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face.

I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace.

I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast.

I want un-timed long distance calls to the folks I love the most.

I haven't cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain. I need to feel wind in my hair. I want to fall in love again.


So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner, then should I die before night fall, I'd say I died a winner, because I missed out on nothing. I filled my heart's desire. I had that final chocolate mousse before my life expired."

With that, I called the waitress over. "I've changed my mind," I said. "I want what she is having; only add some more whipped cream!"

This is my gift to you - We need an annual Friends Day! If you get this twice, then you have more than one friend. Live well, love much & laugh often - Be happy.

Remember that while money talks, CHOCOLATE SINGS

The Goldfish



goldfish

A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

*Thanks, Trent

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

The Rainbow Flag Turns 35 Today


The flag, a symbol of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender pride and the LGBT rights movement, has been in use since its debut at San Francisco Pride on June 25, 1978, and was designed by San Francisco artist Gilbert Baker.

The different colors symbolize diversity in the gay community, and the flag is used predominantly at gay pride events and in gay villages worldwide in various forms. Originally created with eight colors, pink and turquoise were removed for production purposes and as of 1979, the pride flag consists of six colored stripes.

It is most commonly flown with the red stripe on top, as the colors appear in a natural rainbow. Aside from the symbolism of a diverse LGBT community, the colors were selected to symbolize: red (life), orange (healing), yellow (sunlight), green (nature), blue (harmony), and purple/violet (spirit).

The removed colors stood for sexuality (pink) and art/magic (turquoise).

The rainbow flag has found widespread application on all manner of products including jewelry, clothing and other personal items and the rainbow flag colors are routinely used as a show of LGBT identity and solidarity.


Many people out there don't even recognize it, but to the queer community, it represents a great importance. There is also Stonewall. The bear near the bottom of my blog is a called 'Stoney', after the Stonewall Inn Riots in New York. My best friend brought it back from San Francisco for me. (I took a picture of it).


My Rainbow Bear, 'Stoney'


In the early morning hours of June 28, 1969, the police raided the Stonewall Inn, a dingy, Mafia-run "private club" on Christopher Street in Greenwich Village with a predominantly gay clientele. The event is still a hot topic of debate in gay circles, with much disagreement about what actually precipitated the violence and who took part in it.

One legend holds that Judy Garland's funeral, held June 27, 1969, in Manhattan, fanned the flames of gay rage. Other versions of the story claim that dozens of sequined drag queens and a mysterious, unidentified butch lesbian were at the forefront of the street rebellion. But a few facts seem certain.


The Inverted Pink Triangle - a symbol stolen back from the Holocaust, by the GLBT


The inverted Pink triangle is also a symbol for the GLBT (gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and trans-gendered). The inverted pink triangle (rosa Winkel) was a symbol used by the Nazis during the Holocaust to identify male homosexual prisoners.

It was often larger than the other identifying triangles so as to allow homosexuals to be avoided and singled out at a distance. Between 10,000 and 600,000 gay men and women died in the Holocaust. In the 1970s, gay liberation groups resurrected the pink triangle as a popular symbol for the gay rights movement.

Not only is the symbol easily recognized, but it draws attention to oppression and persecution -- then and now. Today, for many the pink triangle represents pride, solidarity, and a promise to never allow another Holocaust to happen again.

Click here to Follow The Rainbow
Click above to find the reasons behind the rainbow colours.

*Picture of the hunk holding the flag is a piece of art from Steve Walker

13 Reasons to Smile


1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

HYUK!


2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

HYUK!


3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

HYUK!


4. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

HYUK!


5. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!"

HYUK!


6. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

HYUK!


7. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

HYUK!


8. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

HYUK!


9. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

HYUK!


10. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

HYUK!


11. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.

HYUK!


12. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

HYUK!


13. Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier !!"

HYUK!

Catholic Dictionary


Rainbow Cross

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows

BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily
2. Catholic air conditioning 3. Your receipt for attending Mass

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than the congregation's range

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower

MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel and stand

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman

USHERS: The only people in the Parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Duck Hunting


Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."


So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."



Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"



Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"


Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."


So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, then tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.



Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"


The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.


The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more f#cking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"

Wisdom of Larry the cable guy.


larry The Cable Guy from Trailer Park Boys 1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm..

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming; your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.