Tuesday, January 31, 2012
A man boarded a plane with six kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No Ma'am, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
DAMN, I WISH I COULD THINK THAT FAST!
A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?' About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands. That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands. That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?' Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?' Ahmed replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
Monday, January 30, 2012
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand.
(Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.
(Are you doubting this?)
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet.
(if you took a typing class, I'm sure you know this)
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right Or right to left (palindromes).
(Yep, I knew you were going to 'do' this one.)
There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous':
Tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
(You're not possibly doubting this, are you ?)
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order:
'abstemious' and 'facetious.'
(Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using The letters only on one row of the keyboard.
(most typist know this)
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds .
(Some days that's about what my memory span is.)
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
(I know some people that could do this too.!)
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that also. Actually I know A LOT of people like this!)
Babies are born without kneecaps.
They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, 8 people wide, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
(Good thing he did that.)
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Now you know teice as much as you did before!
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'
'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Today's posts are some of my reader's and my favourites. Enjoy!
What Goes On When You Sleep...
Click above to watch the story.
Big Gay Al
Click above to hear the song. This one will open your Media player.
Push the 'X' or Stop button on your browser to stop the background music.
The Ultimate Tooth Whitener On A Budget!
Click above to find out more!
A Saskatchewan Taste Treat!
Chocolate Covered Grasshoppers
Melt baker's chocolate in double boiler.
Fill molds halfway with chocolate, add grasshoppers, fill rest of the way.
A tasty surprise in every one!
Click on the Hardbody To Play with his 6-Pack!
1) The Elder Twin
One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. How come?
2) Manhole Covers
Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?
This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle which can be solved by lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for prospective employees.
3) The Deadly Party
A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?
4) Trouble with Sons
A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so?
5) The Man in the Bar
A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out.
This puzzle has claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its statement, absolutely baffling and yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it out.
Click here for the answers.
A man tried to phone the King of the Jungle.
All he got was a recorded message saying, "All the lions are busy right now. Please try later."
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tall tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
There has been an increased rate of robbery using handguns in Canada. I warn you that some people may find this picture too graphic. DO NOT click here if you are weak of mind.
100 Reasons To Be Gay
In celebration of the mirth it caused I thought I’d share it with you all. Aren’t I kind ? If you’re on a random joke list then you might have seen it before, but the oldies are always the best (unless you’re lucky enough to pull some young chicken) and we say share and share alike (unless its an STD).
So, here are 100 reasons to be gay. How many can you own up to ?
While living in Denver, the weather forecaster said to expect 10 to 12 inches of snow tonight and advised people to park on the right side of the road so the streets could be plowed.
Willie’s wife ran out and parked on the right side.
The next week, the forecast called for another 10 to 12 inches of snow, and the forecaster advised people to park on the left side of the road. Willie’s wife ran out and parked the car on the left side of the road.
The following week, the weather forecaster said 16 inches of snow was expected, and just as they were advising people where to park... the lights went out and all their power was lost.
Willie’s wife said, "My goodness, now I don’t know where to park the car.
“Why don’t you just leave it in the garage!” Willie said.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
98 years old and no enemies - human interest story
All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ' How many of you have forgiven your enemies? '
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Mrs. Neely?'; ' Are you not willing to forgive your enemies? '
I don't have any. 'She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you? '
'Ninety-eight, 'she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world? '
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, ' I outlived the bitches..
Beware it's subtle, but inevitable betrayal.
These metal figures are hand made using spare metal parts and in the likeness of some of our favorite characters. They add an element of blue collar class to any desk or book shelf.
(H = 5 1/2 inches, W = 3 inches, D = 6 1/2 inches)
Buy one today (around $25CDN) from:
Geek Cantina (http://www.geekcantina.com)- Geek cantina is a Canadian company from Winnipeg. You can get lots of cool stuff from them. ThinkGeek.com BEWARE! There's another player in the market!
Any fool with a pair of mittens can construct a passable facsimile of a human out of powdered frozen vapour, but it takes a true Picasso of precipitation to create a frosty masterwork. Follow these tips to create a snow sculpture that will endure forever, unless the temperature rises even slightly:
• Stack ‘em High: While traditional snowmen are comprised of three snowy spheroids stacked in ascending size for a more stable base and welcoming maternal curves, there’s no reason to stop there. Continue adding snowballs until your snowman is a gently tapering caterpillar towering gingerly into lower orbit—then decorate its face using a remote-controlled helicopter.
• Don’t Mess with a Classic: Carrot noses were introduced in the 1600s to ridicule Guy Fawkes, a famous waster of then-precious vegetables. Keep his legacy alive today by shoving a carrot into your snowman’s face. If unavailable due to rabbit plagues or juicing fads, just steal a pylon from your nearest miniature village.
• Attain Anatomical Accuracy: Keep your snowman’s proportions frighteningly human by having a friend volunteer to act as an armature for you to pack snow onto. He belongs to winter now.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure ... go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = ... and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
I'm not yelling = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the pinche cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit,", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
Thursday, January 26, 2012
These are genuine answers (from 16 year-olds)............and they WILL breed.
Q. Name the four seasons
A Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
Q... Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
**These are funny, but this cannot be legitimate. The GED Exam questions are all multiple choice or essay. No open ended questions like this are used.
Remember your hunting days with this mounted deer LEGO kit: the morning dew, the crunch of the field under your fancy boots, the sad eyes of the majestic, dying animals. It will all come swirling back to you as you assemble these 60-ish pieces. Due to piece availability, I've had to tweak the design slightly from the photo — mostly in the design of the backboard.
This unofficial, homegrown LEGO kit includes mostly new* pieces as well as a hand-drawn instruction guide by yours truly. It's made with standard LEGO pieces, so it's fairly small — just about fits in your hand.
Click on the picture below to go to the site.
Welcome. You are a little late to the party, as this is a site promoting a 2012 wall calendar, which is likely flying by as you read this. Otherwise, you must be reading this from a post-apocalyptic space colony, sorting through cached webpages after retrieving a stray satellite containing fragments of what we once called “the internet”, but I’m glad to have you here anyway.
This site was dedicated to promoting and selling a project known as “The Apocalypse Calendar.” This project was originally created by me, Thomas Quinn, in early 2011. It had occurred to me that the next new year would be the long-anticipated 2012, made famous by the famously terrible Roland Emmerich film starring John Cusack, and widely known as the year the world would end according to certain interpretations of the Mayan calendar. The idea was to get a number of artists to create a page of a calendar featuring their own vision of the apocalypse.
click here to find out more
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
Today, I am giving you a
D A I L Y S U R V I V A L K I T
to help you each day............
Toothpick ... to remind you to pick the good qualities in everyone, including yourself.
Rubber band ... to remind you to be flexible. Things might not always go the way you want, but it can be worked out.
Band-Aid ... to remind you to heal hurt feelings, either yours or someone else's.
Eraser ... to remind you everyone makes mistakes. That's okay, we learn by our errors.
Candy Kiss ... to remind you everyone needs a hug or a compliment everyday.
Mint ... to remind you that you are worth a mint to your family & Me.
Bubble Gum ... to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything.
Pencil ... to remind you to list your blessings every day.
Tea Bag ... to remind you to take time to relax daily and go over that list of The Supreme Being's blessings.
This is what makes life worth living every minute, every day
As you may have seen on the news it's been very cold in Saskatchewan ...
So cold, in fact, that the Government of Saskatchewan has borrowed a Norwegian Icebreaker to clear the North Saskatchewan River for freighter traffic.
The Icebreaker is starting near Devon and working its way northward.
Here is a picture as the hard work of ice breaking begins. Impressive!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
From it's humble beginnings to full series webisodes, see how the creators have improved over time. Even the beginning shows are worthwhile to watch and a must for Trekkies as well as Trekkers!
From Star Trek - Hidden Frontier, boldly going where Star Trek has not gone before with gay characters, Cory Aster and Jorian Zen and a whole new foe to fight with The Grey, as well as the perennial favourites: Cardassians, Bajorans and Tholians!
A world where all people are truly free
They now have several series up and free to stream or download - you can get them by clicking here.
Or you can go to their YouTube Channel to check em out.
They have several webisodes as well as some audiosodes. Check it out. Engage!
Monday, January 23, 2012
Who knew! And you can buy 1,000 at the Dollar Tree for $1.00, even the large ones.
1. Cover bowls or dishes when cooking in the microwave. Coffee filters make excellent covers.
2. Clean windows, mirrors, and chrome... Coffee filters are lint-free so they'll leave windows sparkling.
3. Protect China by separating your good dishes with a coffee filter between each dish.
4. Filter broken cork from wine. If you break the cork when opening a wine bottle, filter the wine through a coffee filter.
5. Protect a cast-iron skillet. Place a coffee filter in the skillet to absorb moisture and prevent rust.
6. Apply shoe polish. Ball up a lint-free coffee filter.
7. Recycle frying oil. After frying, strain oil through a sieve lined with a coffee filter.
8. Weigh chopped foods. Place chopped ingredients in a coffee filter on a kitchen scale.
9. Hold tacos. Coffee filters make convenient wrappers for messy foods.
10. Stop the soil from leaking out of a plant pot. Line a plant pot with a coffee filter to prevent the soil from going through the drainage holes.
11. Prevent a Popsicle from dripping. Poke one or two holes as needed in a coffee filter.
12. Do you think we used expensive strips to wax eyebrows? Use strips of coffee filters..
13. Put a few in a plate and put your fried bacon, French fries, chicken fingers, etc on them.. It soaks out all the grease.
14. Keep in the bathroom. They make great "razor nick fixers.."
15. As a sewing backing. Use a filter as an easy-to-tear backing for embroidering or appliquéing soft fabrics.
16. Put baking soda into a coffee filter and insert into shoes or a closet to absorb or prevent odors.
17. Use them to strain soup stock and to tie fresh herbs in to put in soups and stews.
18 Use a coffee filter to prevent spilling when you add fluids to your car..
19. Use them as a spoon rest while cooking and clean up small counter spills.
20. Can use to hold dry ingredients when baking or when cutting a piece of fruit or veggies. Saves on having extra bowls to wash.
21. Use them to wrap Christmas ornaments for storage.
22. Use them to remove fingernail polish when out of cotton balls.
23. Use them to sprout seeds. Simply dampen the coffee filter, place seeds inside, fold it and place it into a zip-lock plastic bag until they sprout.
24. Use coffee filters as blotting paper for pressed flowers. Place the flowers between two coffee filters and put the coffee filters in phone book.
25. Use as a disposable "snack bowl" for popcorn, chips, etc.
26. Great in the tool room when separating nails and screws then use in to bottom of containers to remove moisture and prevent rust.
OH YEAH THEY ARE GREAT TO USE IN YOUR COFFEE MAKERS TOO
due to the cold weather that is arriving tomorrow.
They suggest that anyone traveling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:
*Blankets or sleeping bag
*Extra clothing including hat and gloves
*24 hours worth of food
*Flashlight with spare batteries
*Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
*Empty gas Can
*First Aid Kit
I looked like a freakin' idiot on the bus this morning!
My latest model:
(click on the picture to visit his site and find out more)
5.7m Tall - The tallest LEGO model in Australia.
250 Hours to put this monster together.
A huge thanks to Andrew Campbell at the Melbourne Headshot company for some amazing pictures!
My name is Love, I live in Sweden and I'm transgender. Today, if I want to change my legal gender to reflect my true self, Sweden will force me to be sterilized.
That's right: in 2012, to make the "F" on my identity card an "M", my country makes me give up the right to have biological children. It's not fair, and this practice must stop.
Right now a reform of the law is being debated in Sweden. We need a massive show of support across Sweden and Europe that will convince our Prime Minister Fredrik Reinfeldt to speak out and break the deadlock. I've made a short video to explain the situation below.
Please watch the video and sign.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
For the ladies/girls only! (Ok, Gay guys too!)
After you type your name a card comes up with Sorry Sorry Sorry on it, just wait about 30 seconds, it is really worth the wait and fun too, what people can do with computers today
No really, you have to try this.....
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the path.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 notes falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course.
A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
Saturday, January 21, 2012
You see, my FUR keeps me warm. Your sweaters only serve to insult me.
When I say "woof," I mean "I hate you."
If the choice is between prison and playing dress up with you, I choose prison.
As if it wasn't hard enough being called a anorexic all the time; now you dress me up as an old drunken hooker.
If you think I won't eat you when you die, you're dead wrong.
Though I have provided all the evidence in the world, perhaps I should take this time to state a certain fact explicitly: I am a dog. I am NOT a CHILD.
As you must be mentally off, I'll cut you some slack.
If you wanted a bunny, why didn't you just buy one?
Please remind me why I'm supposed to love you.
I give you everything I have to give and you still wish I was a Dalmatian...
I wish your husband took me with him when he left.
If I had hands I'd strangle you.
What is wrong with you. Seriously. Did you not get enough love as a child? Is your world so completely devoid of meaning that you think dressing me as a flower is a form of care taking? I hope the house gets burgled tonight.
Remember this moment when I pee on your Persian rug tonight.
What am I wearing? Am I a picnic table? A waitress?
Could someone out there please have my owner put to sleep?
Very funny. You come up with that yourself?
Look, I'm barely a dog. I have enough identity issues without you dressing me up as a cheetah.
Dang it. How am I going to get a girl when I look like I'm being strangled by a cartoon cat?
You are ruining what self-esteem I have left.
And I thought the bunny suit was bad... What am I now? A Dogglebee? Please stop. Please.
You're going to embalm me when I'm dead, aren't you?
*Thanks, Nonsensical Flounderings