As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.
Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.
"See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."
Attainable New Year's Resolutions
This year, I resolve to...
- Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
- Stop exercising. Waste of time.
- Read less. Makes you think.
- Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
- Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
- Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
- Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
- Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
- Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
- Not have eight children at once.
- Get in a whole NEW rut!
- Start being superstitious.
- Personal goal: bring back disco.
- Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
- Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
- Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
- Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.
- Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
- Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
- Not eat cloned meat.
- Create loose ends.
- Get more toys.
- Get further in debt.
- Not believe politicians.
- Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
- Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
- Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
- Stay off the International Space Station.
- Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.
- Associate with even worse business clients.
- Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
- Wait around for opportunity.
- Focus on the faults of others.
- Mope about my faults.
- Never make New Year's resolutions again.