Thursday, June 30, 2011
This is a true story from a word processor program company's helpline, in the days before Windows. It was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department, and the helpdesk employee was fired as a result.
"Computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with your program."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"It's blank. It won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in the program, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's the sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light on it that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"..... Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"...... OK, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh, huh. Well, can you see if it is."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"No, why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power ... A power failure? Aha, OK, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them. Unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store where you bought it."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too smart to own a computer."
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
One legend holds that Judy Garland's funeral, held June 27, 1969, in Manhattan, fanned the flames of gay rage. Other versions of the story claim that dozens of sequined drag queens and a mysterious, unidentified butch lesbian were at the forefront of the street rebellion. But a few facts seem certain.
It was often larger than the other identifying triangles so as to allow homosexuals to be avoided and singled out at a distance. Between 10,000 and 600,000 gay men and women died in the Holocaust. In the 1970s, gay liberation groups resurrected the pink triangle as a popular symbol for the gay rights movement.
Not only is the symbol easily recognized, but it draws attention to oppression and persecution -- then and now. Today, for many the pink triangle represents pride, solidarity, and a promise to never allow another Holocaust to happen again.
Three engineers are riding in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly the car stalls and stops by the side of the road. The three engineers look at each other with bewilderment, wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer, not knowing much about mechanics, suggests, "Let's strip down the electronics of the car and try to trace where a fault might have occurred."
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about electronics, suggests, "Maybe the fuel has become emulsified and is causing a blockage somewhere in the system."
The Microsoft engineer suggests, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it will work."
A postman, on his route, picked up a letter from a mailbox that was addressed to God. The postman seeing that the letter was not sealed, and there being no postage on it, opened and read it.
It was from a man who was down on his luck and was asking God for help. The letter asked for $50 to get his family through the next week. The postman, being a Mason, took the letter to Lodge that evening, read it, and asked for donations for the unfortunate fellow. The Masons, wanting to help, took up a collection, and received twenty five dollars from the brethren. The Secretary placed the cash in a Lodge envelope, and gave it to the postman to deliver the following day, which he did.
Another day passed, and the postman again found an unsealed letter in the mailbox addressed to God. Again he opened and read the letter, which thanked God for the money, but instructed him to send it through the Knights of Columbus next time as the Masons kept half.
This quote, (as much as I can remember), is as follows:
"I congratulate you on your 60 years of marriage. It is an accomplishment. But I must let everyone know, that the government is planning to change the definition of marriage, from one man and one woman...worse... they want to change it so that a man can marry another man and a woman can marry another woman..."
I told my friend, how strange is it that the one day in the last year I choose to try the RC's again and the Priest comes out with this! My friend, (A Catholic), answered quite candidly... "Hmmm.... aren't Priests married to the Church?" I found that quite profound and amusing...
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
In Japan, they are considering replacing the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft Error messages with Haiku poetry messages.
Haiku poetry has strict construction rules.
Each poem has only three lines, 17 syllables: five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third.
Haiku is used to communicate a timeless message often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity -- the essence of Zen:
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The Website you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao-until
You bring fresh toner.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
"The Scotia Father"
Then again, maybe I will just have to pay better attention, after all... it was the service charges from last month that I did not take into account.....
**** Feel free to substitute the gender of your choice
SHE WAS SOOO blonde....
she thought a quarterback was a refund.
she thought General Motors was in the army.
she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
at the bottom of an application, where it says "sign here", she wrote Sagittarius.
SHE WAS SOOO blonde....
she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
she sent a fax with a stamp on it.
she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
under "education" on a job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
SHE WAS SOOO blonde....
she tripped over a cordless phone.
she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice because it said "concentrate."
she told me to meet her at the corner of "walk" and "don't walk."
she asked for a price check at the "Everything For A Dollar" Store.
she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
SHE WAS SOOOO blonde....
she studied for a blood test.
she sold her car for gas money.
when she went to the airport and saw a sign that read "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
SHE WAS SOOOOO blonde....
when she heard that 90% of all crimes occurred around home, she moved.
she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
she thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
No offence meant to the blonde women out there.... =)
One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. How come?
2) Manhole Covers
Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?
This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle which can be solved by lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for prospective employees.
3) The Deadly Party
A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?
4) Trouble with Sons
A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so?
5) The Man in the Bar
A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out.
This puzzle has claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its statement, absolutely baffling and yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it out.
Click here for the answers.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Are you ugly?
Are you short?
Are you balding?
Are you sick?
Are you stupid?
Work for the Canadian Wheat Board?
Do ladies call you macho . . . or jerk?
Are you over 30, 40, 50, or even 60?
In general, have ladies lost interest in you?
Do not despair. A German company has come out with a new "Male Beauty Product". This is such a revolutionary product that it gives fast and effective results instantly! If you purchase this product, and use it, even if only once or twice, you will see that the most beautiful and sexy ladies can not resist your charms.
This is the best "Male Beauty Product" on the market and is available in select stores now!
Take a look for yourself . . ..
Schwarzenegger has a big one -
Michael J. Fox has a small one -
Madonna doesn't have one -
The Pope has one but doesn't use his -
Clinton uses his all the time -
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one -
Liberace never used his on women -
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his -
Cher claims that she took on 3 -
We never saw Lucy use Desi's -
What is it?
Click here to find out.
A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree' sighed the pheasant 'but I haven't got the energy'.
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull 'They're packed with nutrients.'
The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on. Finally, after a fortnight, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Melt baker's chocolate in double boiler.
Fill molds halfway with chocolate, add grasshoppers, fill rest of the way.
A tasty surprise in every one!
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for ourm anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" She said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there is water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.
12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
I have never be prouder to be a lifelong New Yorker than I am this evening. In a historic vote, the New York Senate passed marriage equality by a vote of 33-29! New York now joins a growing number of states leading the nation towards the future we have always been destined for, a future where everyone is treated equally, with dignity and respect.
I am inspired by all of my fellow New Yorkers who stood with us and showed your support by contacting your state representatives, attending rallies and encouraging your family and friends to get involved. It is because of great citizens like you that civil rights for all, especially gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people, continue to advance in this country.
I am equally inspired by the state assembly members and senators who stood by their convictions and voted “YES”. I am in awe of their decision, along with unwavering leaders like Governor Andrew Cuomo, Mayor Michael Bloomberg, New York City Council Speaker Christine Quinn, and Senators Kirsten Gillibrand and Charles Schumer, to be on the right side of history.
New York also owes a debt of gratitude to the organizations and community leaders like the Human Rights Campaign, Freedom to Marry, the Empire State Pride Agenda and Broadway Impact for their dedication and commitment to making marriage equality a reality in the Empire State.
To all of you who live outside New York, thank you. We are one nation and through this long effort you proved that through your encouragement and support. Now, we must work to pass marriage equality in the 44 states left and you can count on us New Yorkers to be there for you as you were here for us.
Thank you for continuing to give a damn!
All my best,
SUPPORT THE GIVE A DAMN CAMPAIGN
Help the Give a Damn Campaign continue to make a difference in the effort to advance equality. Please make a gift of $10, $25, $50 or more today. Make a Donation
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The story is told of a Middle Eastern traveler making his way on a long journey across the desert.
“As he plodded on his camel steadily through the dry heat, he came upon an oasis. Approaching the desert spring, the traveler was surprised to find three brothers weeping profusely. Through conversation with the mourning brothers, the traveler discovered their father had recently passed away. The source of the tears was the brother’s inability to satisfy their fathers’ last wish. The father had given strict instructions that the inheritance of his estate be divided in such a way that the oldest received one half, the second received one third, and the youngest received one ninth of the father’s estate.
“The brothers had successfully divided the rest of their father’s property, but were unable to do so with the camels. The father had left them 17 camels, and, try as they may, the brothers could not distribute the camels according to father’s wishes.
“The traveler considered the dilemma and then offered the brothers a solution. He insisted they receive his camel as a gift. After much conversation and many attempts at refusal, the brothers relented to the travelers’ demands and received the kindness of his gift.
“With 18 camels, the brothers were able to properly divide the inheritance and satisfy their father’s wishes. The older brother received one half of the herd and took his 9 camels. The second brother received one third of the herd and took his 6 camels. The youngest brother received one ninth of the herd and took his 2 camels.
“Surprisingly, 9 camels plus 6 camels plus 2 camels equals 17 camels. With the inheritance properly distributed, the traveler was able to take his camel and continue on his journey.”
Saturday, June 25, 2011
* "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." ("Je désapprouve ce que vous dites, mais je défendrai à la mort votre droit à le dire") –Voltaire [A]
--> This line comes from The Friends of Voltaire (1907) by Evelyn Beatrice Hall. It resembles the actual line "Think for yourselves and let others enjoy the privilege to do so too" from Voltaire's Essay on Tolerance.
* "Judy, Judy, Judy!" –Cary Grant
--> Grant never actually said that phrase as a scripted line. In the film Only Angels Have Wings, his character says "Oh, Judy," and "Come on, Judy," but that is as close as it gets. Instead, the line came from Larry Storch by way of Tony Curtis. The line was spoken by Curtis while doing a Grant impression for the character of the millionaire in the movie Some Like it Hot. Curtis first heard it when he attended Storch's stand-up routine in New York and heard him say "Judy, Judy, Judy..." when Judy Garland walked into the club. Cary Grant did later say it to the camera, as a joking reference.
* "The only two certainties in life are death and taxes." –Mark Twain
--> Although used by Twain, this quotation may have originated in a 1789 letter from Benjamin Franklin to Jean-Baptiste Leroy. Benjamin Disraeli is also sometimes incorrectly cited as the origin of the quote.
--> The Yale Book of Quotations by Fred R. Shapiro records: “‘Tis impossible to be sure of any thing but Death and Taxes,” from Christopher Bullock, The Cobler of Preston (1716), and “Death and taxes, they are certain,” from Edward Ward, The Dancing Devils (1724).
* "Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated." (or similar) –Mark Twain
--> Actual quotation: "The report of my death is an exaggeration." In 1897 a journalist was sent to inquire after Twain's health, thinking he was near death; in fact it was his cousin who was very ill. Twain recounted the event in the New York Journal of June 2, 1897. Contrary to popular belief, his obituary was not prematurely published.
* "Gild the lily" –William Shakespeare, King John
--> Actual quotation: "To gild refined gold, to paint the lily"
* "The ends justify the means." –Niccolò Machiavelli
--> A more literal translation, according to Peter and Julia Bondanella of Indiana University, is "One must consider the final result."
* "Pride comes before a fall."
-->Proverbs 16:18: "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." (NIV) or "Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall." (KJV). The line is part of The Beatles' song "I'm a Loser": "And so it's true, pride comes before a fall."
* "Ox in the mire"
-->Used to justify not strictly observing the sabbath. Luke 14:5: "Which of you shall have an ass or an ox fallen into a pit, and will not straightway pull him out on the sabbath day?." (KJV).
* "Nul points" –Eurovision Song Contest
-->The French phrase is often attributed to the annual Eurovision Song Contest in the media and elsewhere, most notably in the episode of Father Ted, "Song for Europe". However, only points from one to twelve (French: un – douze) are given during the song contest, and even in earlier years when it was possible to receive zero points, the phrase "nul points" was never read out. However the phrase is not used to refer to a singer getting no points in a single round, which happens to many singers/groups, but to those who score no points in the whole competition.
* "Hello, my name is Michael Caine" –Michael Caine
--> He never actually said this, though in 1983 Caine was given the line to say as an in-joke in the film Educating Rita.
--> Caine explained during an appearance on Michael Parkinson's TV show that Peter Sellers had the message on his answering machine: "My name is Michael Caine and I just want to tell you that Peter Sellers isn't in. And not many people know that".
--> The line was parodied in Harry Enfield's Television Programme by Paul Whitehouse, who introduced himself with the line "My name is Michael Paine, and I am a nosey neighbour."
--> "My name is Michael Caine" – this line was recorded by Michael Caine for the single "Michael Caine" by the British music group Madness in 1984.
* "Well, here's another fine mess you've gotten me into." –Oliver Hardy
--> The version of the phrase often used by Hardy was the line "Here's another nice mess you've gotten me into." The now better-known corruption of the phrase most likely comes from the title of the Laurel and Hardy short film Another Fine Mess.
* "If I can't dance, I don't want to be in your revolution" –Emma Goldman
--> In 1973, printer Jack Frager coined the phrase to print under Goldman's face on a t-shirt. The line was abridged from a passage about her dispute with a comrade who claimed that "it did not behoove an agitator to dance."
* "I've just had eighteen straight whiskeys in a row – I do believe that is some sort of record" –Dylan Thomas
--> Or a variation on that theme. Thomas was infamous for his heavy drinking, and these were supposedly his last words. In actual fact he said "I see white mice and roses"
* "What's the Frequency, Kenneth?" as popularised by R.E.M.
--> Actual line: "Kenneth, what is the frequency?", said by William Tager to Dan Rather.
*Wikipedia for more
After 21 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, “I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you.”
The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER, who has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my three children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally. That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie. “What’s wrong, are you well?” she asked.
My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news. “I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you,” I responded. “Just the two of us.” She thought about it for a moment, and then said, “I would like that very much.”
That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary. She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel’s. “I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed, “she said, as she got into the car. “They can’t wait to hear about our meeting.”
We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips. “It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small,” she said. “Then it’s time that you relax and let me return the favour,” I responded. During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation – nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other’s life. We talked so much that we missed the movie. As we arrived at her house later, she said, “I’ll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you.” I agreed.
“How was your dinner date?” asked my wife when I got home. “Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,” I answered.
A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn’t have a chance to do anything for her. Sometime later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place mother and I had dined. An attached note said: “I paid this bill in advance. I wasn’t sure that I could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two plates – one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you, son.”
At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: “I LOVE YOU” and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is more important than your family. Give them the time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off till “some other time.”
*Thanks, Big Bass
By Emily Lodish, Global Post
They only look like baby pandas.
These little bundles of joy are actually chow chow dogs that have been dyed black-and-white to look like pandas.
Dyeing pets has been a trend in pet pampering for quite some time. At last summer's Pets Show Taipei, there was a fierce dog-dyeing competition. Check out the photos.
Friday, June 24, 2011
A blonde was weed-whacking her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat, who was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART!
WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice.
He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
"No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?"
The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh .... I'm so very sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a Year.
That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud. Almost like being a hybrid......
*Thanks, Bright Eyes
The ACLU has a beautiful video about their lives, narrated by Windsor – Spyer passed away in 2009. Windsor, a New Yorker, is one of those who is challenging the constitutionality of the Defense of Marriage Act.
Videos like these remind us what we’re fighting for when protest or call or talk to family and friends or vote;or when we wait outside the state senate chambers for hours and hours as our legislators decide whether even to bring a marriage equality vote to the floor. Take a look, below.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Light bulb has been burning 110 years straight
An incandescent light bulb recognized by Guinness World Records as being the longest burning is still glowing strong days after celebrations that marked its 110th anniversary.
The Centennial Light Bulb, at Fire Station No. 6 in Livermore, Calif., has been burning bright since it was first installed in 1901. (The exact date appears unknown, though the bulb's "birthday" is typically held in June, most recently June 18th.) Since then, the 60-watt bulb has been alight 24 hours a day, operating at about 4 watts, to provide night illumination of the fire engine...
Click Above Then choose 'Current Strip'.
The new comic, Troy #282, Welcome back, is up on line. Troy gets a big WeHo welcome back.
And you can find Michael's books and ebooks for sale at TROYTooner.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me through the process?
Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?
Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?
Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart? Laughing
Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?
Tech Support: What programs are running?
Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.
Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you'll have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?
Tech Support: Yes, but remember you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error - Program not run on external components." What should I do?
Tech Support: Don't worry. It means the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.
Customer: So, what should I do?
Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge Your Limitations.
Customer: Okay, done.
Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to ensure it's completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?
Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.
Customer: Thank you.
*Thanks, Big Bass
I had to look up "paraprosdokian". Here is the definition: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.
Ok, so now enjoy!
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12.. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
30.. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Words of Wisdom
"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.."
~ Jon Hammond
*Thanks, Bright Eyes
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Many years ago in a small Indian village,
A farmer had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to a village moneylender.
The Moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the farmer's beautiful Daughter. So he proposed a bargain.
He said he would forgo the farmer's debt if he could marry his Daughter. Both the farmer and his daughter were horrified by the Proposal.
So the cunning money-lender suggested that they let Providence decide the matter.
He told them that he would put a black Pebble and a white pebble into an empty money bag. Then the girl would have to pick one pebble from the bag.
1) If she picked the black pebble, she would become his wife and her father's debt would be forgiven.
2) If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father's debt would still be forgiven.
3) But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into Jail.
They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the farmer's field. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two Black pebbles and put them into the bag.
He then asked the girl to pick a pebble from the bag.
Now, imagine that you were standing in the field.. What would you have done if you were the girl? If you had to advise her, what would you have told her?
Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:
1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.
2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and expose the money-lender as a cheat.
3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order To save her father from his debt and imprisonment.
Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and logical thinking.
The girl's dilemma cannot be solved with Traditional logical thinking. Think of the consequences if she chooses
The above logical answers.
What would you recommend to the Girl to do?
Well, here is what she did ....
The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without Looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.
"Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look into the Bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I Picked."
Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had picked the white one. And since the money-lender dared not admit his Dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Most complex problems do have a solution. It is only that we don't Attempt to think.
a really terrible bad saying is damned if you do and damned if you don’t that’s for losers... for winners are blessed if they think....
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a 'push'.
"Not a chance," says the man, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when the car broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replies the drunk.
Litha- (leetha) Also named Midsummer of Summer Solstice, this is a Sabbat strictly for the sun. On June 21 or 22, witches acknowledge the God's light and warmth on the day when he shines the highest, brightest and longest. This is a time to rejoice in the full flood of the years abundance.
The well of worlds that swallows all whole,
The progression of seasons that circle my soul,
The wind and water, fire and sand,
On Earth's ebb and flow I travel the land,
On the wings of a Gull or thunder and light,
My goal is far out, but still within sight,
Though my heart filled with sorrow my vision is clear,
Although my body has faltered there is no fear,
As a whirlwind of fire sweeps the darkness away,
I cannot follow it is here I must stay,
Until I am one and all is complete,
As the Goddess protects me, I won't know defeat.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Dear God: Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
Dear God: If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?
Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good Dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven…. may I have my testicles back?
Friday, June 17, 2011
Posting will resume Monday ...Keep checking daily .. if there are no new posts that day, check the archives. I bet there is a lot that you haven't read yet....
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Click Above Then choose 'Current Strip'.
The new comic, Troy #281, The Grind, is up on line. Ray discovers hooking up in the digital age can be a real grind!
And Michael's book “TrAnd you can find Michael's books and ebooks for sale at TROYTooner.
Thomas Edison's laboratory was virtually destroyed by fire in December, 1914. Although the damage exceeded $2 million, the buildings were only insured for $238,000 because they were made of concrete and thought to be fireproof.
Much of Edison's life's work went up in spectacular flames that December night. At the height of the fire, Edison's 24-year old son, Charles, frantically searched for his father among the smoke and debris.
He finally found him, calmly watching the scene, his face glowing in the reflection, his white hair blowing in the wind. "My heart ached for him," said Charles.
"He was 67 - no longer a young man - and everything was going up in flames. When he saw me, he shouted, "Charles, where's your mother?"
When I told him I didn't know, he said, "Find her. Bring her here. She will never see anything like this as long as she lives."
The next morning, Edison looked at the ruins and said, "There is great value in disaster. All our mistakes are burned up. Thank God we can start anew."
Three weeks after the fire, Edison managed to deliver his first phonograph.
*Thanks, Big Bass
This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where one could read it every day. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.
1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3.. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, Even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
And always remember.....
When life hands you lemons, Ask for Tequila and salt and call me over!!
Good friends are like stars.....
You don't always see them, But you know they are always there.
'Whenever God(ess) Closes One Door He(She) Always Opens Another, Even Though Sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway.'
I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here than a whole truck load when I'm gone.
Happiness keeps You Sweet ,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keeps You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But Only God(ess) keeps You Going
Years ago, there was a very wealthy man who, with his devoted young son, shared a passion for art collecting. Together they traveled around the world, adding only the finest art treasures to their collection.
Priceless works by Picasso, Van Gogh, Monet, and many others adorned the walls of their family estate. The widowed elderly man looked on with satisfaction as his only child became an experienced art collector. The son's trained eye and sharp business mind caused his father to beam with pride as they dealt with art collectors around the world.
As winter approached, war engulfed their nation, and the young man left to serve his country. After only a few short weeks, the elderly man received a telegram that his beloved son was missing in action. The art collector anxiously awaited more news, fearing he would never see his son again. Within days his fears were confirmed. The young man had died while rushing a fellow soldier to a medic. Distraught and lonely, the old man faced the upcoming Christmas holidays with anguish and sadness.
The joy of the season-a season that he and his son had so looked forward to in the past-would visit his house no longer. On Christmas morning, a knock on the door awakened the depressed old man. As he walked to the door, the masterpieces of art on the walls only reminded him that his son was not coming home. He opened the door and was greeted by a soldier with a large package in his hand.
The soldier introduced himself to the old man by saying, "I was a friend of your son. I was the one he was rescuing when he died. May I come in for a few moments? I have something to show you." As the two began to talk, the soldier told of how the man's son had told every one of his-and his father's-love of fine art work. "I'm also an artist," said the soldier, "and I want to give you this." As the old man began to unwrap the package, paper gave way to reveal a portrait of the man's son.
Though the world would never consider it a work of genius, the painting featured the young man's face in striking detail. Overcome with emotion, the old man thanked the soldier, promising to hang the portrait above the fireplace. A few hours later, after the soldier had departed, the old man set about his task. True to his word, the painting went above the fireplace, pushing aside thousands of dollars worth of paintings.
And then the old man sat in his chair and spent Christmas gazing at the gift he had been given. During the days and weeks that followed, the man learned that his son had rescued dozens of wounded soldiers before a bullet stilled his caring heart. As the stories of his son's gallantry continued to reach him, fatherly pride and satisfaction began to ease his grief, as he realized that, although his son was no longer with him, the boy's life would live on because of those he had touched. The painting of his son soon became his most prized possession, far eclipsing any interest in the priceless pieces for which museums around the world clamored.
He told his neighbors it was the greatest gift he had ever received. The following spring, the old man became ill and passed away. The art world was in anticipation, since, with the old man's passing, and his only son dead, those paintings would be sold at an auction. According to the will of the old man, all of the art works would be auctioned on Christmas Day, the way he had received his greatest gift. The day finally arrived and art collectors from around the world gathered
to bid on some of the world's most spectacular paintings.
Dreams could be fulfilled this day; greatness could be achieved as some could say," I have the greatest collection." The auction began with a painting that was not on any museum list... It was the painting of the old man's son. The auctioneer asked for an opening bid, but the room was silent.
"Who will open the bidding with $100?" he asked. Moments passed as no one spoke. From the back of the room came, "Who cares about that painting? It's just a picture of his son. Let's forget it and get on to the good ones." More voices echoed in agreement. "No, we have to sell this one-first," replied the auctioneer. "Now who will take the son?"
Finally, a friend of the old man spoke. "Will you take $10 for the painting? That's all I have. "Will anyone go higher?" called the auctioneer. After more silence he said, "Going once, going twice... Gone!" The gavel fell. Cheers filled the room and someone shouted, "Now we can get on with it and bid on these treasures!"
The auctioneer looked at the audience and announced that the auction was over. Stunned disbelief quieted the room. Then someone spoke up and asked, "What do you mean it's over? We didn't come here for a portrait of some old man's son! What about all of the other paintings? There are millions of dollars worth of art work here. We demand an explanation!"
The auctioneer replied, "It's very simple. According to the will of the father, whoever takes the son...gets it all." Just as the art collectors discovered on that day...The message is still the same...the love of the Father....a Father whose son gave his life for others...And because of that Father's love...Whoever takes the Son gets it all.
*Thanks, Big Bass
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre, kiss me!'
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
'What are you doing, Pierre ?' says the startled Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!'
She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.'
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
'Pierre! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!'
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me much lower!'
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.
He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, 'PIERRE , WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!'
When you can see failure as an inspiration and success as an opportunity then you have learned the secret to success.
Man makes plans and “God” changes them.
Don't get too influenced by one person's opinion. You might as well look within yourself and get influenced by your gut instinct.
At bedtime read or tell stories to your toddler. Reading aids in relaxing them to fall asleep. Also, children find comfort in the routine and look forward to bedtime.
More to Life
"Had I not known that I was dead already...
I would have mourned my loss of life"
--Ota Dokan (1486)
“To have been angered in argument is, to have already been defeated.”
Strut Your Stuff
Taking a 30 minute brisk walk three times a week will lower your blood pressure significantly. In a recent study of a group of caregivers walking the allotted amount produced a beneficial effect on their blood pressure. The participants who walked 30 to 40 minutes at least three times a week experienced a reduction in their blood pressure that was stress-induced.
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America... do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America... do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America... do they use the word "politics" to describe the process so well; "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
A man lying on his deathbed called to him, his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor. "I am going to die tonight," and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most trusted friends, you three of course, I am leaving 50,000 dollars in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me." The man handed the three men identical envelopes.
A day later they each received news that, that night the old man had died . So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish.
Standing over the coffin one week later the pastor confessed, " I can't hide what I've done. I took 10,000 dollars from the envelope because the church needed to be painted."
Then as he did so the doctor also started to fidget then finally confessed “I took 30,000 dollars from my envelope because the hospital needed a new wing."
Ten the lawyer said plainly “You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!"
"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.
"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
An Antartian was running back and forth from his computer and his mailbox. Then the mailman came up to him and asked him what he was doing. He replied, "My dumb computer keeps saying 'you've got mail'."
The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeest, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a place-kicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.
Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a pep talk. "Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."
The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty-yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.
"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"
"I was putting on my shoes."
A little man is sitting in a bar when a big guy comes up and says here’s a punch from Japan the little man gets up and the big guy goes here’s a kick from Korea knocking him down the little guy just smiles and goes away 15 minutes later he comes over and knock the guy out cold then he looks at the bartender and says when he wakes up tell him that was a crowbar from "Lowes."
When a woman got married she put a shoebox in the closet and told her husband not to open it. After over 50 years of marriage she was dying and told him to open the box. When he opened it there were 2 doilies and $85,000.00 He ask why this was in the box. She replied “when I got married my mother told me to crochet a doily every time I got mad at you. He smile thinking she was only mad twice and ask what the $85,000.00 was. She replied that's the money from selling the doilies.
A Crow, half-dead with thirst, came upon a pitcher which had once been full of water; but when the Crow put its beak into the mouth of the pitcher he found that only very little water was left in it, and that he could not reach far enough down to get at it. He tried, and he tried, but at last had to give up in despair.
Then a thought came to him, and he took a pebble and dropped it into the pitcher. Then he took another pebble and dropped it into the Pitcher. Then he took another pebble and dropped that into the pitcher. Then he took another pebble and dropped that into the Pitcher. Then he took another pebble and dropped that into the pitcher. Then he took another pebble and dropped that into the pitcher.
At last, at last, he saw the water mount up near him, and after casting in a few more pebbles he was able to quench his thirst and save his life.
The moral of the story? Little by little does the trick. Often times, when we run into challenges or obstacles we focus on finding that one big solution that will solve the problem when in actuality it's the benefit of smaller actions that often does the trick. Remember this the next time you face a dilemma. Take it one step at a time.
*Thanks, Big Bass