Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
It's hard to believe certain people survive to adulthood, let alone get promoted above me, the lowly office boy!!!
I saw a coworker today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.
Over in the copy room I heard this conversation:
1st Person "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."
And, passing by the boss's office I hear him on the phone to tech support:
Tech Support "What does the screen say now.."
Boss "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support "Well?"
Boss "How do I know when it's ready?"
And he earns $150,000 a year.
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift.
One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him.
With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386."
He started to type it and paused, asking me "Where's the key for that line thing?"
I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark."
I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
And, one addition from a friend: She's been doing temp work at various offices.
At one place she became the resident expert on the photocopy machine. One day there was a big backup. She went over to help and found that no one knew how to stop the copier from "punching" three holes down the side of each copy.
She opened the paper tray, removed the three-hole paper and solved the problem.
Producing art about his life and the lives of those around him is as natural to Walker as his first childhood drawings. As a gay man, Walker is acutely aware that he is living during a period of history that is both the best of times and the worst of times. There is more freedom and acceptance for gay men and women, while at the same time AIDS has devastated the gay population.
But Walker's paintings are not about gay people or homosexuality. He describes his art as being about love, hate, pain, joy, touch, communication, beauty, loneliness, attraction, hope, despair, life and death. His art includes universal themes regardless of race, gender, socio-economic class, culture or sexual orientation. However, his work is unique because he conveys these themes through the subjects in his paintings, young gay men. "Remove the gender of the painting's subjects and what we have is human relationships in general, and one's relationship to the world itself," he said. "As a homosexual I have been moved, educated, and inspired by works that deal with a heterosexual context. Why would I assume that a heterosexual would be incapable of appreciating work that speaks to common themes in life, as seen through my eyes as a gay man. If the heterosexual population is unable to do this, then the loss is theirs, not mine."
If Walker were an abstract painter or a landscape artist, he says his sexual orientation wouldn't matter. But since his paintings are about gay life, his sexual orientation becomes more important than his cultural background, age, or nationality.
The focus of his paintings often depict sadness and loneliness to reflect the reality that much of anyone's life is sad and lonely. Walker often portrays people in relationships as separate entities because that is the way he views them. He also uses a small and consistent palette of colours because he is comfortable with them and the colours provide the desired results. "Colour is very powerful and a little can go a long way if used effectively," he said. "Some colours are very exciting to me, while others are quite offensive. Painting flesh is very exciting because of the huge variations possible within a very small colour range."
Walker's artworks are very large, always measuring 36" by 48". He creates large paintings because he believes that a large image is more appealing than a smaller one. "Whether it's a television screen, cinema screen, or an image in a magazine, the size of the image connotes a degree of importance," he said. Walker said belonging to an oppressed minority group has been a driving force in creating his art. "Any minority wants and needs to find artistic voices that reflect their own personal situations, and, in doing so, validate and record their lives and cultures for themselves, and for the larger world," he said.
Walker said he experiences many small rewards during the creative process. "After hours of painting, I stand back and look at something that wasn't there before -- a hand, face, or piece of fabric will exist where there was once a blank canvas," he said.
As an artist, Walker said it's exciting to be working at a point in history where there is an audience ready to appreciate and consume his creations. "It is very rare to find success as an artist in your lifetime," he said. "My work will be around long after me, but seeing it affect people at the time that I am creating it is very rewarding."
In recent years Steve Walker's work has been exhibited in galleries in Toronto, Montreal, New York, Philadelphia and Key West.
The gay community of North America has responded very positively to Walker's art. "I am very aware of the appreciation from a group of people who recognize the time, energy and talent devoted to a body of work that speaks specifically to them but at the same time exists in the larger world that we all live in," he said.
¹ ho·mo·e·rot·ic ( hō ' mō-ĭ-rŏt ' ĭk ) adj. Of or concerning homosexual love and
desire. Tending to arouse such desire.
By Alan Duke, CNN
LOS ANGELES, California (CNN) -- Pop singer Ricky Martin declared publicly this week what he avoided discussing for years: He is gay.
"I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man," Martin wrote on his official Web site. "I am very blessed to be who I am."
A decade ago, when ABC's Barbara Walters pressed Martin to address rumors about his sexuality, he declined to confirm or deny them. "I just don't feel like it," Martin said.
Now, Martin wrote, "these years in silence and reflection made me stronger and reminded me that acceptance has to come from within and that this kind of truth gives me the power to conquer emotions I didn't even know existed."
The 39-year-old Puerto Rican native started off with the Latin boy band Menudo before launching his solo career in 1991.
His song "Livin' La Vida Loca" rose to the top of the music charts in 1999 and propelled Martin to stardom.
Martin said he decided years ago to not share "my entire truth" with the world because people he loved warned him that "everything you've built will collapse."
"Allowing myself to be seduced by fear and insecurity became a self-fulfilling prophecy of sabotage," he wrote. "Today I take full responsibility for my decisions and my actions."
The decision to come out was initiated a few months ago, when he began writing his memoirs, he said. "I got very close to my truth," he wrote.
"From the moment I wrote the first phrase I was sure the book was the tool that was going to help me free myself from things I was carrying within me for a long time," he wrote. "Things that were too heavy for me to keep inside."
Martin said that disclosing his secret is important because of his two sons, born via surrogate.
"To keep living as I did up until today would be to indirectly diminish the glow that my kids were born with," he wrote.
"Enough is enough. This has to change. This was not supposed to happen five or 10 years ago, it is supposed to happen now. Today is my day, this is my time, and this is my moment."
Writing the seven paragraphs, he said, "is a solid step towards my inner peace and vital part of my evolution."
"What will happen from now on? It doesn't matter. I can only focus on what's happening to me in this moment."
These 25 tips will get you through any situation, or at least they'll keep you giggling as you try to cope...
1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
17. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
18. One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
19. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
20. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
21. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
23. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
24. Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
25. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a 'do-it-yourself' thing.
to draw a picture on the board
James returned to his seat
the teacher called on Ernie next
Ernie returned to his seat
Now it was Suzy's turn
Suzy returned to her seat
Next, the teacher called Jerry to the board
Jerry returned to his seat
Kim was called to the board
Kim returned to her seat
About this time little Johnny began
waving his arm hysterically.
Little Johnny was well known for
being dirty-minded, so the
teacher was reluctant to
call on him for anything.
But as the teacher looked
at the picture on the chalkboard,
she thought that there was no
way that little Johnny could
possibly do anything to make
this picture dirty.
So she called on little Johnny, and he ran to the chalkboard...
Little Johnny had done it again!
Monday, March 29, 2010
WHY MEN WEAR EARRINGS
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
A NEW WINE FOR SENIORS
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as Pino More.
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats.
"It worked. The front of the church fills first." The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest, "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru Confessional."
"But Father," protested the young priest.
My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!" "I know son," replied the old man. "But that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell", can't stay on the church roof."
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Today, upon a bus, I saw a girl with golden hair
I looked at her and sighed and wished I was as fair.
When suddenly she rose to leave,
I saw her hobble down the aisle.
She had one leg and used a crutch
But as she passed, she passed a smile.
Oh forgive me when I whine
I have 2 legs, the world is mine.
I stopped to buy some candy
The lad who sold it had such charm
I talked with him a while, he seemed so very glad
If I were late, it'd do no harm.
And as I left, he said to me,
"I thank you, you've been so kind.
It's nice to talk with folks like you.
You see," he said, "I'm blind."
Oh forgive me when I whine.
I have 2 eyes, the world is mine.
Later while walking down the street,
I saw a child with eyes of blue
He stood and watched the others play
He did not know what to do.
I stopped a moment and then I said,
"Why don't you join the others, dear?"
He looked ahead without a word.
And then I knew, he couldn't hear.
Oh forgive me when I whine.
I have 2 ears, the world is mine.
With feet to take me where I'd go.
With eyes to see the sunset's glow.
With ears to hear what I would know.
Oh forgive me when I whine.
I've been so fortunate indeed, The world is mine.
Sorrow looks back,
Worry looks around,
Optimism looks up.
Have a great day!
Appreciate what you have!
CROWN POINT, INDIANA - police have reopened a case of a man who died from 32 hammer blows to his head. The cause of death had been ruled a suicide. The County coroner's opinion stated that a man simply could not remain conscious long enough to hit himself in the head 32 times. (Wizard's note - gee ya think?)
PALM SPRINGS, CALIFORNIA - When Jesus returns he'll have more than enough mad money for a new Ferrari or nice place to call home. That's because Ernest Digweed, who died sixteen years ago, left his entire estate to Jesus Christ, the Jesus Christ. The State Trustee Office was instructed to invest his money in government bonds, guaranteeing Jesus a total yield of $615,820 by the end of the century. Digweed's heirs are contesting the will, and have offered an unusual solution: an insurance policy in the same amount payable to Jesus upon his return. Since then, another problem has cropped up. Two individuals, each claiming to be Jesus have filed claims for the money...
UTICA, NY - Dayle Nisi was hospitalized after going skinny dipping at a nearby lake. In a fresh water version of Jaws, a giant snapping turtle used part of Nisi's anatomy as a meal. Nasi later stated, "I felt this excruciating pain in my groin and when I got my bearings, I realized a turtle had bitten my testicles and swam away with them. It's not a nice feeling, I'll tell you that." (future Darwin award hopeful)
VASSAR COLLEGE - A male student slipped a date rape drug into his girl's drink and mistakenly drank from the spiked drink himself. When the girl realized what had happened, she took him back to her room and sodomized him with a "strap-on utensil". Later, the male student dropped charges against his one time girlfriend after consulting with his lawyer.
MADRID, SPAIN - It was an embarrassing ordeal as one man's desire for safe sex got him stuck for four hours. After a long night on the town with his girlfriend, a 23-year old man put some coins into a condom machine outside a pharmacy. When nothing came out, the man pounded impatiently on the machine then stuck his hand in the opening to try to pull the condom package out. Two of his fingers became caught inside. For the next few hours he was the brunt of humiliating comments from passers-by while he and his girlfriend tried unsuccessfully to pry his hand loose.
AMSTERDAM - Two intoxicated men were fined $480 for urinating on passengers and airplane seats while aboard separate flights to Amsterdam.
PADERBORN, GERMANY - Peter Howeler has been dubbed the "Bungling Bank Robber" after screwing up a bank robbery and then some. The stupid criminal, In his attempt to hide his gun from the guard on duty, he shoved the firearm into his back pocket, and discharged it into his left buttock. After being rushed to a local hospital, he was later charged with attempted robbery.
CANCUN, MEXICO - Rita Garcia, jealous over her estranged husband Pedro's way with the women, broke into her his apartment and located his unused condoms in a drawer. She carefully opened a condom and peppered chili powder in one, resealed it perfectly and then waited for the results. After a moment of passion with his 19-year-old girlfriend Pedro was rushed to the hospital with his manhood on "fire". Rita, upon her being charged with second degree assault said, "He wanted hot sex with that 19-year-old and he get it."
NEW ORLEANS - The head of the New Orleans police force has decided that two officers found guilty of receiving medals for a lifesaving rescue will be suspended. In February, the officers reported that they saved a woman from drowning in her car after it overturned into a canal last August. Four residents said they, rather than the officers, rescued the young woman, and witnesses said police officers did not arrive at the scene until after the victim had been pulled out of the canal and revived.
MANASSAS, VIRGINIA - Wayne Snider planned a heist down to the last detail. The plan was to hold up an armored car as it made its pickup at a local bowling alley. Right on schedule, Snider rushed up to the driver, flashed a gun at him and screamed, "Give it up!" The startled driver looked around inside the vehicle and finally handed the stupid criminal a large sack. It took Snider several minutes but eventually he realized a terrible mistake had been made. Instead of holding up the armored car he had robbed a laundry truck. The sack contained a bunch of dirty mop heads.
MIAMI BEACH, FL - Police are looking for a "butcher" with no medical training who, while posing as a plastic surgeon, mutilated at least three people, including a former male champion bodybuilder who received women's breasts instead of pectoral implants. The imposter, Reinaldo Silvestre, and two accomplices used an animal tranquilizer in botched operations including the one preformed on bodybuilder, Mr. Mexico of 1975. The case came to light last month when a videotape was brought to police showing the surgery on the bodybuilder. Miami Beach police Capt. Charles Press spoke about the videotape "... it was obscene. I've been [a police officer] for almost 25 years, and I was repulsed. The guy kept waking up. They told him to lie down and not worry about it. He was in obvious pain." The videotape showed that Silvestre used an instrument that resembled a spatula during the surgery. It also showed him jamming the implants into the man's chest with his fingers.
LA CROSSE, WISCONSIN - Police arrested a suspect who accosted a woman near an automatic teller machine with a knife. The stupid criminal told police that he wasn't trying to rob her-- he only wanted to sell her the knife....
FAYETTEVILLE, ARK - A football fan with a cellular phone in his pocket equipped with one-touch buttons called the 911 emergency number 35 times by standing up and sitting down while cheering. Police eventually traced it to Razorback Stadium where the man was held for questioning and scolded..
Roy Sullivan, the forest ranger who enjoys the record for being struck by lightning five times, is still at it. He now has two more strikes to his credit. Actually, he was hit again on the shoulder, and the seventh and latest hit set his hair on fire for a record third time, and singed his clothing. "Some people are allergic to flowers", says Sullivan. "I'm allergic to lightning." (Future Darwin award hopeful)
MARSHFIELD, WISCONSIN - A man will spend 20 days in jail for urinating on an ATM machine. Apparently James Turley became frustrated when the machine wouldn't give him any money and proceeded to pee all over the machine. Unfortunately, for Turley, a security camera recorded the whole thing in living color. A judge placed him on probation for three years and ordered him not to carry an ATM card.
LEEDS, ENGLAND - Colin Wilson burst into a fast food restaurant at closing time brandishing a wooden table leg as a weapon and demanding money. The restaurant manager, who was standing near the deep fryer, simply reached over and yanked the fry basket out of the hot grease and whacked Wilson across the face with it. The stupid criminal beat a hasty retreat toward the door. He was arrested a short time later after a nearby hospital tipped police that they had a patient with an outline of a French fry basket burned into his forehead. (Future Darwin award hopeful)
THE CAYMAN ISLANDS - Jason Randall dialed what he thought was the number of his drug dealer to buy some cocaine. Unfortunately he dialed the wrong number, and reached the deputy chief of the police department's drug task force, who decided to play along and set up a meeting to make the deal. Randall showed up and was promptly arrested.
ANOKA, MINN - Jan Steffen, 33, a hair stylist got five years in prison for trying to hire a hit man to kill her husband after she allegedly botched two attempts herself. During one of the attempts, Steffen used an exotic method of asphyxiation she saw on TV's "Matock."
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Did you hear the one about the cruel manicurist who married the mean dentist?
They fought tooth and nail.
Malcolm: What sight do you remember most vividly from your trip to Alaska?
Maurice: I was startled to see an Eskimo playing ice hockey with a polar bear!
Malcolm: That’s amazing!
Maurice: Not really. It turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
Barry me not on the lone prairie
History teacher: Little Joey, go to the map and find North America.
Little Joey: Here it is.
History teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: Little Joey!
Just the facts
A baby is an addition that becomes a deduction.
Not found in Webster's
autobiography: A work of fiction in which the author is the hero.
Bartender: So you had another argument with your wife?
Monty: Yes, but I got in the last words!
Bartender: Way to go! What did you say?
Monty: “You’re right, I’m sorry.”
Pam: Wasn’t your uncle an American ambassador for thirty years?
Sam: Yes, and after he retired, he traveled around the world visiting all the friends he’d made.
Pam: Wow! How long did that take?
Sam: He was back the next morning.
Omar: How did you like visiting your girlfriend’s family?
Chester: Great! Her brothers were particularly friendly.
Omar: Why do you say that?
Chester: Because every time we went out, they all volunteered to carry my wallet.