Saturday, June 30, 2012
(To the tune of "The Dreidle Song")
O dildo, dildo, dildo
I made you out of clay
And when you're hard and ready
O dildo I will play
When I was a youngster
Indoors I'd always stay
And in my parents' closet
O dildo I would play
I dildo, dildo, dildo
I bought you yesterday
And when desire's burning
O dildo I will play!
Friday, June 29, 2012
1. You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK".
2. You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine on the chesterfield."
3. You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.
4. You drink Pop, not Soda.
5. You know that a Mickey and 24's mean, "party at the camp, eh!!!"
6. You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars.
7. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.
8. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
9. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
10. You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.
11. You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
12. You brag to Americans that; Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion & Mike Myers are Canadians.
13. You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!
14. You know what a toque is.
15. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
16. You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed".
17. Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
18. You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road work.
19. You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.
20. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
21. You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan".
22. You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.
23. You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
24. "Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than, "Huh?"
25. You actually understand these jokes, and forward thois post to all of your Canadian friends! Then you send them to your American friends just to confuse them!
Here is some trivia:
1. Which of the following was not a Mouseketeer?
A. Christina Aguilera
B. Annette Funicello
C. Ryan Gosling
D. Britney Spears
E. Justin Timberlake
2. How many people are credited for providing the voice of Mickey Mouse in the past 80 years?
3. Mickey Mouse's first appearance was in Plane Crazy on May 15, 1928. The Walt Disney Company considers today Mickey's birthday, commemorating the release of what cartoon?
A. The Barn Dance
B. The Opry House
C. The Gallopin' Gaucho
D. Mickey's Follies
E. Steamboat Willie
4. Walt Disney created Mickey Mouse to replace which animated character?
A. Felix the Cat
B. Dog the Bounty Hunter
C. Minnie the Moocher
D. Oswald the Lucky Rabbit
5. To whom did Walt Disney give credit for the inspiration for Mickey's personality?
A. Charlie Chaplin
B. Woodrow Wilson
C. Shoeless Joe Jackson
D. Hoagy Carmichael
E. Stan Laurel
6. What were Mickey's first spoken words?
A. "Put her down!"
C. "Eeek! A cat!"
D. "You know what they say about big hands, Minnie!"
E. "Hot dogs!"
7. On March 28, 1929, what happened to Mickey for the first time?
A. He met Minnie
B. He asked Minnie out
C. He kissed Minnie
D. He danced with Minnie
E. He wore gloves
8. The first piece of Mickey Mouse merchandise appeared in 1929. It was:
A. A lunchbox
B. A beanie cap with large ears
C. A school writing tablet
E. A video game
9. In 1932, Walt Disney received a special Academy Award for creating Mickey Mouse. How many Oscars has Mickey won?
10. Who said: "Brake! Brake! Brake now, you Mickey Mouse piece of s--!"
A. Charles Lindbergh
B. Neil Armstrong
C. Sylvester Stallone
D. Henry Ford
E. Minnie Mouse
11. Match the event with the year:
1. The first Mickey Mouse watch is sold
2. Mickey gets his own entry in Encyclopedia Britannica
3. Minnie first turns down Mickey in favour of Peg Leg Pete
4. Mickey's eyes get pupils
5. Mickey leads Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade in New York
12. Who once famously put a black bra on top of his head to imitate Mickey, and said "I'm the mascot of an evil corporation."
A. Walt Disney
B. Scrooge McDuck
C. John Belushi
D. Dan Aykroyd
E. Bart Simpson
13. True or False: In a 2007 children's television show titled Tomorrow's Pioneers, the Hamas used a Mickey Mouse clone named Farfour to encourage children to use AK-47 assault rifles and grenades, telling them that "We will return the Islamic community to its former greatness, and liberate Jerusalem, God willing, liberate Iraq, God willing, and liberate all the countries of the Muslims invaded by the murderers." Following intervention by the Palestinian government, the character was beaten to death by an Israeli and replaced by Nahoul, his bumblebee cousin.
14. Another first: 30 years ago today, Mickey became the first cartoon character to:
A. Receive a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame
B. Win an Emmy Award
C. Sing during the Super Bowl halftime show
D. Be charged for impaired driving
E. Appear in a porn film
15. Has Disney's Mickey Mouse ever appeared in the same film as Warner Brothers' Bugs Bunny?
16. Who said:
"Well, it's time they got their act together. They're ruining the whole league. They had better stop running a Mickey Mouse organization and put somebody on the ice."
A. Former Disney CEO Michael Eisner
B. Hockey Night in Canada analyst Don Cherry
C. Emilio Estevez, in the movie The Mighty Ducks
D. Bugs Bunny
E. Wayne Gretzky
Below are the answers.
1. None. All five were Mouseketeers.
2. B. Three. Walt Disney voiced Mickey from 1928-47, when Jim MacDonald took over. In 1977, Wayne Allwine, the current voice of Mickey, took over from MacDonald.
3. E. Steamboat Willie. Plane Crazy and The Gallopin' Gaucho preceded Steamboat Willie, which was the first Mickey film with sound.
4. D. Oswald the Lucky Rabbit.
5. A. Charlie Chaplin. Said Disney: "I think we are rather indebted to Charlie Chaplin for the idea. We wanted something appealing, and we thought of a tiny bit of a mouse that would have something of the wistfulness of Chaplin -- a little fellow trying to do the best he could."
6. E. "Hot dogs!" In 1929's The Karnival Kid, Mickey sells hot dogs.
7. E. Mickey first wore gloves in The Opry House.
9. B. Mickey won his only Oscar for 1941's Lend A Paw, which starred not Mickey, but Pluto.
10. C. In the movie Demolition Man, Stallone shouts those words to his police car.
11. 1b; 2c; 3a; 4e; 5d
12. E. Bart Simpson in The Simpsons Movie.
15. Yes, they appeared together in 1988's Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
16. E. Gretzky said it in 1984 after his Edmonton Oilers defeated the New Jersey Devils 13-4.
Visit Mickey Mouse on Wikipedia!
1. "When I worked for Verizon, I found the phrase going forward to be more sinister than annoying. When used by my boss - sorry, "team leader" - it was understood to mean that the topic of conversation was at an end and not be discussed again."
Nima Nassefat, Vancouver, Canada
2. "My employers (top half of FTSE 100) recently informed staff that we are no longer allowed to use the phrase brain storm because it might have negative connotations associated with fits. We must now take idea showers. I think that says it all really."
3. At my old company (a US multinational), anyone involved with a particular product was encouraged to be a product evangelist. And software users these days, so we hear, want to be platform atheists so that their computers will run programs from any manufacturer."
Philip Lattimore, Thailand
4. "Incentivise is the one that does it for me."
Karl Thomas, Perth, Scotland
5. "My favourite which I hear from the managers at the bank I work for is let's touch base about that offline. I think it means have a private chat but I am still not sure."
Gemma, Wolverhampton, England
6. "Have you ever heard the term loop back which means go back to an associate and deal with them?"
Scott Reed, Lakeland, Florida, US
7-8. "We used to collect the jargon used in a list and award the person with the most at the end of the year. The winner was a client manager with the classic you can't turn a tanker around with a speed boat change. What? Second was we need a holistic, cradle-to-grave approach, whatever that is."
9. "Until recently I had to suffer working for a manager who used phrases such as the idiotic I've got you in my radar in her speech, letters and e-mails. Once, when I mentioned problems with the phone system, she screamed 'NO! You don't have problems, you have challenges'. At which point I almost lost the will to live."
Stephen Gradwick, Liverpool
10. "You can add challenge to the list. Problems are no longer considered problems, they have morphed into challenges."
Irene MacIntyre, Courtenay, B
11. "Business speak even supersedes itself and does so with silliness, the shorthand for quick win is now low hanging fruit."
Paul, Formby, UK
12. "And looking under the bonnet."
Eve Russell, Edinburgh
13-14. "The business-speak that I abhor is pre-prepare and forward planning. Is there any other kind of preparedness or planning?"
Edward Creswick, Exeter
15-16. "The one that really gets me is pre-plan - there is no such thing. Either you plan or you don't. The new one which has got my goat is conversate, widely used to describe a conversation. I just wish people could learn to 'think outside the box' although when they put us in cubes what do they expect?"
17. "I work in one of those humble call centres for a bank. Apparently, what we're doing at the moment is sprinkling our magic along the way. It's a call centre, not Hogwarts."
Caroline Garlick, Ayrshire
18. "A pet hate is the utterly pointless expression in this space. So instead of the perfectly adequate 'how can I help?' it's 'how can I help in this space?' Or the classic I heard on Friday, 'How can we help our customers in this space going forward?' I think I may have caught this expression at source, as I've yet to hear it said outside my own working environment. So I'm on a personal crusade to stamp it out before it starts infecting other City institutions. Wish me luck in this space."
19. "The one phrase that inspires a rage in me is from the get-go."
20. "'Going forward' is only half the phrase that gets up my nose - all politicians seem to use the phrase go forward together. 'We must... we shall... let us now... go forward together'. It gives me a terrible mental image of the whole country linking arms and goose-stepping in unison, with the politicians out in front doing a straight-armed salute. Is it just me?"
Frances Smith, Toronto, Canada
21. "I am a financial journalist and am on a mission to remove words and phrases such as 360-degree thinking from existence."
22. "The latest that's stuck in my head is we are still optimistic things will feed through the sales and delivery pipeline (ie: we actually haven't sold anything to anyone yet but maybe we will one day)."
23. "I worked in PR for many years and often heard the most ludicrous phrases uttered by CEOs and marketing managers. One of the best was, we'd better not let the grass grow too long on this one. To this day it still echoes in my ears and I giggle to myself whenever I think about it. I can't help but think insecure business people use such phrases to cover up their inability for proper articulation."
Leon Reilly, Ealing, London
24. "Need to get all my ducks in a row now - before the five-year-olds wake up."
Mark Dixon, Bridgend
25. "Australians have started to use auspice as a verb. Instead of saying, 'under the auspices of...', some people now say things like, it was auspiced by..."
Martin Pooley, Marrickville, Australia
26. "My favourite: we've got our fingers down the throat of the organisation of that nodule. Translation = Er, no, WE sorted out the problems to cover your backside."
Theo de Bray, Kettering, UK
27. "The health service in Wales is filled with managers who use this type of language as a substitute for original thought. At meetings we play health-speak bingo; counting the key words lightens the tedium of meetings - including, most recently, my door is open on this issue. What does that mean?"
Edwin Pottle, Llandudno
28-29. "The business phrase I find most irritating is close of play, which is only slightly worse than actioning something."
30. "Here in the US we have the cringe-worthy and also in addition. Then there's the ever-eloquent 'where are we at?' So far, I haven't noticed the UK's at the end of the day prefacing much over here; thank heavens for small mercies."
Eithne B, Chicago, US
31. "The expression that drives me nuts is 110%, usually said to express passion/commitment/support by people who are not very good at maths. This has created something of a cliche-inflation, where people are now saying 120%, 200%, or if you are really REALLY committed, 500%. I remember once the then-chancellor Gordon Brown saying he was 101% behind Tony Blair, to which people reacted 'What? Only 101?'"
Ricardo Molina, London, UK
32. "My least favourite business-speak term is not enough bandwidth. When an employee used this term to refuse an additional assignment, I realised I was completely 'out of the loop'."
April, Berkeley, US
33. "I once had a boss who said, 'You can't have your cake and eat it, so you have to step up to the plate and face the music.' It was in that moment I knew I had to resign before somebody got badly hurt by a pencil."
34. "Capture your colleagues - make sure everyone attends that risk management workshop (compulsory common sense training for idiots)."
35-37. "We too used to have daily paradigm shifts, now we have stakeholders who must come to the party or be left out, or whatever."
Barry Hicks, Cape Town, RSA
38. "I have taken to playing buzzword bingo when in meetings. It certainly makes it more entertaining when I am feeding it back (or should that be cascading) at work."
Ian Everett, Bolton
39. "In my work environment it's all cascading at the moment. What they really mean is to communicate or disseminate information, usually downwards. What they don't seem to appreciate is that it sounds like we're being wee'd on. Which we usually are."
40. "At a large media company where I once worked, the head of human resources - itself a weaselly neologism for personnel - told us that she would be cascading down new information to staff. What she meant was she was going to send them a memo. It was one of the reasons I resigned - that, and the fact that the chief exec persisted on referring to the company as a really cool train set."
41. "Working for an American corporation, this year's favourite word seems to be granularity, meaning detail. As in 'down to that level of granularity'."
Chris Daniel, Anaco, Venezuela
42. "On the wall of our office we have a large signed certificate, signed by all the senior management team, in which they solemnly promise to leverage their talents, display and inspire 'unyielding integrity', and lots of other pretentious buzz-phrases like that. Clueless, the lot of them."
Chris K, Cheltenham UK
43. "After a reduction in workforce, my university department sent this notice out to confused campus customers: 'Thank you for your note. We are assessing and mitigating immediate impacts, and developing a high-level overview to help frame the conversation with our customers and key stakeholders. We intend to start that process within the week. In the meantime, please continue to raise specific concerns or questions about projects with my office via the Transition Support Center..."
Charles R, Seattle, Washington, US
44. "I was told I'd be living the values from now on by my employers at a conference the other week. Here's some modern language for them - meh. A shame as I strongly believe in much of what my employers aim to do. I refuse to adopt the voluntary sectors' client title of 'service user'. How is someone who won't so much as open the door to me using my service? Another case of using four syllables where one would do."
Upscaled Blue-Sky thinker, Cardiff
45. "Business talk 2.0 is maddening, meaningless, patronising and I despise it."
46. "Lately I've come across the strategic staircase. What on earth is this? I'll tell you; it's office speak for a bit of a plan for the future. It's not moving on but moving up. How strategic can a staircase really be? A lot I suppose, if you want to get to the top without climbing over all your colleagues."
Peter Walters, Cheadle Hulme, UK
47. "When a stock market is down why must we be told it is in negative territory?"
Phil Linehan, Mexico City, Mexico
48. "The particular phrase I love to hate is drill down, which handily can be used either as an adverb/verb combo or as a compound noun, ie: 'the next level drill-down', sometimes even in the same sentence - a nice bit of multi-tasking."
49. "Thanks for the impactful article; I especially appreciated the level of granularity. A high altitude view often misses the siloed thinking typical of most businesses. Absent any scheme for incentivitising clear speech, however, I'm afraid we're stuck with biz-speak."
Timothy Denton, New York
50. "It wouldn't do the pinstripers any harm to crack a smile and say what they really felt once in a while instead of trotting out such clinical platitudes. Of course a group of them may need to workshop it first: Wouldn't want to wrongside the demographic."
Trick Cyclist, Tripoli, Libya
*The Gray Monk
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an Revenue Canada Service ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an CCRA auditor genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish"
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
ARE YOU A BITCH?
The first guy says 'I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know...
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist'
The second guy says 'I'm a D.I.N.K.., you know...
Double Income, No Kids.'
The third guy says, 'I'm a R.U.B. you know...
Rich, Urban, Biker.'
They turn to the woman and ask her,
She replies: 'I'm a W.I.F.E. you know...
Wash, Iron, Fetch, Etc.'
A second gal answers their question before they even ask it, ‘B.I.T.C.H.'
What exactly is a BITCH?!? They ask in unison.
So ladies, next time somebody calls you a 'Bitch' SMILE, and say 'Thank You!!'
MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY!
PASS THIS ONE ON TO
AS MANY WOMEN THAT
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."
The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. "Mother?" She sweetly asked again.
"Yes?" Her Mother replied. "Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"
A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says.
The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.
If a man is in the forest, talking to himself, with no woman around is he still wrong?
Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
Day 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep deprivation, incessant pleas for food at all hours of the night.
Day 767 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture.This time, however, it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue, something akin to mole speak, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal, room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
A gorgeous, sexy, good looking guy was sitting next to another guy in a plane...... The first guy said to him ' Can you help me remove something from my crotch please? ‘The excited young man replied, 'Wow! It will be my pleasure....... So what is it?' "Your Eyes, idiot!"
The key to the success of all musicians of note is their ability to stay composed while performing at a level that can't be beat.
Hear about the new gay sitcom? It's called "Leave it, it's Beaver."
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."