A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds; then it comes crashing back down. He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need more tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
A Polish guy married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him- "very quick. " The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLISH GUY: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.
LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLISH GUY: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLISH GUY: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLISH GUY: "All my relations are in Poland."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLISH GUY: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?
POLISH GUY: No, I'm always up before her.
LAWYER: Why do you want this divorce?
POLISH GUY: She going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLISH GUY: I got proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLISH GUY: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read -- it says, "Polish Remover."
10. New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.
9. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.
8. Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fighting over the last beer.
7. In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.
6. Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.
5. Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.
4. Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your cellmate anymore.
3. You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of Mom's personalities.
2. Family discussions usually begin with, "Putthegundown."
1. Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.