A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer,entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple.
This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Saskatoon and I worked both sides of the river."
Monday, May 31, 2010
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
When God was creating the human race, he lined up all the males on one side and all the females opposite.
Then he asked, "Which of your species would like to urinate standing up?"
Well, the males went crazy, shouting that they wanted to pee standing up.
"Fine", says God, "Women get multiple orgasms."
Sunday, May 30, 2010
The Value of Reason
"The only sovereign you can allow to rule you is reason. Misery, iniquity, and utter destruction lurk in the shadows outside its full light, where half-truths snare the faithful disciples, the deeply feeling believers, the selfless followers. Faith and feelings are the warm marrow of evil. Unlike reason, faith and feelings provide no boundary to limit any delusion, any whim. They are a virulent poison, giving the numbing illusion of moral sanction to every depravity ever hatched. Faith and feelings are the darkness to reason's light. Reason is the very substance of truth itself. The glory that is life is wholly embraced through reason. In rejecting reason, one embraces death."
Be an active listener
The best tip anyone could give is to follow the golden rule. If you do something to someone that does not feel right, it probably wasn't. I don't think there are a lot of bad people, but I do feel that people today do not take the time to get in the habit of following the rule. This leads to many different problems that become bad habits. Just get in the habit of following the golden rule and you will find that issues you had before are not so bad now.
Man has responsibility; not power.
Avoid excessive idling
Shut off engine while waiting for friends and family. Today's vehicles are designed to "warm up" fast, so forget about those long warm-ups on cold winter mornings.
Don't just sell your product, use it!
A market is never saturated with a good product, but it is very quickly saturated with a bad one.
Find something that you enjoy doing so much that you'd do it for nothing, and pretty soon you'll be paid more than you can spend.
How many times, as a manager, have you said to your staff, "We have to try harder!" Could we be trying too hard? If you try too hard for something it may lead to the following problems: working harder instead of smarter, unimaginative problem solving, unrealistic goals, self-defeating attitude, and being too critical on yourself. Sometimes trying too hard back fires, because of the unwanted stress created by the above terminology of trying harder. Instead of trying harder, next time try on working smarter.
At the end of a business trip, Maurice was driving through a small town when he decided to stop and watch a Little League game at a local park. In the fifth inning, Maurice was surprised to see the manager bring in a cocker spaniel for an inning of relief. The dog struck out the side. “That’s incredible!” Maurice exclaimed to the man next to him. “His owners must be so proud of him!” “Not particularly,” said the spectator. “He’s an effective middle reliever, but every time he starts or finishes a game, he gets bombed.”
One day three female astronauts—a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde—had a few drinks in a bar to celebrate their accomplishments. The brunette said, “We should be proud that we were the first female astronauts to land on the moon.” The redhead said, “And we should be proud that we were the first astronauts to walk on Mars.” The blonde added, “And we should be proud that someday we’ll be the first astronauts to fly to the sun.” “Don’t be ridiculous,” said the brunette. ”If we got within a 100-mile radius of the sun, we would burn up and die!” The blonde replied, “That’s why we’ll go at night, after the sun goes down.”
Herb: I’ll have you know that Junior could recite the Gettysburg Address at the age of twenty-two!
Max: What’s so great about that?
Herb: Well, Abraham Lincoln didn’t recite it until he was fifty-four!
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two dumb truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12 feet, 4 inches tall. “What do you think?” one asked the other. The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. “Not a cop in sight. Let’s do it!”
Top Ten Things I Can Say Now That I Lost "American Idol"
10. "If I had won, I was gonna blow the prize money on candy and fireworks"
9. "Honestly, I thought I was auditioning for 'The Apprentice'"
8. "Ryan Seacrest isn't as smart as he seems on TV"
7. "If you want to see me 'perform,' I'll be working the noon-to-8 shift at Old Navy tomorrow"
6. "George W. Bush didn't win the popular vote either, and he's done pretty well for himself"
5. "Underneath that table, Randy Jackson doesn't wear pants"
4. "Until 10 minutes ago, I had no idea who Dave Letterman was"
3. "I could take down Clay Aiken with one arm in a sling"
2. "I handled my loss well -- I gathered my belongings, said my goodbyes and keyed the crap out of Simon's car"
1. "I have one thing to say to the voters: What in the hell is wrong with you people?"
YOU MAY NEED A NEW PSYCHIC IF...
* He keeps shaking black crystal ball and says, "Ask again later."
* Every time you draw the Death card, she yells "Go Fish!"
* Looks suspiciously like that guy who fixed your muffler last week.
* His idea of an "out of body experience" involves whipped cream and women's clothing.
* His spoon bending requires two pliers.
* Sign in window: "As Seen on '60 Minutes."
* During card-reading, asks if you want to "hit" or "stand."
* Insists that your astrological sign is "The Armadillo."
* Psychics Magazine rates her just below fortune cookies, just above your mom.
* Repeatedly attempts to read your palm with his genitalia.
* Shakes her crystal ball, then predicts a large snowstorm.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
A new supermarket opened in Saskatoon.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brats.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
The final letter: A love letter from a gay WWII GI
By 365gay Newswire Newswire
“Stories from the Frontlines: Letters to President Barack Obama” was launched to underscore the urgent need for congressional action and presidential leadership in the fight to repeal “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT). With the House and Senate votes, we’re bringing the series to a close – for now. Even with the recent votes, it is important for all gay and lesbian, active-duty service members, including the reserves and the national guard, to know they’re at risk. They must continue to serve in silence under the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ law that remains on the books. Congress and the Pentagon need to stay on track to get repeal finalized, hopefully no later than first quarter 2011.
The final letter in this series was written by a World War II soldier to another on the occasion of their anniversary.
It is a love letter.
May 28, 2010
President Barack H. Obama
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Northwest
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Mr. President,
For the past month, we have sent you personal letters from those harmed by “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” With the votes in the House and the Senate Armed Services Committee, we are bringing our series to a close. The final letter we are sharing with you was written by a World War II soldier to another service member. It is a love letter penned on the occasion of their anniversary.
The letter, which follows below, was published in September 1961 by ONE Magazine – an early gay magazine based out of Los Angeles. In 2000, Bob Connelly, an adjunct professor of LGBT studies at American University, found a copy of the letter in the Library of Congress. He brought the letter to the attention of Servicemembers Legal Defense Network last month.
We sincerely thank Mr. Connelly for his research and the ONE National Gay & Lesbian Archives for granting permission for the letter to be republished.
Please accept this letter on the behalf of all lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender service members on active-duty, in the reserve and in the National Guard; those who have been discharged; and those who didn’t enlist because of the discriminatory law now being dismantled.
With great respect,
Former Specialist 4th Class Aubrey Sarvis
United States Army
The letter as published by ONE Magazine:
This is in memory of an anniversary – the anniversary of October 27th, 1943, when I first heard you singing in North Africa. That song brings memories of the happiest times I’ve ever known. Memories of a GI show troop – curtains made from barrage balloons – spotlights made from cocoa cans – rehearsals that ran late into the evenings – and a handsome boy with a wonderful tenor voice. Opening night at a theatre in Canastel – perhaps a bit too much muscatel, and someone who understood. Exciting days playing in the beautiful and stately Municipal Opera House in Oran – a misunderstanding – an understanding in the wings just before opening chorus.
Drinks at “Coq d’or” – dinner at the “Auberge” – a ring and promise given. The show 1st Armoured – muscatel, scotch, wine – someone who had to be carried from the truck and put to bed in his tent. A night of pouring rain and two very soaked GIs beneath a solitary tree on an African plain. A borrowed French convertible – a warm sulphur spring, the cool Mediterranean, and a picnic of “rations” and hot cokes. Two lieutenants who were smart enough to know the score, but not smart enough to realize that we wanted to be alone. A screwball piano player – competition – miserable days and lonely nights. The cold, windy night we crawled through the window of a GI theatre and fell asleep on a cot backstage, locked in each other’s arms – the shock when we awoke and realized that miraculously we hadn’t been discovered. A fast drive to a cliff above the sea – pictures taken, and a stop amid the purple grapes and cool leaves of a vineyard.
The happiness when told we were going home – and the misery when we learned that we would not be going together. Fond goodbyes on a secluded beach beneath the star-studded velvet of an African night, and the tears that would not be stopped as I stood atop the sea-wall and watched your convoy disappear over the horizon.
We vowed we’d be together again “back home,” but fate knew better – you never got there. And so, Dave, I hope that whereever you are these memories are as precious to you as they are to me.
Goodnight, sleep well my love.
Zimbabwe court frees 2 gay group employees
By The Associated Press, 365gay.com
(Harare, Zimbabwe) A Zimbabwe court Thursday freed two employees of a gay organization after six days in jail on allegations of possessing indecent material and displaying a placard seen as insulting to President Robert Mugabe, an outspoken critic of homosexuality.
The Gays and Lesbians of Zimbabwe (GALZ) organization said Thursday that the two employees were assaulted by police while in custody.
Defense attorney David Hofisi said the two were also made to bend their knees into a sitting position with their arms outstretched for long periods and were struck with bottles when they weakened and fell.
Magistrate Munamate Mutevedzi on Thursday released the two on bail of $200 each until a trial set for June 10, where they will face penalties of imprisonment or a fine. Homosexuality is illegal in Zimbabwe and most African countries.
Police allege the two employees possessed photographs of gay sex and posted a letter in their office from former San Francisco Mayor Willie Lewis Brown criticizing the Zimbabwean president’s opposition to homosexuality.
The organization identified them as Ellen Chadehama, 34, and Ignatius Mhambi, 38 and said both were married with children.
They were arrested on Friday on allegations under censorship laws and sweeping security laws making it an offense “to undermine the authority of the president.”
The U.S. former mayor’s letter also commended the local organization as a champion of gay rights.
State prosecutors asked the court to deny bail.
Mutevedzi said provisions of Zimbabwe law on both allegations did not take into account the sexuality of suspected offenders. “The generality of Zimbabweans pictures of a man and a man having sex would easily be regarded as morally reprehensible,” he said.
Mugabe, 86, has described same-sex partners as “lower than dogs and pigs” but arrests of gays are rare in Zimbabwe.
Mugabe had been in power for three decades since Zimbabwe gained independence from Britain. Last year, he entered a power-sharing coalition government with his longtime rival Morgan Tsvangirai following a disputed 2008 election. However, the fragile partnership has been fraught with disagreements, including allegations that Mugabe’s party has not done enough to promote democratic and human rights reforms.
Mugabe has vowed not to allow gay rights to be written into a new constitution being drafted by the coalition.
Last week in the southeast African nation of Malawi, a judge sentenced a gay couple to a maximum 14 years in prison with hard labor after the men celebrated their engagement with a party at a hotel.
In Uganda, lawmakers are considering a bill under which homosexuals could be sentenced to life in prison and “repeat offenders” could be executed. Ugandan church groups have accused Western countries of exporting homosexuality to Africa under the guise of human rights. Even in South Africa, the only African country that recognizes gay rights, gangs have raped lesbians.
In 7 countries, homosexuality = The death penalty
By WTF, current.com
93 nations in the world still legally punish homosexuality. In 7 of these - Iran, Saudi Arabia, Yemen, United Arab Emirates, Sudan, Nigeria, Mauritania - gays and lesbians are punished with the death penalty.
Is this the Twenty-First Century or the Dark Ages? Sometimes I really can't tell.
La Press en Rose ©, 2009, The Wizard of 'OZ'
Google Solar Array
Mountain View, California
Today, Google employs 20,223 people around the world, receiving a resume every 25 seconds from eager job-seekers, hiring an average of nine new employees a day.
A full-size replica of Virgin Atlantic 's Spaceship One (space tourist vehicle) hangs in the reception area.
To work off the pounds, and the stress . . .
Google has its own state-of-the-art gym . . . offering weight-training and a host of exercise machines, rowing machines, lockers and shower rooms, and two swim-in-place wave pools.
Other perks include free haircuts, dry cleaning and laundry, child care, car services, chiropractors and five onsite doctors available for employee check-ups; all free of charge.
Perhaps the most unusual bonus of all... employees can bring their dogs to work with them and keep the four-legged canine in their offices.
We already know that working for Google has certain advantages, but, believe me, this giant of a search engine takes the welfare of its employees seriously as shown by this decompression (stress) capsule that is impermeable to sound and light....
Moving around the complex:
A slide allows quick access from different floors...
There are also poles available....they are similar to the ones used in fire stations.
Employees can eat all they want for free from a vast choice of food and drink, whipped up by in-house chefs.
Typical Google Lunch
Each employee has at least two large screens.
There are 4-6 'Zooglers' per office.
Large boards are available just about everywhere because 'ideas don't always come when seated in the office'says one of Google's managers.
Pool tables, video games, etc. are available in many areas.
On each floor, there are private cabin areas where employees attend to personal affairs.
Having trouble with your computer? No problem...
Bring it to this area where drinks are available while it is being fixed...
Professional massage therapists are available.
View relaxing aquariums on massage chairs that you control ...
There are many books in this library...even some about programming!
I would LOVE time out in this room!!