ON OH NO, NOT AGAIN!
"You’ve mistaken that banana for a telephone!"
--a handy English phrase in a Japanese textbook
ON ONE FOR THE ROAD
"You’re going to have to give me a little longer. This is tougher when you’ve been drinking."
--Illinois woman, quoted in the (Bloomington, Indiana) Pantagraph
ON GIBLETS, ONES THAT MAKE BAD GRAVY
Newlywed Game host Bob Eubanks: Gentlemen, what will your wives say is their favorite giblet?
Contestant: She would say her favorite giblet is, uh, is her panties.
Eubanks: Her panties.
Contestant: She’s got, she’s got these funny-looking panties and I don’t know what a giblet is . . .
Eubanks: You don’t know how close you are really. Rick?
Contestant #2: It would have to be our Pachinko game.
--TV Game Show The Newlywed Game
ON WAITING, MOIST
"BLUEPOINT OYSTERS OPENED WHILE YOU WAIT IN THEIR OWN JUICE"
--roadside sign, Cape May, New Jersey
ON FACIAL-EXPRESSION ABILITY, UNUSUAL
"He raises his left eyebrow up, and raises his right eyebrow down . . ."
--Philadelphia Eagles player Ike Reese, talking about his head coach, Andy Reid
ON COMPUTER USERS, BEYOND DUMB
"I can’t print. Every time I try, it says “Can’t find printer.” I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it . . ."
--actual call to a computer tech-support line
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