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Wednesday, February 01, 2006

THE YEAR'S BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2005:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

  [Imagine that!]

  Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

  [No, really?]

   Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

  [Now that's taking things a bit far!]

  Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

  [Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

   Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

  [What a guy!] 

   Miners Refuse to Work after Death

  [No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

   Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

  [See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

    War Dims Hope for Peace

  [I can see where it might have that effect!]

    If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

  [You think?!]

   Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

  [Who would have thought!]

   Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

  [They may be on to something!]

   Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

  [You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

   Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

  [He probably IS the battery charge]

   New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

  [Weren't they fat enough?!]

   Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

  [That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

   Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

  [Taste like chicken?]

   Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

  [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

   Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

  [Boy, are they tall!]

   And the winner is....

   Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

  [Did I read that sign right?] 

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