Sunday, September 30, 2007
Since that time, the federal government has produced a large number of Multi- etter agencies such as: FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.
Now we have the " Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service".
Can't you see them now, these 'highly trained' men and women in their black outfits with jackets saying across their backs: F.A.T.A.S.S.
The FATASS's are of course supervised by a special section of the Home Land Security Section known as: Airport Security Service Home Office Logistics Enhancement Section or the A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S.
I feel safer already.
This is a different method of determining your "real age" and I found it very interesting as I moved from question to question. Also, I was happy to see that my "real age" was younger than my earth age!!
Also a good way to see health changes we need to make or improve upon. Enjoy!
Find out your real age and your life expectancy....
1. Which "The Lion King" character was first portrayed as a male and is now a female in the transition from screen to stage?
2. What classic Disney animated film is based on a story that began its creative life as a theatrical play?
3. How many times do you hear the catchphrase "Hakuna Matata" during each Broadway performance of "The Lion King"?
4. Which of these "Mary Poppins" songs on Broadway were written exclusively for the stage show: "Step in Time," "The Perfect Nanny," or "Practically Perfect"?
5. Which Disney Channel Original film can be licensed for performance at schools?
6. Glenn Slater co-wrote new songs for "The Little Mermaid" on Broadway, along with composer Alan Menken. What is Glenn's prior Disney claim to fame?
7. What Tony®-winning Broadway stalwart provided a lead character voice for Disney's animated "The Lion King"?
8. How many actresses have portrayed the character Belle in Broadway's "Beauty and the Beast"?
Click here for the answers
Real Boxes. Fake Products.
Give that special someone a gift that will confuse, disappoint and possibly anger. Give it to them in an Onion GotchaBox™. These special gift boxes, printed with fake product graphics and descriptions, hold your actual gifts inside. The victim/recipient will congratulate you (eventually) for providing them an utterly perplexing and wonderfully humbling moment.
Your GotchaBox box set includes one each of the following: (1) USB Toaster, (1) Make-Your-Own Umbrella Kit, (1) Salt Of The Month Club
Box dimensions: 12"x9"x4"
--Order here from The Onion--
The seagull waits until the shopkeeper isn't looking, and then walks into the store and grabs a snack-size bag of cheese Doritos.
Once outside, the bag gets ripped open and shared by other birds.
The seagull's shoplifting started early this month when he first swooped into the store in Aberdeen, Scotland, and helped himself to a bag of chips. Since then, he's become a regular. He always takes the same type of chips.
Customers have begun paying for the seagull's stolen bags of chips because they think it's so funny.
So gay people are supposed to have a cracking sense of humour, eh? Well, it's a good job we can laugh at ourselves. It's time to put your laughing gear to the test with our countdown of the worst gay jokes around. (Believe us - there were a lot worse than this out there in funny ole cyberspace)
10. How many gay men does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in an Art Deco bulb, and two to shriek, "Fabulous!"
9. Why are gays more careful drivers than straights?
If they have an accident the newspaper will print their age.
8. What do you call two Irish gay guys?
Ben Dover and Phil McAvity.
7. What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
They`re right! We do taste like chicken!
6. What do you call a milkman in high heels?
5. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
4. How many gay men does it take to put in a light bulb?
Only one...but it takes an entire Emergency Room to get it out.
3. How do you make a fruit cordial?
Pat him on the bottom.
2. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
1. How do you know when you`ve been burgled by a gay guy?
The furniture`s been rearranged and there`s a quiche in the oven.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Sana Qadar, Special to CTV.ca
It's supposed to be used to make you smell clean and fresh, but instead it's got many teens smelling smoke. In a phenomenon that's growing, teens are using Axe Body Spray to light themselves, their friends and objects on fire.
Sprayed over an open flame, the high alcohol content of the popular body spray easily ignites, turning it into a makeshift mini flame thrower.
The prank is so popular, social networking websites like Facebook have groups dedicated to it. A quick search on video-sharing website YouTube turns up numerous videos of teens using the aerosol cans to create jets of fire.
In one prank that turned serious, an Ontario teen was sent to hospital with first-, second- and third-degree burns and another was charged with assault causing bodily harm earlier this week.
The two 14-year-olds from Glencoe, south-west of London, Ont. were playing with the aerosol cans in the change room of Glencoe District High School. While trying to create the flamethrower effect, one teen allegedly set the other on fire. The victim was sent to hospital with burns to his torso, and released the same day.
On Friday, Axe's parent company Unilever released a statement, saying "these incidents are most troubling to us, as there is nothing more important to us than the safety and well-being of the consumers who use our products. We strongly encourage consumers to heed the warning on our packaging and use our products carefully, safely and only for their intended purpose."
Sgt. Dave Rektor of the Ontario Provincial Police in western region said the incident in Glencoe was the first in his region where charges were laid, although the OPP has been aware of such incidents since the end of the last school year.
"Although we haven't had any reported to the police, we're aware through our contacts in the high schools that these types of incidents are happening ... it seems like this is definitely an insurgence," he told CTV.ca
"It's an issue that has come to our attention really only in the last couple of weeks," Chris Dennett, spokesperson for the Thames Valley District School Board which covers Glencoe, told CTV.ca.
"Teens are very good at finding other uses for what seem to be very harmless products," he said. "If you look at YouTube ... obviously there has been a fair amount of experimentation with the product."
After a similar incident took place at Medway Secondary School in the same school district, the OPP and local burn unit held a fire safety program at that school. It's likely a similar program will be held at Glencoe District High School.
Sgt. Rektor said pranks involving aerosols and fire have been growing in popularity because students are copying what they see on Internet sites like YouTube.
"It's very alarming to us that they're looking at this as fun. This is just not fun. This is a potential for serious bodily harm or death."
On YouTube, one video serves as a kind of 'how-to' guide and features a young boy demonstrating different fire tricks with a can of Axe Body Spray.
In one trick he sprays the back of his hand with Axe and then lights it on fire. Covering his hand, he quickly waves off the flames. Next he creates a large jet of fire from the Axe can by spraying it over a lighter.
Another video shows a male teen lighting his shirt on fire. The flames cover his entire mid-section and then quickly burn out.
On Facebook, one group dedicated to the stunt is named "if this group reaches 120 people i will set my legs on fire...again." Started by a Peterborough student, the group's page links to the YouTube video of the teen carrying out his promise. "It doesn't even hurt!" he exclaims in the video, after lighting his legs aflame.
On the group's page, one teen posted a message saying, "there's nuthin ever to do in Peterborough ... its all for fun."
In another group, named "Axe + Fire = Good," one teen claimed to have lit his face on fire. Another wrote about lighting his hand on fire. "It was so cool," he said.
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!" Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist." ...
The proctologist fainted.
Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer and a Labrador, are sitting in the waiting room at the Vet when they strike up a conversation.
The Doberman turns to the Boxer and say, "So why are you here?" The Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything, the sofa, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed". The Doberman says, "So what is the Vet going to do?" "Lethal injection," came the reply from the sad Boxer.
The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are you here?" The Labrador says, "I am a digger, I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I just dig for the hell of it. When I'm inside I dig up carpets, but I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch". "So what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman asks. "Lethal injection," replied the dejected Labrador.
The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks "Why are you here then?" "I'm a humper," the Doberman says, "I'll hump anything, I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever I want to hump, everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending over to dry his toes and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on his back and started humping away." The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and say, "So lethal injection for you too huh?"
"No, no," the Doberman says, I'm just here to get my nails clipped".
Take just a couple of minutes to take this test & see what happens! If you are honest this tells the truth--it's pretty good. Write your answers on a piece of paper, and NO cheating! The answers are at the bottom.
1. Which is your favorite color: red, black, blue, green, or yellow?
2. Your first initial?
3. Your month of birth?
4. Which color do you like more, black or white?
5. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.
6. Your favorite number?
7. Do you like California or Florida more?
8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?
9. Write down a wish (a realistic one).
When you're done, scroll down. Don't cheat
1. If you chose:
Red - You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black - you are conservative and aggressive.
Green - Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.
Blue - You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.
Yellow - You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.
2. If your initial is:
A-K - You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R - You try to enjoy your life to the maximum and your love life is soon to blossom.
S-Z - You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.
3. If you were born in:
JAN - MAR: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
APR - JUN: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever.
JUL - SEP: You will have a great year and will experience a major life- changing experience for the good.
OCT - DEC: Your love life will not be too great, but eventually you will find your soul mate.
4. If you chose...
Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.
White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.
5. This person is your best friend.
6. This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.
7. If you chose:
California: You like adventure.
Florida: You are a laid back person.
8. If you chose:
Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Herman, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, Herman, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that emerald necklace you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?
...... Here it comes!!!
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Alec what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Here's a cute one.
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
Sex: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes
REASON FOR LEAVING: It was the pits.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries
"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful - the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."
It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill it was broke by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like Mother of Pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the gay friend walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his gay friend, "come in, too?" the traveller asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept gays."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his gay friend.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the gay friend.
"There should two cups by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a two cups beside it.
The traveller filled a cup and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the gay friend. When they were full, he and the gay friend walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.
"What do you call this place?" the traveller asked. "This is Heaven," he answered.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."
Siberian woman unaware of newborn’s weight until Caesarean section
BARNAUL, Russia - A Siberian woman who gave birth to her 12th child — doing more than her fair share to stem Russia’s population decline — was stunned to find that little Nadia weighed in at a massive 17 pounds, 1 ounce.
Nadia was delivered by Caesarean section in the local maternity hospital in the Altai region on September 17, joining eight sisters and three brothers, a local reporter said.
“We were all simply in shock,” said Nadia’s mother, Tatyana Barabanova, 43. “What did the father say? He couldn’t say a thing — he just stood there blinking.”
“I ate everything, we don’t have the money for special foods so I just ate potatoes, noodles and tomatoes,” she told the reporter, adding that all her previous babies had weighed more than 11 pounds.
The Guinness World Records lists a 22 pound, 4 ounce baby boy born in Italy in 1955, and a 23 pound, 8 ounce baby boy who was born in the United States in 1879 but died 11 hours later.
The average weight for most healthy newborn babies is around 7 pounds, 6 ounces, according to World Health Organization figures.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Paul got an early start to his day, he had set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6:00am, while his coffeemaker (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his razor (MADE IN HONG KONG).
He put on his sweater (MADE IN SRI LANKA), his stylish jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and his runners (MADE IN KOREA).
Then after making his breakfast in his little toaster oven (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down in front of his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN)by his radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got into his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and set off in his search for a good job.
At the end of a discouraging day, he decided to relax a little. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL)poured a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) into a lead crystal glass (MADE IN CHECKOSLOVAKIA), and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and asked himself:
Why it is so hard to find a good paying job in Canada?
So Why Do Some Christians? Lets just see who enters heaven when the time comes...
"When the Son of Man comes in His glory, and all the holy angels with Him, then He will sit on the throne of His glory. All the nations will be gathered before Him, and He will separate them one from another, as a shepherd divides his sheep from the goats. And He will set the sheep on His right hand, but the goats on the left. Then the King will say to those on His right hand,
'Come, you blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me.
Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? 'When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?'
And the King will answer and say to them, 'Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.'
Then He will also say to those on the left hand, 'Depart from Me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels: for I was hungry and you gave Me no food; I was thirsty and you gave Me no drink; I was a stranger and you did not take Me in, naked and you did not clothe Me, sick and in prison and you did not visit Me.'
Then they also will answer Him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see You hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to You?'
Then He will answer them, saying, 'Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.' And these will go away into everlasting punishment, but the righteous into eternal life" (Matt. 25:31-46).
The curriculum includes a video/DVD called "We Are Family" and accompanying teachers' guides. Produced by the We Are Family Foundation (WAFF), the video features scores of popular television characters promoting "diversity" and encouraging children to consider that a family may go beyond the traditional concept.
For example, the letter introducing educators to the video states that "children will learn about different kinds of families and will explore the importance of appreciating cultural diversity." And when children are asked to discuss who might be part of a family, teachers are urged to "ask further questions of the class if they only give ... traditional answers" such as mommy, daddy, sister, and brother.
Finn Laursen, executive director of the Christian Educators Association International (CEAI), has seen the video. His reaction? "It is evident that our children have become the targets of special-interest groups that insist on promoting the homosexual lifestyle within the school setting," he says in a press release.
According to Laursen, it was obvious to him why children's loved and respected TV characters were employed in the video: to promote the concept that families may be different than the time-honored traditional family. He says the school setting is not the place for that.
"Most American families do not send their children to schools to have the concept of traditional family polluted by special-interest groups -- and for this reason [families] need to speak out," he says. The CEAI spokesman says parents need to contact their schools and insist that their children not be forced to view the video.
"Our community should not be bullied by political correctness or fear of being considered intolerant," Laursen says. "Let's get back to the teaching of the basics and leave family and sexual morality issues to our parents."
The intent behind the We Are Family music video featuring characters such as SpongeBob SquarePants and Barney was brought to light in late 2004 by an investigative report by AFA Journal, a publication of the American Family Association. Ed Vitagliano, who wrote the article, says when he read in an Associated Press story that the video was intended to promote "diversity and tolerance in classrooms," he decided to examine the WAFF website to discover whether or not the issue of homosexuality was included. "It was -- and in spades," he says.
By Jody Brown