Monday, March 31, 2008
1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.
CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians.
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
As part of the cutbacks for 2008/2009, the snow equipment budget had to be realigned. Here is a picture of our new model:
No one in the big cities were available for comment, so The Wizard left for Dog River to get an exclusive comment from cornerstone resident and big business owner, Brent Leroy.
"Yeah! I just read that in 'The Howler', eh?. It's just great! Before last year when we achieved official 'Town Status', (A whole bunch of Hollywood freaks came here to do some sort of nature film -- can you believe it? Here in Dog River, eh?! They just said to just keep on doing what we normally do, talk as if they weren't there. And they even paid us as 'extras'! I was able to buy a few more chili cheese dogs than before. That $10 sure came in handy! Who da thunk that they would be so intested in filming grass and such?)."
"Anyways, Woolerton [spits], doesn't need one of those new plows. They only have one street! Just make sure that they don't add some kind of food tax and force a cut in Lacey's budget at The Ruby... I need my Chili-Cheese Dogs!"
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6"in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.
I told you so ......And there's nothing you can do about it!
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747's. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote, "this is a stickup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write th! e note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK," and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the! robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. This guy definitely needs a sign!
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't need a sign; he probably figured it out himself.
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So, he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign.
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 AM, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. Sign please.
Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote. Scary, isn't it?
Sunday, March 30, 2008
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives but occasionally feel like taking a hammer to it, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
I love the next one!!!
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
I wonder if that is part of "Your Membership Benefits"???
"HMM...", I said as I returned the STAXX to the shelf in favour of the Pringles, coincidentally, priced at 2/$4.00.
Watch the tags man, when shopping at YOUR CO-OP.
Big Ben in England has the largest clock face in all of Europe.
1. Describe your problem:
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
4. Problem Severity:
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
6. Is your computer plugged in?
7. Is it turned on?
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself?
9. Have you made it worse?
10. Have you read the manual?
11. Are you sure you've read the manual?
12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual?
13. Do you think you understood it?
14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself? __________________________________________
15. How tall are you? Are you above this line?
16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
17. If "nothing" explain why you were logged in.
18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem?
19. How does this problem make you feel?
20. Tell me about your childhood.
21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?
22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me?
Thank you for taking the time to fill out our Computer Problems Form. Please allow 1-week response time so that the problem will resolve its self or you will reboot your computer, most likely resolving the issue.
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.
Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Created to take a stand against the greatest threat our planet has ever faced, Earth Hour uses the simple action of turning off the lights for one hour to deliver a powerful message about the need for action on global warming.
About Earth Hour: On March 31 2007, for one hour, Sydney made a powerful statement about the greatest contributor to global warming – coal-fired electricity – by turning off its lights. Over 2.2 million Sydney residents and over 2,100 businesses switched off, leading to a 10.2% energy reduction across the city. What began as one city taking a stand against global warming caught the attention of the world.
In 2008, 24 global cities will participate in Earth Hour at 8pm on March 29. Earth Hour is the highlight of a major campaign to encourage businesses, communities and individuals to take the simple steps needed to cut their emissions on an ongoing basis. It is about simple changes that will collectively make a difference – from businesses turning off their lights when their offices are empty, to households turning off appliances rather than leaving them on standby.
The Wizard has committed to taking part in Earth Hour 2008. Like me, you can add your name to the Earth Hour movement here, on my site. Once registered, you'll receive useful tool and tips to help you get even more involved. And I will see that your efforts have inspired you to join Earth Hour.
Go to my personal page to sign up!
Can't see the video above? Click here to view the Earth Hour Video!
Go to my personal page to sign up!
A friend of mine who works at MTO told me about this and I decided to check it out....
OK, this is just too much! Can you say "privacy?"
As in, "where is our right to it???"
I definitely removed mine. I suggest you all do the same....
Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet, including your own! It asks for U.S. info but unfortunately it works for Canada. I just searched for mine and there it was...picture and all! Go to the web site and check it out. It's unbelievable!!!
Just enter your name, province and city to see if yours is on file. After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked "Please Remove". This will remove it from public viewing, but not from law enforcement.
Scary! Click here.
Friday, March 28, 2008
The Wizard has downloaded and installed the beta 1 of Microsoft's Internet Explorer 8. This browser is lightning fast! It opens quicker than any other browser I have installed - (Opera and Firefox 3.) It renders pages so fast it leave the competition in the dust - and that includes the previous version of IE.
Internet Explorer 8 beta 1 is a welcome change from the bloated feeling of IE 7, runs all around faster, and includes an "Emulate IE7" button to mimic the older version. This IS important as this release is a beta... therefore there are not unexpected issues in the beta version. I noticed that it doesn't handle Blogger picture uploading tool very well. Other than that, I have yet to see anything but a better browser from Redmond.
It also includes slices and activities. You can play with those when you get it.
This release is the fastest, easiest to use version of IE to date, as far as The Wizard is concerned.
This is a beta. It's NOT for everyone. But if you want to take the plunge, without the risk, download the beta and then use the Emulate IE7 button. Surf as you used to but in a much speedier way.
You can download the developer preview from Microsoft here.
A penguin was driving through Arizona on a hot, summer Sunday when he noticed his oil light was on.
He got out of the car and, sure enough, it was leaking oil all over the road.
The penguin drove around the corner to a service station and asked the mechanic to take a look at it.
The mechanic said he had a few others to look at first but if he came back in an hour, he could tell the penguin what was wrong with the car.
The penguin agreed and went for a walk.
He found an ice cream shop and thought a big bowl of ice cream would really hit the spot, since he was a penguin and it was Arizona in the summer after all.
He sat down at the counter and started in on the ice cream.
Of course, he had no hands so it was rather messy.
By the time he was done, he had ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth was a total mess.
He walked back to the service station and said to the mechanic, "Did you find out what is wrong with my car?"
The mechanic replied, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No, no", said the penguin, "It's just ice cream."
These are real answers given by children.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A:The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby. (I do love this one...)
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Well, it had to happen. I just wasn't expecting it to be today. Well, a co-worker was speaking to me today and asked to see my Italian Charm bracelet, and was asking me about all the charms. She asked what the pink triangle was for. I said,"In WWII, during the holocaust - Jews that were in concentration camps had a Star of David sewn onto their prison wear. GLBT people in those same camps had pink triangles sewn on theirs. So now you know."
She said that staff were asking her if she thought I might be gay. She told them to ask themselves. But they must have been too intimidated to come and ask me directly. I have never hid my sexual orientation from those at work, (I do wear a rainbow flag pin on my jacket, sometimes...) and I had decided that if the time came, I would not lie and deny it. Denying my homosexuality would go against all that I believe in - that is being truthful to myself.
So... I will have to wait and see as the news starts to travel around the office. I will be paying a bit closer attention now that they "Know". I expect to be treated no differently than before I confirmed this wee bit of myself with that co-worker. The part that really bugs me is that they have been speaking about me behind my back for I don't know how long now... My sexual orientation has no impact on my work - I am not attracted to any of them - I am happy with my life partner, Dwight. So if you guys do read this blog - "You're safe!"
Just because I am gay does not mean that I am after every guy in the world, just the same as heterosexuals are not after every member of the opposite sex!
Hang loose and worry not!
Have you ever watched kids
on a merry-go-round
Or listened to the rain
slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last
Do you run through each day on the fly
When you ask "How are you?"
do you hear the reply?
When the day is done,
do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
running through your head?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last
Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow
And in your haste, not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
'Cause you never had time
to call and say "Hi"?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last
When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.
*Louise L. Hay
Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names "cocktails," "highballs," and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of...yep, you guessed it:
"MOUNT & DO."