A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer,entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple.
This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Saskatoon and I worked both sides of the river."
Monday, May 31, 2010
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
Then he asked, "Which of your species would like to urinate standing up?"
Well, the males went crazy, shouting that they wanted to pee standing up.
"Fine", says God, "Women get multiple orgasms."
Sunday, May 30, 2010
The Value of Reason
"The only sovereign you can allow to rule you is reason. Misery, iniquity, and utter destruction lurk in the shadows outside its full light, where half-truths snare the faithful disciples, the deeply feeling believers, the selfless followers. Faith and feelings are the warm marrow of evil. Unlike reason, faith and feelings provide no boundary to limit any delusion, any whim. They are a virulent poison, giving the numbing illusion of moral sanction to every depravity ever hatched. Faith and feelings are the darkness to reason's light. Reason is the very substance of truth itself. The glory that is life is wholly embraced through reason. In rejecting reason, one embraces death."
Be an active listener
The best tip anyone could give is to follow the golden rule. If you do something to someone that does not feel right, it probably wasn't. I don't think there are a lot of bad people, but I do feel that people today do not take the time to get in the habit of following the rule. This leads to many different problems that become bad habits. Just get in the habit of following the golden rule and you will find that issues you had before are not so bad now.
Man has responsibility; not power.
Avoid excessive idling
Shut off engine while waiting for friends and family. Today's vehicles are designed to "warm up" fast, so forget about those long warm-ups on cold winter mornings.
Don't just sell your product, use it!
A market is never saturated with a good product, but it is very quickly saturated with a bad one.
Find something that you enjoy doing so much that you'd do it for nothing, and pretty soon you'll be paid more than you can spend.
How many times, as a manager, have you said to your staff, "We have to try harder!" Could we be trying too hard? If you try too hard for something it may lead to the following problems: working harder instead of smarter, unimaginative problem solving, unrealistic goals, self-defeating attitude, and being too critical on yourself. Sometimes trying too hard back fires, because of the unwanted stress created by the above terminology of trying harder. Instead of trying harder, next time try on working smarter.
At the end of a business trip, Maurice was driving through a small town when he decided to stop and watch a Little League game at a local park. In the fifth inning, Maurice was surprised to see the manager bring in a cocker spaniel for an inning of relief. The dog struck out the side. “That’s incredible!” Maurice exclaimed to the man next to him. “His owners must be so proud of him!” “Not particularly,” said the spectator. “He’s an effective middle reliever, but every time he starts or finishes a game, he gets bombed.”
One day three female astronauts—a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde—had a few drinks in a bar to celebrate their accomplishments. The brunette said, “We should be proud that we were the first female astronauts to land on the moon.” The redhead said, “And we should be proud that we were the first astronauts to walk on Mars.” The blonde added, “And we should be proud that someday we’ll be the first astronauts to fly to the sun.” “Don’t be ridiculous,” said the brunette. ”If we got within a 100-mile radius of the sun, we would burn up and die!” The blonde replied, “That’s why we’ll go at night, after the sun goes down.”
Herb: I’ll have you know that Junior could recite the Gettysburg Address at the age of twenty-two!
Max: What’s so great about that?
Herb: Well, Abraham Lincoln didn’t recite it until he was fifty-four!
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two dumb truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12 feet, 4 inches tall. “What do you think?” one asked the other. The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. “Not a cop in sight. Let’s do it!”
Top Ten Things I Can Say Now That I Lost "American Idol"
10. "If I had won, I was gonna blow the prize money on candy and fireworks"
9. "Honestly, I thought I was auditioning for 'The Apprentice'"
8. "Ryan Seacrest isn't as smart as he seems on TV"
7. "If you want to see me 'perform,' I'll be working the noon-to-8 shift at Old Navy tomorrow"
6. "George W. Bush didn't win the popular vote either, and he's done pretty well for himself"
5. "Underneath that table, Randy Jackson doesn't wear pants"
4. "Until 10 minutes ago, I had no idea who Dave Letterman was"
3. "I could take down Clay Aiken with one arm in a sling"
2. "I handled my loss well -- I gathered my belongings, said my goodbyes and keyed the crap out of Simon's car"
1. "I have one thing to say to the voters: What in the hell is wrong with you people?"
YOU MAY NEED A NEW PSYCHIC IF...
* He keeps shaking black crystal ball and says, "Ask again later."
* Every time you draw the Death card, she yells "Go Fish!"
* Looks suspiciously like that guy who fixed your muffler last week.
* His idea of an "out of body experience" involves whipped cream and women's clothing.
* His spoon bending requires two pliers.
* Sign in window: "As Seen on '60 Minutes."
* During card-reading, asks if you want to "hit" or "stand."
* Insists that your astrological sign is "The Armadillo."
* Psychics Magazine rates her just below fortune cookies, just above your mom.
* Repeatedly attempts to read your palm with his genitalia.
* Shakes her crystal ball, then predicts a large snowstorm.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
A new supermarket opened in Saskatoon.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brats.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
The final letter: A love letter from a gay WWII GI
By 365gay Newswire Newswire
“Stories from the Frontlines: Letters to President Barack Obama” was launched to underscore the urgent need for congressional action and presidential leadership in the fight to repeal “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT). With the House and Senate votes, we’re bringing the series to a close – for now. Even with the recent votes, it is important for all gay and lesbian, active-duty service members, including the reserves and the national guard, to know they’re at risk. They must continue to serve in silence under the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ law that remains on the books. Congress and the Pentagon need to stay on track to get repeal finalized, hopefully no later than first quarter 2011.
The final letter in this series was written by a World War II soldier to another on the occasion of their anniversary.
It is a love letter.
May 28, 2010
President Barack H. Obama
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Northwest
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Mr. President,
For the past month, we have sent you personal letters from those harmed by “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” With the votes in the House and the Senate Armed Services Committee, we are bringing our series to a close. The final letter we are sharing with you was written by a World War II soldier to another service member. It is a love letter penned on the occasion of their anniversary.
The letter, which follows below, was published in September 1961 by ONE Magazine – an early gay magazine based out of Los Angeles. In 2000, Bob Connelly, an adjunct professor of LGBT studies at American University, found a copy of the letter in the Library of Congress. He brought the letter to the attention of Servicemembers Legal Defense Network last month.
We sincerely thank Mr. Connelly for his research and the ONE National Gay & Lesbian Archives for granting permission for the letter to be republished.
Please accept this letter on the behalf of all lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender service members on active-duty, in the reserve and in the National Guard; those who have been discharged; and those who didn’t enlist because of the discriminatory law now being dismantled.
With great respect,
Former Specialist 4th Class Aubrey Sarvis
United States Army
The letter as published by ONE Magazine:
This is in memory of an anniversary – the anniversary of October 27th, 1943, when I first heard you singing in North Africa. That song brings memories of the happiest times I’ve ever known. Memories of a GI show troop – curtains made from barrage balloons – spotlights made from cocoa cans – rehearsals that ran late into the evenings – and a handsome boy with a wonderful tenor voice. Opening night at a theatre in Canastel – perhaps a bit too much muscatel, and someone who understood. Exciting days playing in the beautiful and stately Municipal Opera House in Oran – a misunderstanding – an understanding in the wings just before opening chorus.
Drinks at “Coq d’or” – dinner at the “Auberge” – a ring and promise given. The show 1st Armoured – muscatel, scotch, wine – someone who had to be carried from the truck and put to bed in his tent. A night of pouring rain and two very soaked GIs beneath a solitary tree on an African plain. A borrowed French convertible – a warm sulphur spring, the cool Mediterranean, and a picnic of “rations” and hot cokes. Two lieutenants who were smart enough to know the score, but not smart enough to realize that we wanted to be alone. A screwball piano player – competition – miserable days and lonely nights. The cold, windy night we crawled through the window of a GI theatre and fell asleep on a cot backstage, locked in each other’s arms – the shock when we awoke and realized that miraculously we hadn’t been discovered. A fast drive to a cliff above the sea – pictures taken, and a stop amid the purple grapes and cool leaves of a vineyard.
The happiness when told we were going home – and the misery when we learned that we would not be going together. Fond goodbyes on a secluded beach beneath the star-studded velvet of an African night, and the tears that would not be stopped as I stood atop the sea-wall and watched your convoy disappear over the horizon.
We vowed we’d be together again “back home,” but fate knew better – you never got there. And so, Dave, I hope that whereever you are these memories are as precious to you as they are to me.
Goodnight, sleep well my love.
Zimbabwe court frees 2 gay group employees
By The Associated Press, 365gay.com
(Harare, Zimbabwe) A Zimbabwe court Thursday freed two employees of a gay organization after six days in jail on allegations of possessing indecent material and displaying a placard seen as insulting to President Robert Mugabe, an outspoken critic of homosexuality.
The Gays and Lesbians of Zimbabwe (GALZ) organization said Thursday that the two employees were assaulted by police while in custody.
Defense attorney David Hofisi said the two were also made to bend their knees into a sitting position with their arms outstretched for long periods and were struck with bottles when they weakened and fell.
Magistrate Munamate Mutevedzi on Thursday released the two on bail of $200 each until a trial set for June 10, where they will face penalties of imprisonment or a fine. Homosexuality is illegal in Zimbabwe and most African countries.
Police allege the two employees possessed photographs of gay sex and posted a letter in their office from former San Francisco Mayor Willie Lewis Brown criticizing the Zimbabwean president’s opposition to homosexuality.
The organization identified them as Ellen Chadehama, 34, and Ignatius Mhambi, 38 and said both were married with children.
They were arrested on Friday on allegations under censorship laws and sweeping security laws making it an offense “to undermine the authority of the president.”
The U.S. former mayor’s letter also commended the local organization as a champion of gay rights.
State prosecutors asked the court to deny bail.
Mutevedzi said provisions of Zimbabwe law on both allegations did not take into account the sexuality of suspected offenders. “The generality of Zimbabweans pictures of a man and a man having sex would easily be regarded as morally reprehensible,” he said.
Mugabe, 86, has described same-sex partners as “lower than dogs and pigs” but arrests of gays are rare in Zimbabwe.
Mugabe had been in power for three decades since Zimbabwe gained independence from Britain. Last year, he entered a power-sharing coalition government with his longtime rival Morgan Tsvangirai following a disputed 2008 election. However, the fragile partnership has been fraught with disagreements, including allegations that Mugabe’s party has not done enough to promote democratic and human rights reforms.
Mugabe has vowed not to allow gay rights to be written into a new constitution being drafted by the coalition.
Last week in the southeast African nation of Malawi, a judge sentenced a gay couple to a maximum 14 years in prison with hard labor after the men celebrated their engagement with a party at a hotel.
In Uganda, lawmakers are considering a bill under which homosexuals could be sentenced to life in prison and “repeat offenders” could be executed. Ugandan church groups have accused Western countries of exporting homosexuality to Africa under the guise of human rights. Even in South Africa, the only African country that recognizes gay rights, gangs have raped lesbians.
In 7 countries, homosexuality = The death penalty
By WTF, current.com
93 nations in the world still legally punish homosexuality. In 7 of these - Iran, Saudi Arabia, Yemen, United Arab Emirates, Sudan, Nigeria, Mauritania - gays and lesbians are punished with the death penalty.
Is this the Twenty-First Century or the Dark Ages? Sometimes I really can't tell.
La Press en Rose ©, 2009, The Wizard of 'OZ'
Friday, May 28, 2010
Dr Says I Have to Quit!
Today I was getting an examination and the doctor said that I'm going to have to quit masturbating :(
I asked why and he said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
PUNCTUATION. ......... ..
An English professor wrote the words:
"A woman without her man is nothing"
on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."
All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."
Punctuation is powerful
DIFF'RENT STROKES' GARY COLEMAN DIES AFTER INTRACRANIAL HEMORRHAGE
Los Angeles - Former child actor Gary Coleman, known to millions as the star of hit sitcom "Diff'rent Strokes," died in hospital on Friday after suffering a brain hemorrhage, CNN reported Friday.
Coleman, 42, was hospitalized at the Utah Valley Regional Medical Center on Wednesday after suffering a head injury following a fall at his home near Provo, according to U.S. media reports.
Celebrity Death Beeper
Sent from my CrackBerry® wireless device
Wishing for a new incarnation of your favorite show is like wishing for a hug from your dead grandmother. Sure, it's always a rare treat to visit beloved and departed characters, but their new versions just aren't going to feel (or smell) the same.
Still, if the recent trend of remakes and premakes (The Prisoner, Battlestar Galactica, Caprica) is any indication, we can't help but expect another foray into the universe of Lost somewhere down the line. With that in mind, here are 10 different pitches for the next hit TV show to take place in the Lost universe.
Listen up, network executives!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Take time to explore & enjoy ......
Another interesting site on this amazing Internet. Good for kids to learn geography too as it gives you the name of the country you are pointing at. Hey, maybe I shouldn't just limit that to kids!
Put the mouse on any country … you can see the number of people being born and dying, and amount of CO2 emitted in that country.
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 60 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10 This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
*Thanks, Bright Eyes
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
by Erez Zukerman (RSS feed)
I love freehand painting. While I have absolutely no talent, I love the freedom of working with paint or even crayons. It just feels nice, even if the result is nothing to write home about (in my case, at least).
If you're looking to replicate the same experience on a computer, there's always Corel Painter. But on the off chance that you don't have hundreds of dollars to spend just to doodle, MyPaint gives you a nice chunk of functionality for the even nicer price of... free.
The program comes with many brushes that are divided into several categories. The brushes seem to work quite well at default settings. In case you want to tweak something, though, hitting Ctrl+B shows the Brush Settings dialog, which has a mind-boggling array of parameters that you can change for the brush you've selected.
The interface is multi-windowed but is not as horrible as GIMP's (sorry, GIMP lovers). The color picker is quite advanced and features color-matching harmonies (which I completely failed to use in my creation shown above).
Right-clicking the canvas rotates between the last five colors selected, which is a very handy feature. The program also features a ton of single-stroke hotkeys for changing brush sizes, saving favorite brushes, and more. MyPaint even supports layers, and it is available for both Windows and Linux.
Bottom line: This is not a toy. Whether you are serious about painting software or just starting out MyPaint is a great option.
Guest Reviewer: Amy Biancolli, Hearst Movie Writer
Starring: Mike Myers ... Shrek (voice)
Eddie Murphy ... Donkey (voice)
Cameron Diaz ... Princess Fiona (voice)
Antonio Banderas ... Puss in Boots (voice)
Julie Andrews ... Queen (voice)
Jon Hamm ... Brogan (voice)
John Cleese ... King Harold (voice)
Craig Robinson ... Cookie (voice)
Walt Dohrn ... Rumpelstiltskin / Priest / Krekraw Ogre (voice)
Jane Lynch ... Gretched (voice)
Lake Bell ... Patrol Witch / Wagon Witch #2 (voice)
Kathy Griffin ... Dancing Witch / Wagon Witch #1 (voice)
Mary Kay Place ... Guard Witch (voice)
Kristen Schaal ... Pumpkin Witch / Palace Witch (voice)
Meredith Vieira ... Broomsy Witch (voice)
Synopsis: After challenging an evil dragon, rescuing a beautiful princess and saving your in-laws' kingdom, what's an ogre to do? Well, if you're Shrek, you suddenly wind up a domesticated family man. Instead of scaring villagers away like he used to, a reluctant Shrek now agrees to autograph pitch forks. What's happened to this ogre's roar? Longing for the days when he felt like a "real ogre," Shrek is duped into signing a pact with the smooth-talking dealmaker, Rumpelstiltskin. Shrek suddenly finds himself in a twisted, alternate version of Far Far Away, where ogres are hunted, Rumpelstiltskin is king and Shrek and Fiona have never met. Now, it's up to Shrek to undo all he's done in the hopes of saving his friends, restoring his world and reclaiming his one True Love.
Review: by Amy Biancolli, Hearst Movie Writer
Not so very long ago there lived a mighty ogre in a sour mood. He had every reason to be happy, having made a snug home for himself with his adoring ogress wife and their three cooing ogrettes.
Yet he felt dissatisfied. As sometimes happens with domesticated animated ogres, he had a midlife crisis and foolishly made a deal with a short, vindictive wizard known as Rumpelstiltskin, agreeing to swap one day from his infancy for one day of feeling like a monster again - shrieking, thudding around, watching the children scatter.
But in the land of milk and franchises, nothing ever goes according to plan. Especially not for Shrek (Mike Myers), he of the cushiony build and Scottish accent, whose rumbling return in the fourth and final film to bear his name - and the first in 3-D - takes him to much drearier places than he'd ever been before. "Shrek Forever After" wanders far away from the infectious and propulsive zing that we've come to expect the past nine years.
"Shrek Forever After" thrusts our hero into a gloomy-tunes alternate universe where Rumpelstiltskin is an ogre-oppressing despot and Fiona (Cameron Diaz) won't give Shrek the time of day. There isn't much sweetness and light in the resultant film, and not many belly laughs - although Shrek does meet up with alternate versions of his old friends Puss (now bootless and fat, but voiced with the usual grandiloquence by Antonio Banderas) and Donkey (still Eddie Murphy, still belting out mediocre pop songs).
This being DreamWorks, the computer animation is dynamic and imaginative, no less so for being cast in duskier hues. But the plot cuts closer to dystopian sci-fi than buoyant family cartoon, and Shrek is dragging around some awfully heavy psychological baggage for an ogre.
Rumpelstiltskin, on the other hand, is a joy to behold, a totalitarian psychoneurotic gnome for the ages. Voiced by Walt Dohrn like Jason Lee on helium, he sports the shoes of Aladdin and the head of an ignited road flare. Watching anyone on a quest for world domination is always a swell time at the multiplex, and this guy's no exception; unfortunately for Shrek, he eats the movie.
From the start, the "Shrek" films have had a deconstructive agenda: In mashing together bits of fables and spitting them out as humor, they've applied a self-aware and thoroughly modern irony to age-old folktales that plumb the human psyche's darkest urges. They're Grimm by definition. But this one is grimmer than usual.
-- Advisory: Mild action, some rude humor and brief language.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
1. Cathy has six pairs of black gloves and six pairs of brown gloves in her drawer. In complete darkness, how many gloves must she take from the drawer in order to be sure to get a pair that match? Think carefully!!
2. Mom, Dad, and 2 kids have come to a river, and they find a boat. It is small and can only carry one adult or 2 kids at a time. Both kids are good rowers, but how can the whole family reach the other side of the river?
3. Why can't you take a picture of a Indian woman with hair curlers?
4. What is the largest possible number you can write using only 2 digits - just 2 digits, nothing else?
5. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the tallest mountain in the world?
6. Because cigars cannot be entirely smoked, a hobo who collects cigar butts can make a cigar to smoke out of every 5 butts that he finds. Today, he has collected 25 cigar butts. How many cigars will he be able to smoke?
7. Jenn is facetious. She is also abstemious. She gets pneumonia. Given those clues, what is the only American tree she will like?
8. How many birth days does the average man have?
9. Someone at a party introduces you to your mother's only sister's husband's sister in law. He has no brothers. What do you call this lady?
10. Which weighs more, a pound of feathers or a pound of gold?
11. Two planes take off at the same exact moment. They are flying across the Atlantic. One leaves New York and is flying to Paris at 500 miles per hour. The other leaves Paris and is flying to New York at only 450 miles per hour ( because of a strong head wind ). Which one will be closer to Paris when they meet?
12. A carpenter was in a terrible hurry. He had to work as quickly as possible to cut a very heavy 10 foot plank into 10 equal sections. If it takes 1 minute per cut, how long will it take him to get the 10 equal pieces?
13. Why are 1898 silver dollars worth more than 1897 silver dollars?
14. What English word can have 4 of its 5 letters removed and still retain it's original pronunciation?
15. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?
16. In your sock drawer, you have a ratio of 5 pairs of blue socks, 4 pairs of brown socks, and 6 pairs of black socks. In complete darkness, how many socks would you need to pull out to get a matching pair of the same color?
17. How can a woman living in New Jersey, legally marry 3 men, without ever getting a divorce, be widowed, or becoming legally separated?
18. A woman goes into a hardware store to buy something for her house. When asked the price, the clerk replies, "the price of one is twelve cents, the price of forty-four is twenty-four cents, and the price a hundred and forty-four is thirty-six cents. What does the woman want to buy?
19. If there are 5 apples on the counter and you take away 2, how many do you have?
20. If, having only one match, on a freezing winter day, you entered a room which contained a lamp, a kerosene heater, and a wood burning stove, which should you light first.
Click here for the answers.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Episode numbers indicate the quote used when the episode was shown for the first time; in some cases, the one used in Canada is listed where it was "original" and the USA one was repeated
All quotes were originally in all capital letters, but any punctuation appears as it did in the original quotes
Quotes in red are done by Bart during the episode rather than at the beginning...
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Google directory assistancee service. If you dial 1-800-466-4411 from any telephone and follow the voice prompts (city, province or state and the name or type of business you are looking for), Google will give you a list and connect you if you wish to the one you choose, all by voice and all free.
It works particularly well for urban areas.
Try it you will like it!
Microsoft may tout Windows as your helpful computing companion, always keeping your best interests in mind, but that's not really true. Windows always keeps Microsoft's interests in mind. You'll find that out as soon as you call Microsoft for help with making Windows work right. They charge more than $50 per call.
Microsoft also uses Windows to plug its own products and services. For example, Internet Explorer's Favorites area, a place for you to add your favorite Web destinations, comes stuffed with Microsoft's Web sites.
Simply put, Windows not only controls your computer, but also serves as a huge Microsoft advertising vehicle. Treat the built-in advertising flyers as a salesperson's knock on your door.
From their website:
Wolfram|Alpha's long-term goal is to make all systematic knowledge immediately computable and accessible to everyone. We aim to collect and curate all objective data; implement every known model, method, and algorithm; and make it possible to compute whatever can be computed about anything. Our goal is to build on the achievements of science and other systematizations of knowledge to provide a single source that can be relied on by everyone for definitive answers to factual queries.
Wolfram|Alpha aims to bring expert-level knowledge and capabilities to the broadest possible range of people—spanning all professions and education levels. Our goal is to accept completely free-form input, and to serve as a knowledge engine that generates powerful results and presents them with maximum clarity.
Wolfram|Alpha is an ambitious, long-term intellectual endeavor that we intend will deliver increasing capabilities over the years and decades to come. With a world-class team and participation from top outside experts in countless fields, our goal is to create something that will stand as a major milestone of 21st century intellectual achievement.
That it should be possible to build Wolfram|Alpha as it exists today in the first decade of the 21st century was far from obvious. And yet there is much more to come.
As of now, Wolfram|Alpha contains 10+ trillion pieces of data, 50,000+ types of algorithms and models, and linguistic capabilities for 1000+ domains. Built with Mathematica—which is itself the result of more than 20 years of development at Wolfram Research—Wolfram|Alpha's core code base now exceeds 5 million lines of symbolic Mathematica code. Running on supercomputer-class compute clusters, Wolfram|Alpha makes extensive use of the latest generation of web and parallel computing technologies, including webMathematica and gridMathematica.
Wolfram|Alpha's knowledge base and capabilities already span a great many domains, and its underlying framework has the power and flexibility to support ready extension to essentially any domain that is based on systematic knowledge.
The universe of potentially computable knowledge is, however, almost endless, and in creating Wolfram|Alpha as it is today, we needed to start somewhere. Our approach so far has been to emphasize domains where computation has traditionally had a more significant role. As we have developed Wolfram|Alpha, we have in effect been systematically covering the content areas of reference libraries and handbooks. In going forward, we plan broader and deeper coverage, both of traditionally scientific, technical, economic, and otherwise quantitative knowledge, and of more everyday, popular, and cultural knowledge.
Wolfram|Alpha's ability to understand free-form input is based on algorithms that are informed by our analysis of linguistic usage in large volumes of material on the web and elsewhere. As the usage of Wolfram|Alpha grows, we will capture a whole new level of linguistic data, which will allow us to greatly enhance Wolfram|Alpha's linguistic capabilities.
Today's Wolfram|Alpha is just the beginning. We have ambitious plans, for data, for computation, for linguistics, for presentation, and more. As we go forward, we'll be discussing what we're doing on the Wolfram|Alpha Blog, and we encourage suggestions and participation, especially through the Wolfram|Alpha Community.
Wolfram|Alpha, as it exists today, is just the beginning. We have both short- and long-term plans to dramatically expand all aspects of Wolfram|Alpha, broadening and deepening our data, our computation, our linguistics, our presentation, and more.
Wolfram|Alpha is built on solid foundations. And as we go forward, we see more and more that can be made computable using the basic paradigms of Wolfram|Alpha—and a faster and faster path for development as we leverage the broad capabilities already in place.
Wolfram|Alpha was made possible in part by the achievements of Mathematica and A New Kind of Science (NKS). In their different ways, both of these point to far-reaching future opportunities for Wolfram|Alpha—whether a radically new kind of programming or the systematic automation of invention and discovery.
Wolfram|Alpha has been introduced first in the form of the wolframalpha.com website. But Wolfram|Alpha is really a technology and a platform that can be used and presented in many different ways—developer APIs, professional and corporate versions, custom versions for internal data, connections with other forms of content, and deployment on emerging mobile and other platforms.
History & Background
The quest to make knowledge computable has a long and distinguished history. Indeed, when computers were first imagined, it was almost taken for granted that they would eventually have the kinds of question-answering capabilities that we now begin to see in Wolfram|Alpha.
What has now made Wolfram|Alpha possible today is a somewhat unique set of circumstances—and the singular vision of Stephen Wolfram.
For the first time in history, we have computers that are powerful enough to support the capabilities of Wolfram|Alpha, and we have the web as a broad-based means of delivery. But this technology alone was not enough to make Wolfram|Alpha possible.
What was needed were also two developments that have been driven by Stephen Wolfram over the course of nearly 30 years.
Click below to try it out.. you will be amazed!
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Click Above Then choose 'Current Strip'.
The new comic, Troy #255 "Bliss" is out in the magazines and up online today. A few days early, I might add!
And you can find Michael's books and ebooks for sale at TROYTooner.
I just found this quite humourous...
Dear The Onion,
Thank you for your article 'Hot New Parenting Tips.' My son has already begun to behave much better after only two nights of me staring at him in his sleep while I wear a wolf mask.
— Mary Grill, Marble Falls, TX
Friday, May 21, 2010
Joan Armatrading - British Pop Singer
Stephen Gately - Singer - Boyzone
Montgomerey Clift - Actor
Ellen Degeneres - Actor
Hans Christian Anderson - Writer
Oscar Wilde - Writer
Leonardo Da Vinci - Artist
Michelangelo - Artist
Conchita Martinez - Tennis Player
Martina Navratilova - Tennis Player
Rock Hudson - Actor
Freddie Mercury - Singer/Musician
Elton John - Singer/Musician
Bob Paris - USA former Mr Universe
David Pichler - American Diver
Boy George - Singer
Michael Kirby - Australian High Court Judge
K.D. Lang - Singer
Melissa Etheridge - singer
George Michael - Singer
Greg Louganis - Olympic Diver
Chastity Bono - Daughter of Sonny and Cher
**Just because we are FABULOUS!
Let’s be honest. Ethics isn’t for wimps.
It’s not easy being a good person.
It’s not easy to be honest when it might be costly, to play fair when others cheat, or to keep inconvenient promises.
It’s not easy to stand up for our beliefs and still respect differing viewpoints.
It’s not easy to control powerful impulses, to be accountable for our attitudes and actions, to tackle unpleasant tasks, or to sacrifice the now for later.
It’s not easy to bear criticism and learn from it without getting angry, to take advice, or to admit error.
It’s not easy to feel genuine remorse and apologize sincerely or to accept apologies graciously and truly forgive.
It’s not easy to stop feeling like a victim, to resist cynicism, or to make the best of every situation.
It’s not easy to be consistently kind, to think of others first, to judge generously, or to give the benefit of the doubt.
It’s not easy to be grateful or to give without concern for reward or gratitude.
It’s not easy to fail and still keep trying, to learn from failure, to risk failing again, to start over, to lose with grace, or to be glad of another’s success.
It’s not easy to look at ourselves honestly and be accountable, to avoid excuses and rationalizations, or to resist temptations.
No, being a person of character isn’t easy. That’s why it’s such a lofty goal and an admirable achievement.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
*Thanks, Bright Eyes
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Video sharing website YouTube turned five on Monday. So the Wizard hit the streets again, asking, "What do you think?"
Juliet Morris, Naturalist
"Wow, it feels like just yesterday when I used to go outside."
Hank Rollins, Systems Analyst
"That reminds me, I'm in the mood to watch someone's balls get destroyed."
Ben Cadena, Gunsmith
"I'm flattered. You've obviously chosen to interview me because you recognize me from my YouTube video “Dancing In 100 Bathtubs.” No? Back in April? C'mon, man, that was on CNN for two seconds."
*American Voices, The Onion