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Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Adventure With Grandma - A Neat Story


Awesome Grandma

I remember my first Christmas adventure with Grandma. I was
just a kid. I remember tearing across town on my bike to
visit her on the day my big sister dropped the bomb: "There
is no Santa Claus," she jeered. "Even dummies know that!"

My Grandma was not the gushy kind, never had been. I fled to
her that day because I knew she would be straight with me. I
knew Grandma always told the truth, and I knew that the
truth always went down a whole lot easier when swallowed
with one of her world-famous cinnamon buns. I knew they were
world-famous, because Grandma said so. It had to be true.

Grandma was home, and the buns were still warm. Between bites,
I told her everything. She was ready for me. "No Santa
Claus!" she snorted. "Ridiculous! Don't believe it. That
rumor has been going around for years, and it makes me mad,
plain mad. Now, put on your coat, and let's go."

"Go? Go where, Grandma?" I asked. I hadn't even finished my
second world-famous, cinnamon bun. "Where" turned out to be
Kerby's General Store, the one store in town that had a
little bit of just about everything. As we walked through
its doors, Grandma handed me ten dollars. That was a bundle
in those days. "Take this money," she said, "and buy
something for someone who needs it. I'll wait for you in the
car." Then she turned and walked out of Kerby's.

I was only eight years old. I'd often gone shopping with my
mother, but never had I shopped for anything all by myself.
The store seemed big and crowded, full of people scrambling
to finish their Christmas shopping. For a few moments I
just stood there, confused, clutching that ten dollar bill,
wondering what to buy, and who on earth to buy it for.

I thought of everybody I knew: my family, my friends, my
neighbors, the kids at school, the people who went to my
church. I was just about thought out, when I suddenly
thought of Bobby Decker. He was a kid with bad breath and
messy hair, and he sat right behind me in Mrs.Pollock's
grade-two class. Bobby Decker didn't have a coat. I knew
that because he never went out for recess during the winter.
His mother always wrote a note, telling the teacher that he
had a cough, but all we kids knew that Bobby Decker didn't have
a cough, and he didn't have a coat. I fingered the
ten dollar bill with growing excitement. I would buy
Bobby Decker a coat!

I settled on a red corduroy one that had a hood to it. It
looked real warm, and he would like that. "Is this a
Christmas present for someone?" the lady behind the counter
asked kindly, as I laid my ten dollars down. "Yes," I
replied shyly. "It's .... for Bobby." The nice lady smiled at
me. I didn't get any change, but she put the coat in a bag
and wished me a Merry Christmas.

That evening, Grandma helped me wrap the coat in Christmas
paper and ribbons (a little tag fell out of the coat, and
Grandma tucked it in her Bible) and wrote, "To Bobby, From
Santa Claus" on it -- Grandma said that Santa always
insisted on secrecy. Then she drove me over to BobbyDecker's
house, explaining as we went that I was now and forever
officially one of Santa's helpers.

Grandma parked down the street from Bobby's house, and she and
I crept noiselessly and hid in the bushes by his front walk.
Then Grandma gave me a nudge. "All right, Santa Claus," she
whispered, "get going."

I took a deep breath, dashed for his front door, threw the
present down on his step, pounded his doorbell and flew back
to the safety of the bushes and Grandma. Together we waited
breathlessly in the darkness for the front door to open.
Finally it did, and there stood Bobby.

Fifty years haven't dimmed the thrill of those moments spent
shivering, beside my Grandma, in Bobby Decker's bushes. That
night, I realized that those awful rumors about Santa Claus
were just what Grandma said they were: ridiculous.
Santa was alive and well, and we were on his team.

I still have the Bible, with the tag tucked inside: $19.95.

"He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree."

Old Hollywood Squares



Peter MarshallThese great questions and answers are from days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Please note: Alot of these people answering the questions are now no longer with us!

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at Paul Lyndenudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Charley WeaverQ. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.

PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

Cemetary
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him...

The Love Doctor


The Love Doctor Dear Love Doctor,

I need your help right away. This is an emergency. I've got myself in an awful jam.

Last night the company I work for had its annual Christmas Party. I got a little drunk, and at some point in the evening I found myself in the washroom with my boss.

This guy is really nice. He's also very handsome, but very married. At any rate, I said some things I shouldn't have and then kissed him. On the lips. And, he kissed me back.

As far as I know he's straight and the whole thing shocked into sobering up.

What do I do now?

I'm afraid he's going to freak out on me. Should I say anything, like apologize?

After I kissed him I quickly left the bathroom, and left the party.

Signed,

Messy Drunk


Dear Messy,

Christmas Parties are supposed to be fun times, but invariably they are the scenes for some sort of major problem. Either someone gets liquored up and tells off the boss, or someone else gets caught in the coatroom with someone other than their spouse.

I don't know what your working relationship is with your boss, but, one thing is certain it will never be quite the same.

That he kissed you back doesn't really help either. If he was drunk, he may not have meant it. Then again, he may be a closet case. Either way he may be as embarrassed as you are.

For the next few weeks you should just try to lie low and stay out of his way.

If he is interested in you for more than an employee he'll find a way to let you know. If he isn't let's hope the whole thing blows over. But, do not say or do anything to make him feel that you are treating him any differently. If he feels threatened you could be history.

Your situation is a good warning to all of us, and brings to mind an old adage: 'You don't crap where you eat.'



The Love Doctor


Monday, November 29, 2010

A Normal Day?

For these two German dudes, a normal day is filled with a series of throwing and balancing feats. Luck and persistence – or actual skill? Either way, they’re fun to watch.




Jones Bacon Flavoured Soda


Everything is better with bacon, right?!?!

Introducing the one time only Jones Bacon Soda. We teamed up with the creative group at Bacon Salt, for this holiday treat you don't want to miss.
Each case includes:

* 2 Bottles of Jones Bacon Soda
* 1 Tube of Bacon Lip Balm
* 1 Package of Bacon Popcorn
* 1 Package of Bacon Gravy Mix

Click below to order yours today! (The Wizard makes no money on anything you order from these guys...)



2010 NYC Marathon: Runners



".... and don't call me Shirley!"


Leslie NielsenFORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. (AP) - Leslie Nielsen, who went from drama to inspired bumbling as a hapless doctor in "Airplane!" and the accident-prone detective Frank Drebin in the "Naked Gun" comedies, has died. He was 84.

His agent John S. Kelly says Nielsen died Sunday at a hospital near his home in Ft. Lauderdale where he was being treated for pneumonia.

The Canadian-born Nielsen came to Hollywood in the mid-1950s after performing in 150 live television dramas in New York. With a craggily handsome face, blond hair and 6-foot-2 height, he seemed ideal for a movie leading man.

He quickly became known as a serious actor, although behind the camera he was a prankster. That was an aspect of his personality never exploited, however, until "Airplane!" was released in 1980 and became a huge hit.

*CelebrityDeathBeeper.com


Sunday, November 28, 2010

The Three Pigs


The mind of a 6-year old is a wonderful and amazing thing.

One day the infant school teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "..And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy F***! A talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.


Saturday, November 27, 2010

This should be required reading for the Conservatives, Liberals and the NDP


"Understanding Tax Cuts"

Sometimes politicians, journalists and the liberal left exclaim; "It's just a tax cut for the rich!" and it is just accepted to be fact.

But what does that really mean?

Just in case you are not completely clear on this issue, I hope the following will help. Please read it carefully. Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand.

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for dinner and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

' The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
' The fifth would pay $1.
' The sixth would pay $3.
' The seventh would pay $7.
' The eighth would pay $12.
' The ninth would pay $18.
' The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do.

The ten men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve.

"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20." Dinner for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still eat for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to eat their meal.

So, the restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:

' The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
' The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings).
' The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% savings).
' The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
' The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
' The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to eat for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man," but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than me!"

"That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for dinner, so the nine sat down and ate without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start eating overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.


Sand Art

The Beach



Hyuk!

7 reasons not to mess with a child


A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;
it was physically impossible.

The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".



A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, "They will in a minute."



A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."



One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette ZZZhead.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"



The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "



A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."



The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.



It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.


Friday, November 26, 2010

1895 8th grade final exam**


**Check this out regarding the 'story' below: Urban Legends

What it took to get an 8th grade education in 1895...

Remember when grandparents and great-grandparents stated that they only had an 8th grade education? Well, check this out. Could any of us have passed the 8th grade in 1895?

This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 in Salina , Kansas , USA ... It was taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina , and reprinted by the Salina Journal..

8th Grade Final Exam:
Salina , KS - 1895


Grammar (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of capital letters.
2. Name the parts of speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define verse, stanza and paragraph.
4. What are the principal parts of a verb? Give principal parts of 'lie,' 'play,' and 'run'.
5. Define case; illustrate each case.
6 What is punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of punctuation.
7 - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic (Time, 1 hour 15 minutes)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. Deep, 10 feet Long, and 3 ft. Wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3,942 lbs, what is it worth at 50 cts/bushel, deducting 1,050 lbs for tare?
4. District No 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find the cost of 6,720 lbs. Coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent per annum.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft long at $20 per metre?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance of which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.

U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided.
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton , Bell , Lincoln , Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, 1865.

Orthography (Time, one hour)
[Do we even know what this is??]
1. What is meant by the following: alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication?
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals?
4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u'.
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e.' Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi, dis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane , vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.

Geography (Time, one hour)
1 What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America.
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia , Odessa , Denver , Manitoba , Hecla , Yukon , St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S. Name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.


HUH??? Are they kidding??? This is hard to believe....

Notice that the exam took FIVE HOURS to complete.

Gives the saying 'he only had an 8th grade education' a whole new meaning, doesn't it?!

Also shows you how poor our education system has become and, NO, I don't have the answers!

You should know them because you have at least an eighth grade education, don't you !!!!!!!!!!!

Q and A


Q: What are big cats in Old Compton Street* thinking as they stalk slowly very low down in the elephant grass towards you?

A: Ooooh! Haven't I got nice shoulders ducky?! Just look at them going up and down! Oooh! I'm soee butch!


Gay Cat
*The street is the centre of London's gay community. In the middle of Soho.

TROY - The Latest Strip


--Wizard's Note: I have updated all the TROY posts to reflect Michael Derry's new domain. Links are no longer broken--


This a gay-themed comic

Click Above Then choose 'Current Strip'

Click Above Then choose 'Current Strip'.



The new comic, Troy #268, Leviticus Shmiticus is out in the magazines and up online. Derrick has it out with Sister Shawna.

And you can find Michael's books and ebooks for sale at TROYTooner.


Nativity Scene


A Nativity Scene was erected in a church yard.

During the night the folks came across this scene.

An abandoned dog was looking for a comfortable, protected place to sleep. He chose baby Jesus as his comfort. No one had the heart to send him away so he was there all night.

Dog in Nativity Scene
We should all have the good sense of this dog and curl up in Jesus' lap from time to time.

No one mentioned that the dogs breed is a "shepherd!"

*Thanks, Dw

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Blue Man Group!



*Thanks, Darcene

The Rider's Prayer


Saskatchewan Roughriders

Our quarterback
Who art in Edmonton
Darian be thy name
Thy game be done, thy will be WON
In Commonwealth as it was in Mosiac

Give us this game, The Grey Cup Game
And forget about Calgary's whiners
As we forgive those who can't measure up to us
Lead us not into interception
But deliver us from Calvillo

For thine are the Riders
With the Power and the Glory
Forever and ever

Amen !

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American Friends!



Michael shoots his .45 with his feet



Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Peter Paige


Gay Celebrity Profile: Actor
by Ramon Johnson From Ramon Johnson, Your Guide


About Peter Paige: Peter Paige is an accomplished stage, film and television actor. Peter enjoys tennis, sushi and candy during his "limited" off-time in Los Angeles.

Peter's First Break: On his first Los Angeles audition, Peter landed a guest starring role on the TV series, "Suddenly Susan". His television credits also include guest roles on "Will & Grace", "Time of Your Life", "Girlfriends", and "Caroline in the City".

The Queer As Folk Legacy: Millions of households invited Emmett into their homes during Showtime's previous breakthrough series, "Queer As Folk". Peter Paige played the essentric Emmett Honeycutt.


Click here for more on queerasfolk

For more on QAF, click above.


Peter Paige on Stage: Peter Paige has worked with several regional theaters throughout the U.S. His favorite theatrical roles were "A Midsummer Night’s Dream" (Portland Center Stage), "The Rivals" (Portland Center Stage), "Secret Agents" (Artemis Productions), "You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown" (Charles Playhouse ), and "Pantophobia" (HBO Workspace), his two-man show written and performed with Abraham Higginbotham.

Peter Paige on Screen: Peter created his own production company, Best Little Boy Productions, in 2003. Its inaugural feature, "Say Uncle", was written and directed by Peter himself and starred Kathy Najimy, Anthony Clark, Lisa Edelstein, Jim Ortleib, Melanie Lynskey, and Gabrielle Union.

Other film credits include Don McKellar’s "Childstar", the Showtime movie "Our America" (Sundance 2002), "Pop", and the award-winning shorts "The Four of Us" and "The Shooting".

The Physics of Santa Claus


1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, and assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of his sleigh, jump down the chimnye, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course we know to be false but for the purpose of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking aabout .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 punds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (refer to point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal load, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entereing the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per SECOND, EACH! In short, hey will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create a deafening sonic boom in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousanths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal* forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead by now. (Sorry, Kids!)

* Please note that centrifugal is a made-up non existent word. The real word should be centripetal. Centrifugal is a made up force that physics people HATE! So please, everyone use the world centripetal, not centrifugal. Thanks!


The Night Before Christmas


Soldiers sleeping on the floor
T'was the night before Christmas, He lived all alone,
In a one bedroom house, Made of plaster and stone.

I had come down the chimney, With presents to give,
And to see just who, In this home did live.

I looked all about, A strange sight I did see,
No tinsel, no presents, Not even a tree.

No stocking by the mantle, Just boots filled with sand,
On the wall hung pictures, Of far distant lands.

With medals and badges, Awards of all kinds,
A sober thought, Came through my mind.

For this house was different, It was dark and dreary,
I found the home of a soldier, Once I could see clearly.

The soldier lay sleeping, Silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor, In this one bedroom home.

The face was so gentle, The room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured, A Canadian soldier.

Was this the hero,Of whom I'd just read?,
Curled up on a poncho, The floor for a bed?

I realized the families, That I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these soldiers, Who were willing to fight.

Soon round the world, The children would play,
And grownups would celebrate, A bright Christmas Day.

They all enjoyed freedom, Each month of the year,
Because of the soldiers, Like the one lying here.

I couldn't help wonder, How many lay alone,
On a cold Christmas Eve, In a land far from home.

The very thought brought A tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees, And started to cry.

The soldier awakened, And I heard a rough voice,
'Santa, don't cry. This life is my choice.

I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more,
My life is my God, My country, my corps.'

The soldier rolled over, And drifted to sleep,
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.

I kept watch for hours, So silent and still,
And we both shivered, From the cold night's chill.

I didn't want to leave, On that cold, dark night,
This guardian of honor, So willing to fight.

Then the soldier rolled over, With a voice, soft and pure,
Whispered, 'Carry on Santa, It's Christmas Day, all is secure.'

One look at my watch, And I knew he was right,
'Merry Christmas my friend, And to all a good night.'


This poem was written by a peace keeping soldier stationed overseas. The following is his request, I think it is reasonable.


PLEASE. Would you do me the kind favor of forwarding this post to as many people as you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to our Canadian service men and women for our being able to celebrate these Festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe. Make People stop and think of our heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us.


Santa paid a visit to Afganistan
*Thanks, Robert

A Christmas Story


'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season



Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Ahhh, Winnipeg!


Cold Winnipeg, err.. WinterpegA curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit.

But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Mr. Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering...why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Ah, those...," Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Winnipeg. They're still too cold and wet to burn."


Girls Night Out


Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee.

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that.

After finishing, they then made off for home.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing, said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her ass that said, "From All of Us At the Fire Station, We'll Never Forget You."


Japanese IQ Test


Click here to play.
Click Above


If you give up.. the answer is here.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Cold Winter...


C-O-L-D!The Farmer's Almanac is predicting a very cold winter. It must be true because the squirrels are gathering NUTS. Three of my readers have disappeared.

Are you O.K.?


*Thanks, Bright Eyes

Winter in Canada!


WINTER Poem

It's winter in Canada
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.

Oh, how I love Canada
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Canada
Cuz I'm frozen to the ground!



98% OF CANADIANS SAY "OH SHIT" BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.
THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM NEWFOUNDLAND AND THEY SAY, "HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS."



*Thanks, Dwight

Life's Truths for Mature Adults


1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. Really, how ARE you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Crap!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber &dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'll bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.


*Thanks, Bright Eyes

"The Mother-in-law Excuse"


We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party.

We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.

We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.

The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.

So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away.

'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening.


*Thanks, Bright Eyes

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Cool sites and pics...


Anti-matter Trapped For the First Time

This an interesting article. I remember doing a report in high school about the possibility of capturing antimatter and now it’s done.

gizmodo.com


“Many scientists speculate that antimatter may be the key to provide unlimited power capable of driving machines that are unthinkable right now. Eventually, it could be the stuff that could power new engines capable of taking us to the stars at near-light speed.”



"Open for business..."

Open for business...
The truth behind chicken little's shenanigans

The sky is falling!


Stuttering Cat....


As explained by a 4th grade student.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF, but before she could say "Fuck!," the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room


*Thanks, Robert

Quotes of the day


Those who are lifting the world upward and onward are those who encourage more than criticize.

–Elizabeth Harrison, educator (1849-1927)

Treat people as if they were what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable of being.

–Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, German writer (1749-1831)

The best executive is the one who has sense enough to pick good men to do what he wants done, and self-restraint to keep from meddling with them while they do it.

–Theodore Roosevelt, 26th President (1858-1919)


Here's a lady worthy of a Darwin award!



Saturday, November 20, 2010

Mickey Mouse Trivia


Mickey MouseHere is some trivia:

1. Which of the following was not a Mouseketeer?
A. Christina Aguilera
B. Annette Funicello
C. Ryan Gosling
D. Britney Spears
E. Justin Timberlake

2. How many people are credited for providing the voice of Mickey Mouse in the past 80 years?
A. 1
B. 3
C. 5
D. 8
E. 15

3. Mickey Mouse's first appearance was in Plane Crazy on May 15, 1928. The Walt Disney Company considers today Mickey's birthday, commemorating the release of what cartoon?
A. The Barn Dance
B. The Opry House
C. The Gallopin' Gaucho
D. Mickey's Follies
E. Steamboat Willie

4. Walt Disney created Mickey Mouse to replace which animated character?
A. Felix the Cat
B. Dog the Bounty Hunter
C. Minnie the Moocher
D. Oswald the Lucky Rabbit

5. To whom did Walt Disney give credit for the inspiration for Mickey's personality?
A. Charlie Chaplin
B. Woodrow Wilson
C. Shoeless Joe Jackson
D. Hoagy Carmichael
E. Stan Laurel

6. What were Mickey's first spoken words?
A. "Put her down!"
B. "Jeepers!"
C. "Eeek! A cat!"
D. "You know what they say about big hands, Minnie!"
E. "Hot dogs!"

7. On March 28, 1929, what happened to Mickey for the first time?
A. He met Minnie
B. He asked Minnie out
C. He kissed Minnie
D. He danced with Minnie
E. He wore gloves

8. The first piece of Mickey Mouse merchandise appeared in 1929. It was:
A. A lunchbox
B. A beanie cap with large ears
C. A school writing tablet
D. Suspenders
E. A video game

9. In 1932, Walt Disney received a special Academy Award for creating Mickey Mouse. How many Oscars has Mickey won?
A. 0
B. 1
C. 2
D. 3
E. 5

10. Who said: "Brake! Brake! Brake now, you Mickey Mouse piece of s--!"
A. Charles Lindbergh
B. Neil Armstrong
C. Sylvester Stallone
D. Henry Ford
E. Minnie Mouse

11. Match the event with the year:
1. The first Mickey Mouse watch is sold
2. Mickey gets his own entry in Encyclopedia Britannica
3. Minnie first turns down Mickey in favour of Peg Leg Pete
4. Mickey's eyes get pupils
5. Mickey leads Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade in New York

a. 1929
b. 1933
c. 1934
d. 1935
e. 1940

12. Who once famously put a black bra on top of his head to imitate Mickey, and said "I'm the mascot of an evil corporation."
A. Walt Disney
B. Scrooge McDuck
C. John Belushi
D. Dan Aykroyd
E. Bart Simpson

13. True or False: In a 2007 children's television show titled Tomorrow's Pioneers, the Hamas used a Mickey Mouse clone named Farfour to encourage children to use AK-47 assault rifles and grenades, telling them that "We will return the Islamic community to its former greatness, and liberate Jerusalem, God willing, liberate Iraq, God willing, and liberate all the countries of the Muslims invaded by the murderers." Following intervention by the Palestinian government, the character was beaten to death by an Israeli and replaced by Nahoul, his bumblebee cousin.

14. Another first: 30 years ago today, Mickey became the first cartoon character to:
A. Receive a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame
B. Win an Emmy Award
C. Sing during the Super Bowl halftime show
D. Be charged for impaired driving
E. Appear in a porn film

15. Has Disney's Mickey Mouse ever appeared in the same film as Warner Brothers' Bugs Bunny?

16. Who said:
"Well, it's time they got their act together. They're ruining the whole league. They had better stop running a Mickey Mouse organization and put somebody on the ice."
A. Former Disney CEO Michael Eisner
B. Hockey Night in Canada analyst Don Cherry
C. Emilio Estevez, in the movie The Mighty Ducks
D. Bugs Bunny
E. Wayne Gretzky




Below are the answers.

1. None. All five were Mouseketeers.

2. B. Three. Walt Disney voiced Mickey from 1928-47, when Jim MacDonald took over. In 1977, Wayne Allwine, the current voice of Mickey, took over from MacDonald.

3. E. Steamboat Willie. Plane Crazy and The Gallopin' Gaucho preceded Steamboat Willie, which was the first Mickey film with sound.

4. D. Oswald the Lucky Rabbit.

5. A. Charlie Chaplin. Said Disney: "I think we are rather indebted to Charlie Chaplin for the idea. We wanted something appealing, and we thought of a tiny bit of a mouse that would have something of the wistfulness of Chaplin -- a little fellow trying to do the best he could."

6. E. "Hot dogs!" In 1929's The Karnival Kid, Mickey sells hot dogs.

7. E. Mickey first wore gloves in The Opry House.

8. C.

9. B. Mickey won his only Oscar for 1941's Lend A Paw, which starred not Mickey, but Pluto.

10. C. In the movie Demolition Man, Stallone shouts those words to his police car.

11. 1b; 2c; 3a; 4e; 5d

12. E. Bart Simpson in The Simpsons Movie.

13. True.

14. A.

15. Yes, they appeared together in 1988's Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

16. E. Gretzky said it in 1984 after his Edmonton Oilers defeated the New Jersey Devils 13-4.


Visit Mickey Mouse on Wikipedia!


"First they came…" is a poem attributed to Pastor Martin Niemoller (1892–1984)


First they came...

*Thanks, Michele


This poem was forwarded to me and I like it and her follow up comments:

I came across this poem in my afternoon of internet browsing using stumble upon. And with it being a social day for me I have conversed with peoples and realized the real need for individuals who are educated to take a stand.

Discrimination in the work place isn't cool whether it's due to sex, sexual orientation, intellectual disability or mental health problems. Let's acknowledge people and rejoice in their gifts and not diminish the value of there efforts simply because someone who doesn't have there challenges can handle challenges "better".

Let's speak up when people "joke" in ways that demean people due to these kinds of differences. Tonight I learned that people are still being killed because of these differences which is appalling in this day and age.

The Obama Condom - Only in America!


Who says Experience is necessary?

These are uncertain times. The economy's a ball-buster and the surge went flaccid... but now there's Obama Condoms, for a change you can believe in!



The Obama Condom
FOR THE ELITIST PENIS
THEY WON'T LEAVE A BITTER TASTE IN YOUR MOUTH
WHEN YOU JUST WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL

*ObamaCondoms.com

Friday, November 19, 2010

Age Barometer (Some of these only Americans will remember)


How many of these do you remember? (No right or wrong answers, just a measure of how old you are and what you remember). Feel free to add items in the Comments below!


Blackjack and Beeman's gum
Powerhouse candy bars
Licorice records
Wax teeth, lips and mustaches
Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
Candy lipstick
Candy cigarettes
Fizzies
Soda pop machines that dispense bottles
Pull tabs that snapped off soda cans
Tableside jukeboxes in coffee shops
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
Movies preceded by cartoons and newsreels
Party lines
Rotary phones
Drive-ins with car hops
Sock hops
Winter rubber boots with metal latches
Coonskin caps
P.F. Flyers (Shoes and runners)
Angora sweaters
Bouffant hairdos
Spoolies
Hair dryers with plastic caps
Butch wax
Dart guns with rubber-tipped darts
Tin-can telephones
Peashooters
Cork popguns
Roll of cap-gun caps
Howdy Doody puppets
Beanie and Cecil dolls
Two-bladed ice skates that clip onto shoes
Roller skates that clip onto shoes
Roller skate keys
Metal lunchboxes
S & H green stamps and Plaid stamps
Winky Dink kits for drawing on the TV screen
Crystal radios
Console hi-fi's with 78's
45-rpm records
Hand-crank wringers on tub washing machines
Slide rules
Levered metal ice trays
Mimeograph paper
Carbon paper
Flash bulbs
Eight-track tape decks
8mm Home movie cameras
Dick and Jane readers


Animal Noises


A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.

"Davy, what noise does a cow make?"

"It goes moo."

"Alice, what noise does a cat make?"

"It goes meow."

"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"

"It goes baaa."

"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"

"Errr.., it goes.. click!"


Gender of Inanimate Objects


Gender City


You may not know that many non-living things have a gender. For example:

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air component.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female. Ha! You thought it'd be Male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

CANADA!!!


CANADA!!!!


Canada is huge. It spans six time zones from "Sea to Sea to Sea" and is the world's second largest country with an area of 9, 970, 610 square kilometres (3, 849,656 square miles).

Borders:

Canada is surrounded by three oceans - the Pacific Ocean to the west, the Atlantic Ocean to the east and the Arctic Ocean to the north. To the south is the United States of America, which shares almost 9,000 kilometres of undefended border with Canada.

Provinces and Territories:

Ottawa, located in the province of Ontario, is the capital of Canada. Canada consists of ten provinces and three territories, each with its own capital city:

Alberta - Edmonton


British Columbia - Victoria


Manitoba - Winnipeg


New Brunswick - Fredericton


Newfoundland & Labrador - St. John's


Northwest Territories - Yellowknife


Nova Scotia - Halifax


Nunavut - Iqaluit


Ontario - Toronto


Prince Edward Island - Charlottetown


Quebec - City of Québec


Saskatchewan - Regina


Yukon Territory - Whitehorse

Population:

30,750,100 people living in Canada


Distribution: 77% urban, 23% rural


Aboriginal Peoples: North American Indian 69%, Métis 26%, Inuit 5%


Official Languages: English and French


Languages Spoken: English 59%, French 23%, Other 18%
For detailed Canadian Statistics check the Statistics Canada Web site.

Political System:

Canada is a federal parliamentary democracy with a constitutional monarchy. The Canadian parliamentary system is modeled after the British form of government and consists of the Crown, Senate and House of Commons.

The Crown, or Queen, is the traditional Head of State who is represented in Canada by the Governor General. The Crown delegates authority to the Governor General, who acts on her behalf in a mostly symbolic role as the Head of State. The office of the Governor General is one of Canada's oldest institutions, dating back almost 400 years.

The Senate, or Upper House, consists of 105 members appointed by the Governor General upon the advice of the Prime Minister. The Senate and House of Commons share similar authorities, but only the House of Commons can introduce financial legislation. The House of Commons, or Lower House, is the primary legislative body of Parliament representing 301 Canadian electoral districts.

Every five years voters elect local members to the House of Commons and the political party with the most representatives forms the government. The party leader becomes the Head of Government or Prime Minister; The Right Honourable Paul Martin is the current and twentieth-first Prime Minister.

Get detailed information about the history and function of Parliament. Learn more about the office of the Prime Minister or role of the Governor General.

National Emblem

Historically, Canada's most important national emblem has been the maple leaf. The maple leaf, in variant forms and colours, has appeared on the penny, Canadian coats of arms and regimental banners. In 1965 the maple leaf became the central design on the Canadian national flag. The red maple leaf is recognized world-wide as a Canadian symbol.




Visit the Canadian Heritage Web site for more details about the national flag.

The Canadian Heritage Web site offers detailed information about other Canadian Symbols.

National Anthem of Canada

O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love
in all thy sons command.

With glowing hearts
we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!
From far and wide,
O Canada,
we stand on guard for thee.

God keep our land
glorious and free!
O Canada,
we stand on guard for thee.

O Canada,
we stand on guard for thee.

French Version

O Canada! Terre de nos aïeux,
Ton front est ceint de fleurons glorieux!

Car ton bras sait porter l'épée,
Il sait porter la croix!

Ton histoire est une épopée
Des plus brillants exploits.

Et ta valeur, de foi trempée,
Protégera nos foyers et nos droits.

Protégera nos foyers et nos droits.

Culture and Language

Canada's culture and official language policy are features that are unique to Canada. To learn more about culture, languages, education, communications and economy in Canada, take a look at the Canadian profile on the Canadian Heritage Web site.



Geography and Climate:

Canada's climate varies throughout the country. Each region experiences variable temperature and precipitation levels, although most of Canada experiences four distinct seasons.

  • Spring — Average temperature = 15 degrees Celsius



  • Summer — Average temperature = 25 degrees Celsius



  • Fall — Average temperature = 15 degrees Celsius



  • Winter — Average temperature = -25 degrees Celsius

    Like its climate, Canada has a diverse geography that varies regionally. Canada encompasses several geographical elements - from Arctic tundra in the north, lush rain forests in the west, the Prairie wheat fields in central Canada, to the rugged coastlines of the Atlantic and Pacific provinces.

    Canada has several distinct geographic and climatic regions:

    The Pacific or West Coast — enjoys Canada's most favourable climate. The warm Pacific Ocean air produces a temperate rain forest climate. The winters, although mild, include significant precipitation - particularly in southern British Columbia. The northern and interior regions, however, experience heavy snowfall.

    The Cordillera or Cordilleran mountain range, extends from British Columbia to Alberta and as far north as the Yukon. The Cordillera include the Coastal Range, the Rockies and St. Elias Mountains.

    The Prairies — encompass the provinces of Manitoba, Saskatchewan and Alberta from east to west. The Prairies, considered world leaders in grain production, are famous for their seemingly endless fields of grain.

    Prairie summers are hot and dry with little precipitation. Levels of precipitation vary somewhat across the region however, with annual rates ranging from 300 to 500 mm. The "chinook" winds of the Prairies counteract the long, cold winters producing milder temperatures, sometimes as much as 20 degrees in a matter of hours.

    The Great Lakes/St. Lawrence Region — is home to half of Canada's population. Summer temperatures average 20 degrees Celsius, but may feel considerably warmer with the humidity. Winters in this region are typically cold with heavy snowfall.

    This area has some of the best agricultural land in Canada. It is suitable for growing a wide variety of fruits and vegetables. The Niagara Peninsula region produces several quality wines. Maple syrup and sugar are other products of the Great Lakes region.

    The Atlantic or Maritime Region — experiences high levels of precipitation throughout the year due to the proximity of the Atlantic Ocean. The winters are characteristically cold with heavy periods of snowfall. During the summer temperatures may range from 16 to 18 degrees Celsius. Fog is prevalent in some Atlantic areas, particularly in the spring and summer.

    The North or Arctic Regions — is blanketed in snow much of the year. A northern summer consists of four months of perpetual sunlight with temperatures reaching 10 to 20 degrees Celsius, in the arctic and sub-arctic respectively. The summer permafrost allows for the growth of vegetative life. The long, cold winters, with very few hours of daylight, are brightened by The Northern Lights or Aurora Borealis.

    For more information about the Canadian climate, visit the Environment Canada Web site.

    Like many large countries, Canada has several time zones. Canada uses six Standard Time Zones and observes Daylight Savings Time in every province but Saskatchewan.


    National Parks and National Historic Sites:

    In 1885, the Canadian government established the first national park in Banff, Alberta. Today, there are more than forty National Parks that occupy approximately 2 percent of Canada's total landmass. Canada's National Park system is monitored and protected by Parks Canada. All levels of government recognize the urgency of preserving the ecological integrity of Canada's parks for generations to come.

    In addition, Parks Canada and Canadian Heritage strive to commemorate the people, places and events of national historic significance. Canada has designated more than 800 National Historic Sites throughout the country. These sites represent the variety of Canada's unique history, culture and people.

    Canada is also home to thirteen UNESCO World Heritage Sites. Countries worldwide share the responsibility of preserving sites of ecological or biological universal importance.
  • Thursday, November 18, 2010

    The Flight


    On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

    The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.

    Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!

    Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

    For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare.

    Eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

    Then a cowboy named Jack from Carmichael Saskatchewan stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

    He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.

    One button at a time.

    No one moves.

    He removes his shirt.

    Muscles ripple across his chest.

    She gasps...

    He whispers . . .

    "Iron this -- and then get me a beer."


    Three Women


    (Sorry about the caps!)

    THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY --WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.

    "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. " I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

    A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

    THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!"


    "Oh I wish I was Oscar Meyer's weiner, that is what 'd truly like to be..."


    Who is Oscar Meyer and why does everyone want to be his weiner?

    For the record:

    OSCAR MAYER WEINER SONG

    Oh I wish I were an Os-car Mayer Wie - ner
    That is what I'd tru-ly like to be
    'cause if I were an Os-car May-er Wie - ner
    Ev-ery one would be in love with me.

    Mike - The Headless Chicken


    The Amazing, true story of this famous fowl dates back to September 10, 1945 when Mike, a young Wyandotte rooster, was about to become the dinner of Fruita, Colorado, farmer Lloyd Olsen.

    With a sharp ax in hand, Mr. Olsen firmly held Mike, preparing to make the bird ready for his wife Clara's cooking pot. Mr. Olsen swung the implement, thereby lopping off poor Mike's head. Mike shook off the event, then continued trying to peck for food.

    Mike's will to live remains an inspiration. It is a great comfort to know you can live a normal life, even after you have lost your mind.


    Click here for more about Mike

    Not grossed out yet? Then click above

    Wednesday, November 17, 2010

    I am in LOVE - I'll admit it, for you alone


    by eveutopie, wattpad

    I'll admit it, for you alone

    I ate the last piece of Kelly's cake

    I am truly sorry

    I know you "j'adore" the stuff

    ...

    Wait, no

    That's not what I was planning on saying

    I meant to say

    Ring

    One second

    ...

    Kelly called

    She said she's making another cake

    Just for you

    ...

    You really do have girls falling all over you

    I wish that was my case, too

    ...

    No, that's a lie

    I don't want heels and perfume

    I want bark-colored, wavy hair

    I want burnt-coffee eyes

    I want cologne that smells of mint

    Because they all remind me of you

    ...

    I want you

    ...

    I love you

    ...

    I wanted to tell you that

    ...

    But you're not my mirror

    Organization of the workplace


    ANOTHER GREAT EXPLANATION.

    Never seen a Flow Chart described so clearly.

    Organization of the workplace

    When top level guys look down, they see only shitheads;
    When bottom level guys look up, they see only assholes...

    *Thanks, Dwight

    Useful little word!


    Useful little two lettered word..bet you never gave this a second thought, I know I didnt realize this little word had so many different meanings.




    Think about it.




    UP


    Read until the end.....you'll laugh....


    This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

    It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

    At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

    At other times this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

    And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

    We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

    To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

    If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

    When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now.......

    My time is UP !

    Oh...one more thing:

    What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?

    U
    P !


    Did that one crack you UP?

    Don't screw UP. Send this post on to everyone you look UP in your address book.. or not...it's UP to you.


    Now I'll shut UP


    *Thanks, Dwight