Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Not playing with a full deck? Hell, he's not even in the game!
A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
A brain like a BB in a boxcar.
A couple of bricks short of a hod.
A couple of dilithium crystals short of a warp core.
A couple of knights short of a Crusade.
A couple of togas short of an orgy.
A couple of volts below threshold.
A couplet short of a sonnet.
A day late and a dollar short.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few birds shy of a flock.
A few bits short of a byte.
A few bits shy of a word.
A few bricks shy of a load.
A few cans short of a six pack, six short.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few clues shy of a solution.
A few ears short of a bushel.
A few eggs short of a dozen.
A few feet short of the runway.
A few fish short of a string.
A few guppies short of an aquarium.
A few inches short of a foot / yard.
A few kernels short of an ear.
A few lanes short of a highway.
A few lines short of a program.
A few links shy of a chain.
A few open splices.
A few peas short of a pod / casserole.
A few pickles short of a jar.
A few pixels short of an image.
A few puppies short of a pet shop.
A few rungs short of a ladder.
A few sandwiches / apples / ants short of a picnic.
A few screams short of an orgasm.
A few screws loose.
A few snowballs short of an avalanche.
A few spoons short of a full set.
A few straws shy of a bale.
A few tacos short of a fiesta platter.
A few tiles missing from his Space Shuttle.
A few tomatoes short of a thick sauce.
A few yards short of the hole.
A flower short of an arrangement.
A goose short of a gaggle.
A hamburger / a few French fries short of a Happy Meal.
A handle short of a suitcase.
A hump short of a camel.
A lap behind the field.
A little light in his loafers.
A looney tune.
A mind like wet tennis shoes: Makes squishy noises when running.
A pane short of a window.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
A pickle short of a barrel.
A quart low.
A room temperature IQ.
A screw loose.
A strawberry short of a quart.
A teabag short of a pot.
A victim of retroactive birth control.
A violin minus the bow.
A walking argument for birth control.
A wind-up clock without a key.
About a half a bubble off plumb.
About as sharp as a sack of wet leather / a bowling ball / a bowl of Jell-O.
About as smart as bait.
About fifteen cents short.
About three cents short of a dollar.
Ain't wrapped too tight.
Air between the ears.
All booster - no payload.
All booster and no shuttle.
All crown - no filling.
All foam. no beer.
All hammer, no nail.
All his eggs in the same basket.
All his marbles in one bag.
All lime and salt, no tequila.
All missile, no warhead.
All plow and no tractor.
All the lights don't shine in his marquee.
All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag.
All wax and no wick.
Almost as smart as a finch.
Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
An early example of the Peter Principle.
An ego like a black hole.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
An inch short and a stroke early.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
Answers the door when the phone rings.
Antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
Any slower and he'd be in reverse. -- Gignac
As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb.
As thick as two short planks.
Attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
Attic's a little dusty.
Back burners not fully operating.
Bats have flown the belfry, and now he's all alone.
Bats in the belfry.
Batteries not included.
Been playing in the pharmacy section again.
Been playing with his wand too much.
Been short on oxygen one time too many.
Blender doesn't go past "mix".
Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / punches.
Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel.
Born a day late and like that ever since.
Born during low tide in the gene pool.
Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat!
Brain on cruise control.
Brain speed inversely proportional to mouth speed.
Brains of a house plant.
Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
Cackles a lot, but I ain't seen no eggs yet.
Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.
Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
Can carry on conversations with bushes.
Can easily be confused with facts.
Can't find his ass with two hands and a periscope.
Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.
Cauliflower / Cheezwiz for brains.
Cheats when filling out opinion polls.
Clutch is slipping.
Could get lost in a broom closet.
Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.
Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel.
Couldn't pick the winner of a one-horse race.
Couldn't spell "cat" if you spotted him on the "C" and the "A".
Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick.
Crazy as all get out / a loon.
Cursor's flashing but there's no response.
Deaf, dumb, and blonde.
Deck has no face cards.
Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Dialing thumb must be broken.
Dock doesn't quite reach the water.
Does aerobics... in his head.
Doesn’t have all nine players on the diamond.
Doesn't have all his dogs barking.
Doesn't have all of his groceries in the same bag.
Doesn't have all the dots on his dice.
Doesn't have both chop sticks in the chop suey.
Doesn't have both oars in the water.
Doesn't have both oars in the water -- can't even find the damn boat.
Doesn't have elastic in both of his socks.
Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.
Doesn't know if he's afoot or on horseback.
Doesn't know which side of the toast the butter is on.
Downhill skiing in Iowa.
Dr. Kevorkian got her from the neck up.
Driving with two wheels in the sand.
Dumb as asphalt / dirt / a stump / a box of rocks / a sack of hammers.
Dumber than a chicken / box of hair / a red brick / rocks.
Dumber than owl droppings.
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.
Eating with only one chopstick.
Echoes between the ears.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Elevator doesn't make it to the penthouse.
Elevator doesn't stop at every floor.
Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open.
Elevator is stuck between floors.
Encyclopedia’s missing some volumes.
Engine is running, but no one is behind the wheel.
Enough sawdust between the ears to bed an elephant.
Evidence for the theory of a missing link.
Flying / landing on one engine.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Found his marbles, but is playing jacks with them.
Four cents short of a nickel.
Full throttle, dry tank.
Gasoline engine, diesel fuel.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.
Gets her mail at an unknown zip code.
Gets his orders from another planet.
Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain't got no cattle.
Goalie for the dart team.
God might still use him for miracle practice.
God's favorite target for lightning strikes.
Got a dozen eggs but some are cracked.
Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
Half a brick short of a full load.
Half a bubble off plumb. --Attributed to Mark Twain
Half a quart low.
Hard to distinguish from the tail end of a horse.
Has a leak in his ceiling.
Has a pulse, but that's about all.
Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.
Has all the brains God gave a duck's ass.
Has six beers, but lacks the little plastic thing to hold them together.
Has the brains of a dog’s ass.
Has the intellectual capacity of an Allen wrench.
Has the memory of a goldfish.
Has two brains. One is lost and the other is out looking for it.
Hasn't enough sense to pound salt into a rat hole.
Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.
Hasn't got enough sense to come in out of the rain.
Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat.
Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited.
Head whistles in a cross wind.
Hears everything that a dog can.
He's got his motor running but the gearshift is still in park.
His drill doesn't have a full set of bits.
His jogging trail doesn’t go all the way around the lake.
If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.
If brains were dynamite he couldn't blow his hat off / his nose!
If brains were popularity, she’d be the IRS.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If he had another brain cell, it'd be lonely.
If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them.
If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.
If he were any smarter, you could teach him to fetch.
If his IQ were 2 points higher he would be a rock.
If she were any dumber, she'd be a green plant.
If stupidity were a crime, he'd be #1 on the Most Wanted list.
If stupidity were beauty, her face could launch a million ships.
If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he'd get nuked.
If there were a merciful God he'd be dead by now.
If they made hats the size of his brain he would be wearing a peanut shell.
Immune to caffeine and all other stimulants.
Impervious to brain damage.
In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department.
Infinite space between her ears.
Inspired the slogan, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste."
IQ lower than a snake's belly in a wagon-rut.
IQ of a salad bar / an ice cube / three below houseplant.
It would be easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing!
Knitting with only one needle.
Knows Atlanta like the back of her hand, but she’s in Chicago.
Lamborghini chassis, moped engine.
Left the store without all of his groceries.
Library is well stocked - with Dr. Seuss books.
Life by Norman Rockwell, screenplay by Stephen King.
Light not burning too bright.
Lightbulb over his head is burned out.
Lights are on but nobody's home.
Like a one-armed man climbing a rope.
Little red choo-choo done jumped the track.
Lives in the same world, but a different universe.
Living proof of evolution.
Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
Long on dry wall, short on studs.
Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room.
Loony as a jay bird.
Lost his trolleys.
Low on thinking gas.
Marching to a different kettle of fish.
Mental agility of a soap dish.
Mentally qualified for handicapped parking.
Mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence.
Mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime.
Mind like a sieve.
Mind like a steel trap - anything entering gets crushed and mangled.
Mind like a steel trap -- full of mice.
Mind like a steel trap -- rusty and stuck closed.
Mind like a steel trap -- things wander in and get mangled.
Mind wandered and never came back.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Missing a few catalog cards / gears / marbles.
Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
Missing all of the face cards.
Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
Moves his lips to pretend he's reading.
Music by Mozart, choreography by Beavis & Butthead.
Needs another brain to make half-wit.
Needs both hands to wipe his behind.
Nice house, but nobody home / not much furniture.
No coins in the old fountain.
No filter in the coffee maker.
No grain in the silo.
No hands on the rudder / yoke.
No hay in the loft.
No one at the throttle.
No wind in her mind's windmills.
Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us!
Not done evolving yet.
Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective.
Not enough brains to get anywhere near the gutter.
Not enough sense to come in out of the rain.
Not firing on all four / six / eight cylinders.
Not firing on all thrusters.
Not much to show for four billion years of evolution.
Not only a few brick short, but is missing someone else's bricks as well.
Not only rude, but ugly too.
Not quite human any longer.
Not running on full thrusters.
Not the brightest light on the Christmas tree.
Not the fastest car in the lot.
Not the quickest bunny in the forest.
Not the same since they took him off his medication.
Not the sharpest crayon in the box.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Not too tightly wrapped.
Not worth pissin' on.
Nothing between the stethoscopes.
Nutty as a fruitcake.
Off his rocker.
Oil doesn't reach his dipstick
On permanent leave of absence from his senses.
On the batting end of a no-hitter.
One banana short of a fruit-salad.
One board short of a porch.
One boot stuck in the sand.
One brick shy of a load.
One drop short of an empty bladder.
One fang short of a vampire.
One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.
One fruit short of a basket.
One horseman short of an apocalypse.
One hot pepper short of an enchilada.
One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey.
One sentence short of a paragraph.
One shingle shy a roof.
One shingle shy of a roof, and the water's getting in.
One ship short of a full fleet.
One snowflake short of a ski slope.
One song short of a musical.
One step short of the attic.
One tree short of a hammock.
Only got one oar in the water.
Only hitting on 7 cylinders.
Only operating at about half a watt.
Only playing with 51 cards.
Only playing with the jokers.
Ought to have a warning label on his forehead.
Out in left field with a catcher's mitt on.
Outlet isn't grounded.
Over the rainbow.
Overdue for reincarnation.
Paddling with one oar.
Paralyzed from the neck up.
Parked his head and forgot where he left it.
Pedaling real fast, but not getting anywhere.
People around her are at risk of second hand idiocy.
Perfect face for Halloween.
Permanently out to lunch.
Permanently rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us.
Personality of a snail on Valium.
Playing baseball with a rubber bat.
Playing hockey with a warped puck.
Plays solitaire... for cash.
Porch light is on, but there's nobody home.
Proof God has a sense of humor.
Puzzle is missing a few pieces.
Quick as a corpse.
Reading off an empty disk.
Receiver is off the hook.
Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
Reset line is glitching.
Result of a first cousin marriage.
Riding a tippy canoe.
Room for rent, unfurnished.
Room temperature IQ.
Room temperature IQ - in Centigrade.
Running on empty.
Runs squares around the competition.
Rusty springs in the mousetrap.
Sailboat fuel for brains.
Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beachball.
She can piss standing up, but not much else.
She only packed half a sandwich.
Short a few cards.
Should be the poster child for family planning.
Should have kept his helmet on while riding / playing.
Signs on both ears saying 'Space for Rent.'
Sitting in the right pew, but the wrong church.
Six bricks short of a full load.
Six shy of a dozen.
Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slept too close to his radium-dial watch.
Sloppy as a soup sandwich.
Slow as molasses in January.
Slow out of the gate.
Smart as a politician / lawyer is honest.
Smart as bait.
Smarter than the average bear.
Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.
So boring, his dreams have Muzak.
So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight.
So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him.
So dumb, he faxes face up.
So dumb, his dog teaches him tricks.
So far gone, hard drugs push him closer to normal.
So fat, people climb over him rather than go around.
So slow, he has to speed up to stop.
So slow, we drive stakes in the ground to measure his progress.
So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.
Soft as baby shit.
Soft as silly putty.
Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards.
Some Assembly Required.
Some bugs in his software.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Some M&M's missing from her bowl.
Some pages missing.
Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue.
Someone blew out his pilot light.
Strong like bull, smart like streetcar.
Stumped by anything childproof.
Subtle as a well-thrown brick.
Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
Switch is on, but no one's receiving.
Takes her 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".
Talks to plants on their own level.
The carnival has closed.
The cheese has slid off his cracker.
The computer's on but there's no prompt.
The crowd’s cheering but there’s no team on the field.
The going got weird, and he turned pro.
The space between his ears powers vacuum pumps.
The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.
There's a leak in his ceiling.
Thick as a brick.
Three chickens short of a hen house
Three wheels short of a Honda.
Too many birds on her antenna.
Too many jokers and not enough aces in his deck.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Took the little bus to school.
Toys in the attic.
Traveling without a passport.
Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
Two bits shy of a word.
Two catchers and three basemen short of a World Series.
Two clowns short of a circus.
Two saucers short of a tea-service.
Two sheep short of a sweater.
Two socks short of a pair.
Types 120 words a minute but her keyboard isn't plugged in.
Ugly as a warthog and half as smart.
Understands English as well as any parrot.
Useful as a balsa wood anchor.
Useful as a chocolate frying pan.
Useful as a concrete canoe.
Useful as a glass machete.
Useful as a kick stand on a horse.
Useful as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
Useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
Useful as tits on a bull / boar-hog.
Useful as tits on a tomcat.
Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.
Uses thumbtacks to post notes -- on his refrigerator.
Uses two hands to eat with chopsticks.
Vacancy on the top floor.
Was hiding behind the door when they passed out brains.
Was napping in the nut pile the day that God was cracking nuts.
Welcome light on, but no one home.
Working with an unformatted disk.
When I am filled
I can point the way,
When I am empty
Nothing moves me,
I have two skins
One without the one within.
Who/what am I?
Four men sat down to play,
They played all night `till break of day.
They played for gold and not for fun
With separate scores for everyone.
When they came to square accounts,
They all had made quite fair amounts.
Can you paradox explain,
If no one lost, how could all gain?
I'm one of five,
I'm not alive.
The one who sent me forth became king,
The one who received me died.
What am I?
I am the heart that does not beat.
If cut, I bleed without blood.
I can fly, but have no wings.
I can float, but have no fins.
I can sing, but have no mouth.
What am I?
Click here for the answers.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
21 Personal Favorite Foods That You'll Never See On Any Restaurant Menu
(All highly recommended... and with only minimal health risks.)
1. Sautéed Guadalupe Fur Seal grilled to perfection in a Musk-Ox Oil
2. Boneless Marinated Numbfish simmered in an Endospore Swill
3. Stir-Fried Screech Owl
4. Steamed Mud Eel Wedges wrapped in Untanned Rawhide
5. Caramelized Neck of Whooping Crane
6. Barbecued Pygmy Hippo Riblets
7. Breaded Filet-o-Bottle-Nosed Dolphin seasoned in a Salt Marsh Brine Broth
8. Batter-Dipped Segmented Earthworms
9. Char-Grilled Pandaburger with a side order of Cartilage Chips and Pond Scum Slaw
10. Crispy Bollweevil Skins served with a liquefied Elm Bark Beetle Dipping Sauce
11. Smoked Tenderloin Mule Shank in a tangy Cactus Gravy
12. Boiled Camel Hump... a la mode
13. Stewed Dorsal Fin garnished with Shedded Scales
14. Minced Otter Pelt over a bed of mashed, fleshy Tuberous Root
15. Glazed Walrus Blubber Loaf
16. Kentucky Fried Pigeon
17. Creamed Gastropod Surprise
18. Poached Bald Eaglet Yoke-Sac sprinkled with Ragwort and topped with a zesty Duckweed Dressing
19. Extra-Chewy Tadpole Taffy
20. Prairie Dog-kabob
21. Fermented Chum Shake
All I Want From You (Is Away)
All My Exes Live In Texas
All the Guys that Turn Me On Turn Me Down
Am I Double Parked by the Curbstone of Your Heart?
Are You Drinkin With Me Jesus?
According to Sylvester, the song contains the truly touching lyrics:
"Does your head pound Jesus as hung over you do rise....how does paradise look Jesus, through holy bloodshot eyes...
Should we take a cab home Jesus...aw man we can hoof it from here...
I know you can walk on the water but can you walk on this much beer?"
Are You on the Top 40 of the Lord?
At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self Service Pump
Apparently this is from a Weird Al Yankovic song, "One More Minute." But it sounds like a country title, so I'll keep it!
Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreens and I Cried All the Way to Sears
Bubba Shot The Jukebox
Bubba's Inconvenience Store
Come out of the Wheatfield Nellie, You're Going Against the Grain
Cow Cow Blues Not a country song at all, as it turns out, but I've left it on the list because of the title's similarity to...
Cow Cow Boogie (Moo Moo My Love)
This one's been performed by everyone from The Judds to Mel Torme, according to ASCAP. Also not to be confused with...
Cow Cow Strut
by Barbara Chamberlin (SOCAN)
Did I Shave my Legs for This? by Deana Carter
Don't Believe My Heart Can Stand Another You.
by Tanya Tucker (BMI)
Don't Chop Any Wood Mother, I'm Comin' in With a Load!
Don't Come Home a-Drinkin' With Lovin' on Yo-mind
by Loretta Lynn (BMI)
Don't Give Me A Plastic Saddle 'Cuz I Want To Feel That Leather When I Ride
Don't Squeeze My Sharmon. (Yes, that IS the correct spelling)
Written by Carl Belew & Van Givens (BMI)
Don't Strike A Match (To The Book Of Love)
Written by Pat Alger & Hal Ketchum (BMI)
Drop Kick Me Jesus (Through The Goal Posts Of Life.)
Written by Paul Charles Craft
Four on the Floor and a Fifth Under the Seat
Written by Rex Pearce (BMI)
Get Off the Table, Mabel (The Two Dollars is for the Beer)
by Bull Moose Jackson
Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In The Bed.
Written by Richard Friedman (BMI)
Git Up Off'n the Floor Hannah (a Bitter New Year's Eve)
by Red Ingle and the Natural Seven, Written by Foster Carling & Joe Washburne (ASCAP)
Going to Hell in Your Heavenly Arms
by the Austin Lounge Lizards (ASCAP)
Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart.
Written by Liz Anderson (BMI)
Hand me the Pool Cue and Call Yourself an Ambulance (not sure it's a real song)
Her Only Bad Habit Is Me
Believe it or not, three songs with this title in the BMI database.
Here's A Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares)
by Travis Tritt - "It's All About to Change" (several folks submitted this one)
High Cost of Low Living
by John Steele & James Sloane (ASCAP)
Hold On To Your Men..Cause she's Single Again
How Can I Get Over You if You Won't Get Out from Under Me?
How Can I Get Over You Till You Get Out from Under Him?
How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
Written by Leonard Linnehan & Louis Philip Perry (ASCAP)
But there are a half-dozen songs with this title in the BMI database!
How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You, When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?
According to Murphy, this song was written for the film Royal Wedding starring Fred Astaire, and was a novelty dance number.
How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?
by Mel Tillis (BMI)
How Did You Get so Ugly Overnight?
I Bought the Shoes that Just Walked Out on Me
2 songs with this title in the BMI database
I Can't Pass the Bar, and There's One on my Way Home
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
I Don't Care if it Rains or Freezes 'Long as I Have My Plastic Jesus Sittin' on the Dashboard of my Car
a.k.a. "Plastic Jesus" by Ernie Marrs
I Don't Do Floors
by Don Cook & Charles Victor Rains (ASCAP)
I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
by Thom Sharpe
I Fell for Her, She Fell for Him, and He Fell for Me
I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart
Written by Jack Clement (BMI)
I Gave Her My Heart And A Diamond And She Clubbed Me With A Spade
I Gave Her the Ring, and She Gave Me the Finger
I Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Bed Crying On My Pillow Over You.
According to ASCAP, the acutal title is simply, "Tears In My Ears"
I Got the Hungries for Your Love, and I'm Waitin In Your Welfare Line
I Got Through Everything But The Door
I Guess I Had Your Leavin' Coming
by Vern Gosdin (ASCAP)
I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
Written by Byron Gallimore, Don Pfrimmer & William Shore (BMI)
I May Be Used, But Baby I Ain't Used Up
I Only Miss You On The Days That End In " Y "
I Sat Down On A Beartrap (Just This Morning)
I Sent Her Artifical Flowers For Her Artificial Love
There are 4 songs called "Artificial Flowers" in the BMI database
I Still Miss You Baby... But My Aim is Getting Better
I Want a Beer as Cold as My Ex-Wife's Heart
I Wanted You To Leave Until You Left Me.
I Wanna Whip Your Cow
I Was Looking Back to See If You Were Looking Back to See If I Was Looking Back to See if You Were Looking Back at Me
According to Sean, this may be "I Looked Back" by Jimmy Eaton & Larry Wagner, recorded by Perry Como. If that's the case, I think we can safely move it out of the "country" category! On the other hand, it was a duet performed by Buck Owens and Susan Raye in the 1960s, called "Looking Back to See,"which would move it right back into the "country" category.
I Went Back to My Fourth Wife for the Third Time and Gave Her a Second Chance to Make a First Class Fool Out of Me
by Rev.Billy C. Wirtz
I Wish I Were A Lesbian
by Loudon Wainwright III (ASCAP)
I Wish I Were A Woman (So I Could Go Out With A Guy Like Me)
I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
I'd Rather Hear A Fat Girl Fart Than A Pretty Boy Sing
I'd Rather Pass a Kidney Stone than Another Night With You
If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You.
by Freddie Hart (BMI)
If I Ain't Got It, You Don't Need It.
Two songs with this title in the BMI database
If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
If I'd Killed You When I Wanted To, I'd be Out of Jail By Now
by Reuben Darnell
If I Had It To Do All Over Again, I'd Do It All Over You
by Dan Hicks and his Hot Licks
If I Had My Life to Live Over, I'd Live Over a Delicatessen
If I Were In Your Shoes, I'd Walk Right Back To Me
Five songs in the BMI database caleed "If I Were In Your Shoes"
If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
If My Nose Was Running Money, Honey, I'd Blow It Al On You (Title from BMI database)
If I Had a Nose Full of Nickels, I'd Sneeze Them All Atchoo! (Another version of the title)
If She Hadn't Been So Good Lookin' I Might Have Seen the Train
If the Devil Danced in Empty Pockets, He'd Have a Ball in Mine
by Joe Diffie (ASCAP)
If The Jukebox Took Teardrops
2 songs with this title listed in the ASCAP database.
If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me
by Jimmy Buffett, also recorded by Crystal Gayle (ASCAP)
If Today Was a Fish, I'd Throw It Back In
3 songs titled "If Today Was a Fish" in the BMI database.
If You Can't Be Good, Be Bad With Me
Written by Tim Bussey & Mark Maxwell (BMI)
If You Can't Be Good, Son, Be Good At It
by Neal McCoy (BMI)
If You Can't Bite, Don't Growl.
by Tommy Collins (BMI)
If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead?
Written by Benjamin Costello, Alexis Feltham & Jason Whalley (BMI)
If You Don't Leave Me, I'll Find Someone Who Will
If You Ever Get the Feelin' I Don't Love You, Feel Again.
If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
Three songs in the BMI database with this title.
If You Leave Me I'm Gone
by Hunter Davis (ASCAP)
If You Really Loved Me, You'd Leave
If You Got the Money, Honey, I Got the Time
by Hank Williams (courtesy of Bill)
If You’re Gonna Do Him Wrong Again, You Might As Well Do Him Wrong Again With Me!
If You're Gonna Do Me Wrong, Do It Right
by Vern Gosdin & Max Barnes (BMI)
If You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put it Next to My Ex-Wife's Heart
If You Want Your Freedom PDQ, Divorce Me COD
Written by Cliffie Stone & Merle Travis. Also recorded by Boxcar Willie and Glen Campbell.
Monday, June 25, 2007
(Winnipeg, Manitoba)(CP) Canadian Anglicans inched closer towards blessing same sex unions, but stopped short of giving priests the power to perform ceremonies.
The Anglican Church of Canada agreed that same sex blessings do not conflict with its core doctrine, a decision that paves the way for the practice.
But ultimately, delegates voting Sunday at the General Synod rejected the idea of letting individual dioceses decide whether their priests could perform blessing ceremonies for same sex couples who were married in civil ceremonies.
"So on the one hand, we said it is a matter of doctrine, but not credal, that is, not essential to one's salvation, shall we say. But on the other hand, the church is not prepared... to proceed immediately with the blessing of same sex unions," said Archbishop-elect Fred Hiltz, who will be installed as the church's new primate Monday evening.
Supporters and opponents of same sex blessings call the decisions confusing.
"It is a very confusing message to be sending. It's taking with one hand and giving with the other," said Chris Aimbidge, President of Integrity Canada, a lobby group that supports same sex blessings.
Cheryl Chang, a spokeswoman for Anglican Essentials, a group lobbying against same sex blessings, said she believes confused and frustrated parishioners will start finding other churches immediately.
"People (will) leave to go to the Catholic church, the Baptist church, the Pentecostal church. That's going to happen starting next Sunday, or next Monday even," Chang said.
"These are decisions that are very confusing for the church, and ultimately, very divisive."
Both resolutions were widely supported by both clergy and laity in Sunday's votes, but needed the support of the bishops in order to pass.
The bishops narrowly accepted the resolution on doctrine by just two votes. However, when it came to allowing same sex blessing ceremonies, the bishops voted 21 to 19 against the idea.
Though the church hasn't approved the practice, observers say the foundation has been laid for same sex blessings in Canada.
Some of the more conservative Anglican churches have already threatened the U.S. church with expulsion over its blessings of same-sex couples, so that's why opponents are concerned about Sunday's decisions.
"To do what they've done is to step apart from the worldwide Anglican communion," said The Rev. Canon Charlie Masters, the head of Anglican Essentials.
"This is a very sad day for Anglicans."
The fear of a split from the worldwide Anglican church was one of the many reasons the decision proved difficult for some voters. Just hours before the final vote, Meghan Lofgren, a youth delegate from the diocese of Saskatoon, admitted she hadn't made up her mind.
"I don't even know what I'm going to vote right now," she said.
Others, like Rene Jamieson, were eager to make a decision. She urged fellow delegates to let each diocese decide on whether priests could perform same-sex blessings.
Jamieson said the lengthy discussions on the issue mean they're not focusing on problems like poverty.
"I want you to vote in favour of this resolution so we can get on with the work of the church," she told delegates.
The Anglicans' vote follows a similar one by Canada's Evangelical Lutheran Church, held Saturday in Winnipeg.
Canadian Evangelical Lutherans are in full communion with the Anglican Church of Canada, meaning ordained ministers can officiate in either church. Similarly, baptized members can transfer between the two churches.
With roughly 180,000 members, the Evangelical Lutherans form the largest Lutheran denomination in Canada.
The Anglicans' decision Sunday came after two days of debate. Initially, the vote was scheduled for Saturday night, but instead of debating the issue, delegates spent hours wrangling over procedural issues.
The General Synod is held once every three years.
Because of intense competition, most retailers will likely be selling the new Harry Potter book at cost or less in the first week of its release. So the Wizard hit the streets again, asking, "What do you think?"
"That's not fair to the customers. They might also stick around and flip through key parts of The Secret."
"Even more damaging to bookstores is the fact that you can purchase Harry Potter books at most vending machines."
"But once the customers are through the door, they can't help but to spend money hand over fist on the impulse-displayed kitten bookmarks, a copy of Redbook and overpriced Chekhov."
*American Voices, The Onion
For those of you that don't get this ... you will !!! Your day is coming.
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests. I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only 1 cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye --they need water. I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day .
- the car isn't washed
- the bills aren't paid
- there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
- the flowers don't have enough water
- there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book
- I can't find the remote
- I can't find my glasses
- and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favour. Forward this post to everyone you know, because I don't remember whether the heck I've posted it before. Don't laugh ... if this isn't you yet, your day is coming !!!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!!
ON TAKE A LEFT AT THE NEXT BURNING BUSH
"We’re going to the land of milk and honey. Anybody know the way?"
--an Israelite about to leave Egypt, in The Ten Commandments (1956)
ON DEWORDIFICATION, NECESSARY
Title of a US Postal Service plan to get more letter carriers to deliver mail on foot:
ON THOSE OH-SO-TECHNICAL QUESTIONS
Customer: I’m an educated man, so don’t you dare talk down to me!
Tech support: OK, sir. Do you have a desktop or tower case?
Customer: Don’t use that technical s*** with me!
--actual call to a computer tech-support line
ON HAIR STYLIST ADS, NOT ALLURING
NEWBURY STREET COIFFURE.
AN ALTERNATIVE TO
--ad for a Massachusetts hair salon
ON CLICHÉS, PAINFUL
"Everybody is putting their hands to the grindstone."
--Ken Allen, Australian consul general in New York
ON ACTRESSES, DANGEROUS
How to protect your neighborhood against crime and Jennifer Beals, star of The Bride. Live at five.
--from a tease on CBS-TV, New York
ON THAT’S WHY QUOTATION BOOKS ARE SO VITALLY IMPORTANT
"Heartworm is an infectious, life-threatening cardiovascular disease spread by misquotes.
--in a medical article
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!”
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all;
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
Summer's Solstice, by Jade Wah'oo
Ray of Dawn
Awakens the heart
In appreciation of life
This morn of Summer's
Yearning to be filled
With all bliss in the ecstatic
Joy garnered from Earth's
Bless all life brought forth
In the flowers' promise made known
By fruit and bird song
From now on.
Lighten each our heart
That every child is fed and loved;
Embraced in green arms
And bloom bright.
Ray of Dawn:
Summer's Solstice born.
Earth's passionate embrace fulfilled,
Her covenant song
Life and Peace be with You --Cinosam
On a Saturday night several weeks ago, this pastor was working late, and decided to call his wife before he left for home. It was about 10:00 PM, but his wife didn't answer the phone.
The pastor let the phone ring many times. He thought it was odd that she didn't answer, but decided to wrap up a few things and try again in a few minutes. When he tried again she answered right away. He asked her why she hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't rung at their house. They brushed it off as a fluke and went on their merry ways.
The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office, which was the phone that he'd used that Saturday night. The man that he spoke with wanted to know why he'd called on Saturday night.
The pastor couldn't figure out what the man was talking about.
Then the man said, "It rang and rang, but I didn't answer." The pastor remembered the mishap and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended to call his wife.
The man said, "That's, OK. Let me tell you my story.
You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but before I did, I prayed, 'God if you're there, and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now.' At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the caller ID, and it said, 'Almighty God'. I was afraid to answer!"
The reason why it showed on the man's caller ID that the call came from "Almighty God" is because the church that the pastor attends is called Almighty God Tabernacle!!
*Thanks, Gary and Dwight!
I don't think he'll ever come back to the show, and judging from his feelings about being dismissed, he probably never will.
In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, Washington said "I'm saddened by the outcome. I did everything that the producers and the network asked me to do." He also goes on to deny that he's bringing a lawsuit against the show.
But does he have a right to sue the show? He did apologize for what he did -- and even went into counselling. Surely that accounts for something, right? Vote now!
Monday, June 18, 2007
Why Condoms come in boxes of 3, 6 and 12
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March...... .."
Ok. I don't know where to begin because the last 2 days of my life have been such a blur. Yesterday, My youngest daughter Halle who is 4, was rushed to the emergency room by her father for being severely lethargic and incoherent. He was called to her school by the school secretary for being very VERY sick." He told me that when he arrived that Halle was barely sitting in the chair. She couldn't hold her own head up and when he looked into her eyes, she couldn't focus them.
He immediately called me after he scooped her up and rushed her to the ER. When we got there, they ran blood test after blood test and did x-rays, every test imaginable. Her white blood cell count was normal, nothing was out of the ordinary. The ER doctor told us that he had done everything that he could do so he was sending her to Saint Francis for further test. Right when we were leaving in the ambulance, her teacher had come to the ER and after questioning Halle's classmates, we found out that she had licked hand sanitizer off her hand. Hand sanitizer, of all things. But it makes sense. These days they have all kinds of different scents and when you have a curious child, they are going to put all kinds of things in their mouths.
When we arrived at Saint Francis, we told the ER doctor there to check her blood alcohol level, which, yes we did get weird looks from it but they did it. The results were her blood alcohol level was 85% and this was 6 hours after we first took her. There's no telling what it would have been ifwe tested it at the first ER.
Since then, her school and a few surrounding schools have taken this out of the classrooms of all the lower grade classes but what's to stop middle and high schoolers too? After doing research off the internet, we have found out that it only takes 3 squirts of the stuff to be fatal in a toddler.
For her blood alcohol level to be so high was to compare someone her size to drinking something 120 proof. So please PLEASE don't disregard this because I don't ever want anyone to go thru what my family and I have gone thru. Today was a little better but not much. Please send this to everyone you know that has children or are having children. It doesn't matter what age. I just want people to know the dangers of this.
Lacey Butler and family
Here is the link to support the story:
So, it's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:
Is it the right time?
Is anyone watching?
Does your partner even want to?
Is your breath fresh?
And... Should you use some tongue?
Then you lean in and just go for it!!!
A native Minnesotan, and newly graduate high school student moves to Florida and goes into a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota."
Well, the boss liked him and gave t he kid the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65."
The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the marine department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said that he did n't th ink his Honda Civic would be able to pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss, awestruck in misbelief, said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK too?"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing!"
A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends.
'Oh, no!' she suddenly exclaimed. 'Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He'll be so pissed if it's not ready on time.'
When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf. She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it. 'Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day?'
Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified.
'You're going to kill him!' they exclaimed!?
Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, 'You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in!
How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?'
The wife stoically replied, 'I didn't kill him. He fell off the windowsill while he was licking his ass.'
Sunday, June 17, 2007
After tossing her books on the sofa, she decided to grab a snack and get on-line. She logged on under her screen name ByAngel213. She checked her Buddy List and saw GoTo123 was on. She sent him an instant message:
Hi. I'm glad you are on! I thought someone was following me home today. It was really weird!
LOL You watch too much TV. Why would someone be following you? Don't you live in a safe neighborhood?
Of course I do. LOL I guess it was my imagination cuz' I didn't see anybody
when I looked out.
Unless you gave your name out on-line. You haven't done that have you?
Of course not. I'm not stupid you know.
Did you have a softball game after school today?
Yes and we won!!
That's great! Who did you play?
We played the Hornets. LOL. Their uniforms are so gross! They look like bees. LOL
What is your team called?
We are the Canton Cats. We have tiger paws on our uniforms. They are really
Did you pitch?
No I play second base. I got to go. My homework has to be done before my parents get home. I don't want them mad at me. Bye!
Catch you later. Bye
Meanwhile..... GoTo123 went to the member menu and began to search for her profile. When it came up, he highlighted it and printed it out. He took out a pen and began to write down what he knew about Angel so far.
Her name: Shannon
Birthday: Jan. 3, 1 985
State where she lived: North Carolina
Hobbies: softball, chorus, skating and going to the mall. Besides this information, he knew she lived in Canton because she had just told him. He knew she stayed by herself until 6:30 p.m. Every afternoon until her parents came home from work. He knew she played softball on Thursday afternoons on the school team, and the team was named the Canton Cats. Her favorite number 7 was printed on her jersey. He knew she was in the eighth grade at the Canton Junior High School . She had told him all this in the conversations they had on- line. He had enough information to find her now.
Shannon didn't tell her parents about the incident on the way home from the ballpark that day. She didn't want them to make a scene and stop her from walking home from the softball games. Parents were always overreacting and hers were the worst. It made her wish she was not an only child. Maybe if she had brothers and sisters, her parents wouldn't be so overprotective.
By Thursday, Shannon had forgotten about the footsteps following her.
Her game was in full swing when suddenly she felt someone staring at her.. It was then that the memory came back. She glanced up from her second base position to see a man watching her closely.
He was leaning against the fence behind first base and he smiled when she looked at him. He didn't look scary and she quickly dismissed the sudden fear she had felt.
After the game, he sat on a bleacher while she talked to the coach. She noticed his smile once again as she walked past him. He nodded and she smiled back. He noticed her name on the back of her shirt. He knew he had found her.
Quietly, he walked a safe distance behind her. It was only a few blocks to Shannon 's home, and once he saw where sh e lived he quickly returned to the park to get his car.
Now he had to wait. He decided to get a bite to eat until the time came to go to Shannon 's house. He drove to a fast food restaurant and sat there until time to make his move.
Shannon was in her room later that evening when she heard voices in the living room.
"Shannon, come here," her father called. He sounded upset and she couldn't imagine why . She went into the room to see the man from the ballpark sitting on the sofa.
"Sit down," her father began, "this man has just told us a most interesting story about you."
Shannon sat back. How could he tell her parents anything? She had never seen him before today!
"Do you know who I am, Shannon ?" the man asked.
"No," Shannon answered.
"I am a police officer and your online friend, GoTo123."
Shannon was stunned. "That's impossible! GoTo is a kid my age! He's 14. And he lives in Michigan!"
The man smiled. "I know I told you all that, but it wasn't true. You see, Shannon , there are people on-line who pretend to be kids; I was one of them. But while ohers do it to injure kids and hurt them, I belong to a group of parents who do it to protect kids from predators. I came here to find you to teach you how dangerous it is to talk to people on-line. You told me enough about yourself to make it easy for me to find you. You named the school you went to, the name of your ball team and the position you played. The number and name on your jersey just made finding you a breeze."
Shannon was stunned. "You mean you don't live in Michigan ?"
He laughed. "No, I live in Raleigh . It made you feel safe to think I was so far away, didn't it?"
"I had a friend whose daughter was like you. Only she wasn't as lucky. The guy found her and murdered her while she was home alone. Kids are taught not to tell anyone when they are alone, yet they do it all the time on- ine. The wrong people trick you into giving out information a little here and there on-line. Before you know it, you have told them enough for them to find you without even realizing you have done it. I hope you've learned a lesson from this and won't do it again. Tell others about this so they will be safe too?"
"It's a promise!"
That night Shannon and her Dad and Mom all knelt down together and thanked God for protecting Shannon from what could have been a tragic situation.
I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you squeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?
Click above for the answer.
There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Some of these are excellent ...
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?
A: Gucci sweatshirt and Reeboks.
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: By whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere
Phil and Will built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture on a cold winter.
A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.
"Look at that," remarked Phil to Will. "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice."
Regardless of where you stand on the issue of the U.S. involvement in Iraq, here's a sobering statistic:
There has been a monthly average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,112 deaths. That gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.
The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000 persons for the same period. That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. Capital than you are in Iraq.
Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington
The Globe and Mail reported that after having dug to a depth of 10 meters in the area of the Royal Ontario Museum last year, scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by Ontario, in the weeks that followed, Québec scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters in an area bordering the Citadelle and shortly after, headlines in the Le Droit newspapers read: "Quebec archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than Ontario."
One week later, "The Telegram" a St. John's, Newfoundland newspaper, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in tatey fields near Krinkle Kove, Jarge Krump, a self-taughtn archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Jarge has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Newfoundlanders were already using wireless."
Saturday, June 16, 2007
ON REFEREES, NOT PREGNANT
"When he makes a decision, there’s no arms thrown in the air and no gestating."
--Irish soccer star Niall Quinn, on a referee
ON OH, THAT’S WHAT YOU DO WITH FROZEN FOOD
--instructions on a frozen dinner
Sir Stephen Peek, Archduke of Shropshire, created the game of peekaboo for his niece.
Peekaboo goes as far back as ancient Rome. Its exact origins, however, have been difficult to trace, as is the case with most nursery games. Peekaboo is usually played by hiding one’s face behind one’s hands, but using a mask or something big, like a couch or wall, are common variations.
King Louis XIV was a ballet dancer.
Louis XIV, king of France from 1643 to 1715, began dancing in court ballets around the age of 12 and continued to do so until he was about 31, when his weight became a deterrent. The Sun King’s first solo role was in a performance called Cassandre.