Selig confirms Expos' move
By Hal Bodley, USA TODAY
Major League Baseball is returning to Washington, D. C. — on Friday, April 15, 2005, to be exact.
Whether they're the Senators, the Nationals, the Grays. It doesn't matter. Whoever they are they no longer will be the Montreal Expos and after a nine-game road tour they will open at RFK Stadium against the Arizona Diamondbacks.
That became official Wednesday when Commissioner Bud Selig announced the financially strapped franchise, which has been operated by Major League Baseball for three seasons, is moving to our nation's capital. Washington has been without a team since the Senators moved to Texas in 1972, becoming the Rangers.
"After 30 years of waiting and waiting and waiting and lots of hard work and more than a few prayers, there will be baseball in Washington in 2005!" Mayor Anthony Williams, donning a Washington Senators cap, told a jubilant news conference at the City Museum.
The announcement came one day before the 33rd anniversary of the Washington Senators' final game. The team moved to Texas after the 1971 season, which was also the last time a major league team moved.
"Washington, D. C., as our nation's capital, is one of the world's most important cities and Major League Baseball is gratified at the skill and perseverance shown by Mayor Williams throughout this process," Selig said.
Selig said relocation of the team is subject to certain contingencies, including a formal vote (three-quarters needed) of ownership at the next owners meetings Nov. 17-18 in Chicago.
Selig added that passage of legislation by the D.C. Council to provide for financing and construction of a $400 million ballpark on the Anacostia River waterfront in southeast Washington is still needed. MLB has also provided the United States District Court for the southern district of Florida the required notice of MLB's intent to move forward with relocating the team.
The D. C. agreement also includes $14 million financing for the refurbishing of RFK Stadium where the franchise will play until a new stadium is completed.
Selig said MLB will begin to accept and review bids of prospective ownership groups and hopes to have a new owner in place prior to the beginning of the 2005 season.
Negotiations to placate Baltimore Orioles owner Peter Angelos, who has opposed a team being placed in Washington, will resume Friday.
Angelos, in an interview with USA TODAY on Wednesday, said contrary to published reports that no understanding has been reached with Major League Baseball regarding certain financial guarantees to offset the impact of a team in Washington.
"We have not concluded the discussions," said Angelos. "We're still working on a resolution if that's possible."
Angelos wants guarantees to protect his franchise and, in turn, Maryland's investment in Oriole Park at Camden Yards. He has said he's set two goals: protection for the franchise's revenue stream and its asset value.
Those issues were discussed with MLB President Bob DuPuy during a six-hour meeting in Angelos' law office on Tuesday. In addition, the creation of a regional cable TV channel that would feature the Orioles and Washington's team was discussed.
Angelos said he had no problem with Selig announcing relocation before an agreement with the Orioles is completed. "That's their prerogative," he said. "Whether I agree or not is really collateral."
Expos president Tony Tavares said Major League Baseball told him Wednesday his team was moving, shortly before Washington officials planned their own announcement to celebrate the news.
"It's a day when the sun is setting in Montreal, but it's rising in Washington," Tavares told a news conference at Olympic Stadium in Montreal.
"Players are very gratified to have this issue resolved and have a permanent home," said players union chief Don Fehr.
The Expos, who along with the Minnesota Twins, were in baseball's 2001 plan to eliminate two franchises, were purchased by the 29 other owners in February of 2002. Legal hurdles kept MLB from contracting teams.
Las Vegas; Norfolk, Va.; Monterrey, Mexico; Portland, Ore.; and Northern Virginia also made bids, but Washington clearly took the lead during negotiations over recent weeks, strengthened by its wealthy population base and a financial package that would build a new stadium primarily with taxpayers' money.
"It can work in all regards," said former Senators and Orioles player Fred Valentine. "It's going to benefit fans in Baltimore and Washington. People that want to see National League ball can come here, and fans that want to see American League baseball can go to Baltimore. If they have good teams on both fields, they're both going to get their support."
With the announcement made, the process of selling the Expos starts. A group that includes former Rangers partner Fred Malek has been seeking a Washington franchise for five years. In addition, several baseball officials have said in the past week that Stan Kasten, former president of the Atlanta Braves, Hawks and Thrashers, might be trying to assemble a group.
Anticipating critics from those who say city funds shouldn't be used for baseball, Mayor Williams went on the offensive to promote the team's economic benefits.
"It's the team owners, business owners, the stadium users who are paying for this — and not one dime of a D.C. resident is covering this important investment in our city," Williams said.
Washington needed confirmation from baseball this week because the ballpark legislation has to be introduced in the City Council by Friday in order for it to be passed by Dec. 31, when terms expire for several pro-baseball council members.
Even now, some members of the council think the deal might not pass because it is perceived as too generous to baseball in a city that struggles to fund adequate schools and city services.
"I think everybody is excited about baseball coming to the District," Councilman Adrian Fenty said. "Very few District residents are excited about a full subsidy to pay for this stadium. ... At the end of the day, you're not going to have seven council members support it."
The original Senators played in Washington from 1901-60 before moving to Minnesota to become the Twins. The expansion Senators called Washington home from 1961-71 before moving to Texas and becoming the Rangers.
Wednesday's game against Florida was the 2,786th for the Expos in the city, according the Elias Sports Bureau. That includes 641 at Jarry Park, where the team started play in 1969, and 2,145 at Olympic Stadium, where the Expos moved to in 1977.
The wait for a baseball team is over. The debate over the name begins.
With the Montreal Expos headed to the nation's capital, ideas for a suitable nickname for a baseball team at the seat of government are already a hot topic, ranging from the majestic Washington Monuments to the silly Washington Leakers.
Of course, Washington Senators will be the sentimental favorite. The original Senators played in Washington from 1901-60 before moving to Minnesota to become the Twins, and the expansion Senators were in town from 1961-71 before moving to Texas to become the Rangers.
The Rangers, however, retained the rights to the "Washington Senators" name, so a deal would have to be struck to buy the moniker back.
Mayor Anthony Williams offered his own solution Wednesday, suggesting the team be called the Washington Grays a tribute to the Homestead Grays, a Negro League team that won nine championships playing in Washington in the 1930s and 1940s.
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Selig confirms Expos' move
Sending email to family and friends is a fantastic way to communicate. There are no long-distance telephone charges and the recipient doesn't have to be right by the phone to get your message. What is really great about it is that you can send jokes, pictures and other files but that is where some people get into trouble. Here are some guidelines for email etiquette.
Keep It Short
If you want your email to be read, keep it short and straight to the point. Format long messages so that it can be scanned by using paragraph headers, just like these tips have been formatted.
Ask Before Sending Attachments
Some people will not open attachments because of the virus risk so why send them if they won't be opened?
Don't Send Huge Files
That 2.5 MB video may be the greatest thing since the invention of the computer but people on slow dial up connections may be get upset if you send it.
On a slow connection, a 2 MB file takes around 15 minutes to download. If you have permission to send attachments don't send files larger than 100 KB to dial up users unless you ask first.
Remove The Junk
There is nothing worse than trying to read something with six forward signs (>>>>>>) in front of each line and all the past forwarding headers. If the joke is that great that you want to share it, clean it up.
And Speaking of Jokes
Did you ask if they the recipient wants jokes forwarded to them? (That was the main reason I started 'OZ'... that way, my friends can read them at their leisure). You don't have to forward every one that you come across! Send jokes that you know that the receiver would enjoy. Also be sure to ask the recipient if they want jokes that are colorful in nature because they might not care for them or they have kids that use the same email program.
Use The BCC Option Whenever Possible
When sending an email to a group of people, use the BCC option instead of CC option so that everyone won't see the long list of email addresses on the email. This should be done for safety reasons because stalkers have infiltrated groups of friends by seeing a group of email addresses, then sending to one of the people saying they know the other person. Using the CC option and then forwarding with other headers produces a long list of email addresses that spammers would love to get their hands on.
I love to get pictures from family and friends! To me this is one of the greatest features of Internet! If you want to send a lot of pictures to many people, why not create a photo album online? That way you can just send the address to your friends, then they can go look!
Remember that when a person reads an email they can't see your facial expressions. Add a smile face :) or a frown :( so that the reader can tell your mood when you wrote something. For example, "That Linda is something else" can be clarified by adding a smile face if you mean it joking or with a frown if you are trying to convey that Linda is a disappointment.
Don't Give Out Other People's Email Address
Don't Get Mad
Did you send a joke and not get a reply? How high of an email volume does this person have? As for myself, I get on average 200 email messages a day (spam, discussion groups, jokes and business email). If I replied to every single message I would never be off the computer.
Two Newfies were in a locker room taking a shower after their cod fishing trip, when one noticed the other had a huge cork stuck in his butt.
"If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?
"I regret I cannot", lamented the first fisherman. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first fisherman said, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a beautiful Genie came boiling out.
She said, 'I am a Genie. I can grant you one wish.'" I said, "No shit?"
A Polish guy married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him- "very quick. " The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLISH GUY: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.
LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLISH GUY: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLISH GUY: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLISH GUY: "All my relations are in Poland."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLISH GUY: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?
POLISH GUY: No, I'm always up before her.
LAWYER: Why do you want this divorce?
POLISH GUY: She going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLISH GUY: I got proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLISH GUY: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read -- it says, "Polish Remover."
*Thanks, Auntie 'M'
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
With William Hung's Soon-to-Be-Released Christmas EP,
'Hung for the Holidays' - In-Stores on October 19th
NEW YORK, NY--(MARKET WIRE)--Sep 23, 2004 -- There's no better way to celebrate the upcoming holiday season than to enjoy some holiday classics sung by America's favorite idol, William Hung! Get ready to deck the halls and trim your tree just a little earlier than usual as KOCH Records announces the release "Hung for the Holidays," a newly-recorded Christmas EP which is set to hit record stores on October 19th.
Universally known for his now-legendary rendition of Ricky Martin's "She Bangs" on the Fox "American Idol" auditions, Hung became an overnight pop culture phenomenon. Since that time, Hung has become one of the most sought-after performers in the world. "Inspiration," Hung's KOCH Records/FUSE debut album has sold over 200,000 copies stateside and continues to sell week in, week out. Concurrently, Hung has performed "She Bangs" on a host of national TV programs including "The Tonight Show," "The Ellen Show," "The Today Show" and countless others.
"Hung for the Holidays" is chock-full of holiday magic and features some Christmas carol favorites plus some holiday thoughts by Hung.
Alan Grunblatt, Executive Vice President/General Manager of KOCH, comments, "People have been buzzing about this release for a while now. The KOCH Records website has been getting an amazing amount of requests for a William Christmas album so we said to ourselves, hey, that sounds great, let's give the people what they want!"
The EP is set to retail for $7.98 and will contain a hidden bonus track of Hung's pulverizing rendition of Queen's "We Are The Champions." For a limited time, the EP will also include a fold-out Christmas ornament.
The confirmed track listing is as follows:
1. Holiday Greetings & Wishes
2. Deck the Halls
3. O Come All Ye Faithful
4. Greeting: Holiday Reminder
5. Silver Bells
6. Little Drummer Boy
7. Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer
8. Winter Wonderland
9. Greeting: Hopes & Dreams
10. Hidden Bonus Track "We Are the Champions",/p>
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee.
They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away.
Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that.
After finishing, they then made off for home.
The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing, said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her ass that said, "From All of Us At the Fire Station, We'll Never Forget You."
*Thanks, Auntie 'M'
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds; then it comes crashing back down. He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need more tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
Monday, September 27, 2004
OUT WITH IN WITH
NBC announced Monday that Conan O'Brien will take over from Jay Leno as host of "The Tonight Show." But he'll have time to write his jokes -- the planned succession won't happen until 2009.
The announcement solves a delicate problem for NBC, which realized O'Brien was getting antsy in his "Late Night" time slot (12:35 a.m. Eastern) and wanted to keep him from jumping to another network.
Leno planned to make the announcement on Monday's edition of "Tonight," a special celebration of the talk show's 50th anniversary.
"In 2009, I'll be 59 years old and will have had this dream job for 17 years," Leno said. "When I signed my new contract, I felt that the timing was right to plan for my successor and there is no one more qualified than Conan."
"Plus, I promised Mavis I would take her out for dinner before I turned 60," the notoriously workaholic Leno said about his wife.
Leno took over from Johnny Carson on "Tonight" in 1992 and after a few years of trailing the man he beat out for the job in the ratings -- David Letterman -- he passed the CBS star and has been dominant in the time slot.
An unknown at the time, O'Brien had the thankless job of taking over from Letterman on "Late Night," and he was nearly fired after several weeks of painful shows. But he recovered and has been a critical and commercial success.
But O'Brien has openly talked about wanting to move on and, in the late-night world, that means an earlier time slot.
The seriousness of an already critical flaw in the way a Microsoft component processes JPEG files got ratcheted up a notch this week. If you haven't already applied the patch for this vulnerability -- as confusing as the process is -- it's time to get on it now.
Handlers at the SANS Institute reported getting a copy of a JPEG exploit toolkit over the weekend. The toolkit is designed to automate the process of exploiting the flaw described in security bulletin MS04-028. The kit uses the hole to compromise the system by creating a buffer overflow condition. It allows an attacker to create a JPEG file that could potentially take over users' systems.
The SANS Institute handlers on duty were not particularly impressed with the first generation of the tool, but they warn, "As with all of these, they have a [tendency] to get better real fast."
The history of this flaw is one of a quickly escalating threat. Microsoft released the bulletin for the flaw in its JPEG processing component on Sept. 14. It is a critical flaw for many Microsoft products and can allow a remote attacker to take over a victim's computer. Because the technology exists in so many products, just getting through the bulletin to figure out which products are vulnerable is a chore. The process is further complicated by the vague warning that third-party products that use Microsoft's component may be affected. But Microsoft had not provided a list of those applications or a tool that looks beyond Microsoft products for the vulnerable products.
While early commentators pegged the bulletin as more complicated than dangerous, the situation changed later last week when exploit code for the problem was released. The complexity of the fix exacerbates the problem. A higher proportion of users than usual may be skipping this bulletin because it's so difficult to work through. What's more, the complex interdependencies mean many users who apply the patch to some of their software but not to other vulnerable programs will still be at risk when they think they are safe.
Microsoft lists the problem as critical for Windows XP, Windows XP with Service Pack 1, Windows Server 2003, Internet Explorer 6 with Service Pack 1, Outlook 2002, Outlook 2003, the .NET Framework 1.0 with Service Pack 2 and the .NET Framework 1.1. It qualifies as an important security problem for dozens of other Microsoft products.
View the Microsoft bulletin here.
Microsoft warned that several third-party applications may also use the flawed component. The SANS Institute on Thursday also provided a GDI Scanner, which helps administrators find third-party versions of the component on their systems. A link to the tool is available from the SANS site.
Relax, the news is good. Queer fave SpongeBob SquarePants is sticking around for more shiny happy fun.
Nickelodeon has ordered 20 new episodes of the popular Emmy-nominated 'toon.
That should put to rest the rumors that Nick intended to scrub the little guy and his bizarro crustracean cohorts off its schedule after the debut of SpongeBob SquarePants: The Movie on Nov. 19.
The new episodes will again feature the original voice cast of Tom Kenny as SpongeBob, Bill Fagerbakke, Rodger Bumpass, Clancy Brown and Carolyn Lawrence.
The Guvernator hasn't given up on the Terminator. We can tell you that Schwarzenegger is in talks about making an appearance in Terminator 4. The project has emerged from development and is set to rise into production in 2005.
No word yet though on whether Nick Stahl and Claire Danes have been approached.
I've got to tell you I have very mixed feelings about the outing of Sex in the City's Cynthia Nixon.
It is so important to have positive queer role models, but, on the other hand, shouldn't have been her decision when to go public? It's not as though she's some right wing politician who is closeted and votes against us every time a bill comes up in congress.
Last week the NYC tabloids declared Nixon has been seeing a woman for almost 10 months.
Cynthia is keeping mum, hopefully, one day, she'll set the record queer or straight herself.
She split from longtime male partner Danny Mozes, the father of her two children, in June 2003. The couple, who never married, reportedly remain friendly and share custody of Samatha, 8, and Charles, who will turn 2 in December.
OKI, now I've heard everything. Wacko Jacko was the subject of a scholarly conference on the pop star at Yale University last week.
Yale! Kids! Jackson! ...oh my!
Eighteen scholars from across the country discussed sexual, racial and artistic aspects of Jackson's life and music in the first academic meeting to study him.
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500's:
And Now We Go Back In Time
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then, the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water".
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood under-neath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs, etc) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip off the roof.
Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs".
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.
Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt!! Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying "dirt poor".
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way.
Hence the saying a "thresh hold".
Getting quite an education, aren't you?
In the old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old".
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon".
They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and"chew the fat".
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes. So for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust".
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbiber out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait if they would wake up.
Hence the custom of holding a "wake".
England is old and small and the local folk started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and re-use the grave. When re-opening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tied to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer".
And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History was boring!!
*Thanks, Daryn =)
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
53 to flame the spell checkers
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...
another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"
109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped
111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
44 to ask what is a "FAQ"
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....
get the point? heehee
*Thanks, Daryn :o)
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.
8. Sometimes we Just Need to Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are...
You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
9. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."
10. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
11. Never pass up an opportunity to potty.
12. If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!
And Finally... Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
Sunday, September 26, 2004
There have been problems with Photobucket, where the Wizard has stored the majority of pictures as of late. Thus, there are some pictures that currentley will not load. Photobucket has been the recipient of a Ddos attack, (Distributed denial-of-service), where many computers infected with a virus are slamming the servers at Photobucket.
No need to worry. You can still browse 'OZ'. You will not get the virus doing so. In the meantime, they have advised me that the situation will be corrected as soon as possible.
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE. . . .
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN . . . .
1. Going! bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
6. A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEK . . . . .
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, Champagne in one hand - strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOO HOO - What a Ride!"
Saturday, September 25, 2004
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4.My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12 My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."
*Thanks, Auntie 'M'
You might be "metrosexual" if:
1. You just can't walk past a Banana Republic store without making a purchase.
2. You own 20 pairs of shoes, half a dozen pairs of sunglasses, just as many watches and you carry a man-purse.
3. You see a stylist instead of a barber, because barbers don't do highlights.
4. You can make her lamb shanks and risotto for dinner and Eggs Benedict for breakfast... all from scratch.
5. You only wear Calvin Klein boxer-briefs.
6. You shave more than just your face. You also exfoliate and moisturize.
7. You would never, ever own a pickup truck.
8. You can't imagine a day without hair styling products.
9. You'd rather drink wine than beer... but you'll find out what estate and vintage first.
10. Despite being flattered (even proud) that gay guys hit on you, you still find the thought of actually getting intimate with another man truly repulsive.
"Some people think he's gay, but he's actually metrosexual."
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
SASKATOON - Same-sex marriages will be allowed in Nova Scotia following a ruling Friday morning that said banning them is unconstitutional—and Saskatchewan may soon follow suit.
Sept. 24, 2004: Nova Scotia legalizes same-sex marriages
So far, same-sex marriage is also allowed in Yukon, British Columbia, Ontario, Quebec and Manitoba, but couples in Saskatchewan still have no legal right to do it.
Danielle Lanouette and Francois Hetu, from Saskatoon, have been a couple for more than two years. They are not planning to get married yet but they say same-sex couples who want to get married should have the legal right to do so.
"It's a recognition of our relationships and this is probably the most important thing to me. We are often seen as marginalized people...and to be able to access the institution of marriage, for a lot of gay and lesbian people, it's ending the state of marginalization."
Saskatchewan's Justice Minister Frank Quennell says he's waiting for a same-sex couple to go to court. He says the province won't stand in their way but he wants a judge to rule.
"It is clearly federal jurisdiction," says Quennell. "In the absence of a court decision, we are reluctant to enter into it unilaterally...we want to respect the certainty of marriages. We don't want a situation we see in the States where we see one thing and the federal government says something else and people who were married are no longer married. "
Lanouette says having the right to marry will give same-sex couples something they've always fought for.
"They will feel 'I'm part of this Canadian family and I'm accepted' and one way to show this acceptance is to say you can get married just like anyone else in Canada."
Acceptance might come soon as Saskatchewan's marriage act is expected to be challenged in the courts in the next couple of weeks. Without any opposition from the province, same-sex marriages in Saskatchewan could soon be legal.
Friday, September 24, 2004
King's final 'Dark Tower' sees the light of day
NEW YORK — Stephen King has written more than 40 books but says he never was troubled by a deadline until his latest novel.
The Dark Tower VII:
The Dark Tower is the final volume in Stephen King's epic fantasy-western series.
The Dark Tower VII: The Dark Tower, published Tuesday, on the author's 57th birthday, is the final volume in King's epic fantasy/Western.
Set in a mystical Mid-World and a vampire-populated New York, it has been called his magnum opus. One character, a writer named Stephen King, dies after a traffic accident.
It took the real Stephen King 34 years and 3,872 pages to reveal what Roland Deschain, the last gunslinger in a world that has lost its sense of time, finds at the end of his quest. (No plot spoiling here.)
King says he couldn't stop tinkering with the 845-page Dark Tower VII (Grant/Scrib-ner, $49), until his publisher "ripped the manuscript from me. ... I didn't want it done. You don't have to dig too deeply to get at the psychology."
The series grew out of short stories he began in 1970. He wrote the final three volumes after he was nearly killed in 1999 by what he calls "a close encounter with a Plymouth minivan" while walking in Maine. Had it not been for his reminder of mortality, he's not sure when he would have finished: "It would have been something I put off." Now, "I'm just glad I lived to finish it."
In recent years, King has talked about retiring. "If you have read these last three Dark Tower volumes, you'll see that my talk of retirement makes more sense in this context," he writes in an author's note. "In a sense, there's nothing left to say now that Roland has reached his goal."
But that was written a year ago when King says he felt "flat, empty, used up. I've moved on.
"It's like a person who says he's going to die, makes his will, arranges the funeral, buys the coffin, and then he doesn't die."
King was very much alive during an interview Saturday at Yankee Stadium while watching his beloved Boston Red Sox lose, rather ineptly, to the New York Yankees. He and novelist Stewart O'Nan are writing an account of the ups and downs of this season's Red Sox, titled Faithful.
King also is working with rocker John Mellencamp on a musical, Ghostbrothers. Since finishing The Dark Tower, he has written a novel and begun another but isn't sure if he'll publish them.
He says he won't stop writing even though he's tired of the publishing business and being "treated like a product." Still, he has another project in mind.
Last year, he released a revised version of The Gunslinger, the first Dark Tower volume, which lacked an editor and, in retrospect, showed signs of a young writer trying "too hard to say something important and sound smart," he says.
In the next 10 years, "if I'm still alive," King says he wants to rewrite the other early books in the series and reissue them in two or three massive volumes. "It's really one big book."
Like any prize, the value is counted as income; winners must pay up to $7,000 or forfeit the car.
NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - Leave it to Uncle Sam to spoil the party.
When Oprah Winfrey gave away 276 cars last week to the audience of her show, images of people laughing, jumping, crying -- some hysterically -- filled the airwaves and the give-away became stuff of legend. Late night talk show hosts and newspaper columnists are still talking about it.
But now some of those eager prize-winners have a choice: Fork over $7,000 or give up the car.
According to a spokeswomen for Harpo Productions Inc., Oprah's company, the recipients must pay a tax on the winnings, just like any prize.
For a brand new Pontiac G-Six, the model given away on the show, the sticker price is $28,500. The $28,500 would need to be claimed as income so, depending on the individuals tax bracket, the tax could be as high as $7,000. And that was after Pontiac agreed to pay most of the local charges, including state sales tax and licensing fees.
The Harpo Spokeswomen said winners had three choices. They could keep the car and pay the tax, sell the car and pay the tax with the profits or forfeit the car.
(Taipei, Taiwan) Elton John was in no mood for a gaggle of paparazzi when his private plane touched down in Taipei in the early morning hours. As the press photographers jostled for pictures of the pop star emerging from the aircraft Sir Elton let lose with a torrent of angry words.
Exhausted from a long flight on the second leg of his Asian tour he had hoped to slip quietly into the city overnight but the tabloid media were lying in wait.
"You're nothing but a bunch of rude, vile pigs," he yelled at them as they swarmed him, clicking dozens of pictures. "Rude vile pigs. Do you know what that means? Rude vile pigs. That's what all of you are."
One of the photographers shouted back that he should get out of Taiwan if he didn't like the press. Sir Elton replied: "We'd love to get out of Taiwan if it's full of people like you. Pig! Pig!"
Only a few police officers were on hand, and unable to separate the star from the picture hungry photographers. In a statement later John said that that the Taipei police failed to restrain the throng and protect him "from the ensuing chaos."
Newsfilm of the incident was repeatedly played throughout the day on ETTV cable news. It showed John, dressed in a royal blue track suit and sunglasses, lashing out at the photographers. Then waiting to clear immigration it showed it him with his teeth clenched, arms crossed over his chest and swearing under his breath.
His spokesperson said that police should have known there would be trouble.
"No sooner had he disembarked from the aircraft, he was led into the public immigration area of the airport which was immediately besieged by hordes of photographers and live TV crews intent upon disrupting his progress," she said.
"The local police and security at the airport failed to protect Elton John from the ensuing chaos.
Later, at his concert, he told fans that the photographers at the airport were the rudest people he'd ever met during his travels around the world. He said he meant every word he said to them.
It is not the first time the 57-year-old singer has lost his temper in public. In a now infamous scene in the film documentary Tantrums And Tiaras, made by his partner David Furnish, John went into a tantrum when a female fan waved at him and shouted "Yoo hoo!" on the tennis court of his French Riviera hotel.
He stormed off court saying: "I'm never coming back to the south of France again."
Thursday, September 23, 2004
Federal regulators in the US have fined the CBS TV network a record $706,023 CDN for Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction" in February.
The singer exposed her right breast during a dance routine with Justin Timberlake at this year's Super Bowl reports BBC online.
Now the FCC (Federal Communications Commission) has fined 20 CBS-owned TV stations the maximum penalty for indecency - $35,299 CDN- each.
The fine is the largest ever levied against a US television broadcaster.
However, the agency's five commissioners decided not to fine CBS's affiliate stations - more than 200 in all - which also aired the show.
The breast-baring incident generated a record number of complaints - more than 500,000 - and CBS was quick to apologise.
Timberlake blamed the exposure on a "wardrobe malfunction", while Jackson said it had been an accident.
In March she told chat show host David Letterman a second piece of material had been in place to conceal her breast when Timberlake ripped off her bustier.
Sony this week unveils its PlayStation Portable which it says will revolutionise the handheld gaming market.
Sony Computer Entertainment CEO Ken Kutaragi said the PSP would go on sale in Japan later this year.
Kutaragi said it would be launched in the rest of the world next spring - but declined to reveal the selling price.
He wants to first see how gamers react when it's shown with playable games for the first time at this week's Tokyo Game Show.
Kutaragi said 22 games would be at the event, including New Ridge Racer and Metal Gear Acid. More than 100 games are being planned for the sales date.
The PSP is about the size of a VHS video tape and most of the surface area is taken up with the display for high-quality video as well as games.
"You will see the PSP is totally different from mobile devices that have been around up to now," Kutaragi said.
Sony has also revealed a smaller book-size PlayStation 2 which goes on sale worldwide next month.
The downsized PlayStation 2, which weighs half of the current model at about 900 grams, will cost $149 US in the United States and about $200 in Canada.
PlayStation 2 is the dominant game system around the world and claims to control about 80% of the market in Japan and Europe and about 47% in the US.
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, f*ckin' beautiful!'"
The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.
It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
In little Johnny's class at school, there's this kid with no arms or legs called Philip. Johnny knocks at the door of Philip's house and asks if Philip can come out to play soldiers.
"Johnny, you know full well that Philip hasn't got any arms or legs" says his mother.
"Yeah, I know that," says Johnny - "I was going to use him as a sandbag."
A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked little Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."
"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?"
"He went blue, held his chest and moaned aaaaarrrrrrggg, and collapsed."
"Okay, class, we're going to play a game today," said the third grade teacher. "I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."
She then goes around the room asking each child.
Mikey says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework."
The teacher says, "Very good, Mikey."
Clair says, "The sky is very dark, perhaps it's going to rain."
The teacher says, "Very good, Clair."
Little Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna shit on the piano."
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
WASHINGTON - The singer formerly known as Cat Stevens is forbidden from flying into the United States because of his alleged association with possible terrorists, U.S. officials said Wednesday in explaining why a London-to-Washington flight carrying the peace activist was diverted.
The claim was disputed by the brother of the London-born singer, who changed his name to Yusuf Islam more than 25 years ago.
David Gordon said his brother has condemned terrorist acts and donates money to terrorism victims. "He just wants to be an ambassador for peace," said Gordon, who lives in Princeton, N.J., and serves as Islam's business manager.
Ironically, Islam, while in Washington last May, met with officials of the White House Office of Faith-Based and Community Initiatives "to talk about philanthropic work," according to White House spokeswoman Claire Buchan.
The office is located across Pennsylvania Avenue from the White House. Buchan said that was before Islam was added to the no-fly list.
United Airlines Flight 919 was en route to Dulles International Airport on Tuesday when U.S. officials reviewing the passenger list discovered Islam was aboard. The aircraft was diverted to Maine's Bangor International Airport, where federal agents met the plane and interviewed Islam.
He was placed on a plane back to London on Wednesday. Gordon said Islam's 21-year-old daughter, Maymanah, was allowed to stay in the country.
Meantime, there was confusion about how someone on the government's "no-fly list" was allowed to board a plane. Airline personnel are supposed to check passengers' names against people on the list. Anyone who matches is to be kept off flights.
United spokesman Jeff Green said the airline followed procedures in checking Islam's name, and it wasn't on the list.
"The information did not match," Green said.
Green and Homeland Security Department spokesman Dennis Murphy said the airline and the government are working together to figure out what happened. It's possible Islam's name was spelled differently on the list, Homeland Security officials conceded.
Under rules imposed following the Sept. 11 attacks, once an international flight is bound for the United States, passenger information is forwarded to U.S. officials. The amount of data varies, but can include name, address, flight details, seat location, form of payment and meal preference.
U.S. authorities use the information to run a more thorough check against government watch lists. That's when authorities discovered that Islam was on the plane.
Unlike airline workers, law enforcement officers are trained to look for names that sound like those on the watch list or are spelled differently than the ones on the watch list, Homeland Security spokesman Garrison Courtney said.
The Transportation Security Administration, which is part of the Homeland Security Department, announced plans Tuesday to take over the task of checking names against watch lists before passengers get on planes. The agency is developing a computerized system that will compare passenger data with the watch lists for domestic flights only.
U.S. authorities provided few details about Islam's alleged connection to terrorism.
Homeland Security spokesman Brian Doyle would only say that the intelligence community has recently obtained information that "further heightens concern" about Islam.
"Yusuf Islam has been placed on the watch lists because of activities that could potentially be related to terrorism," Doyle said. "It's a serious matter."
A second government official, who also spoke on condition of anonymity, said U.S. authorities think donations from Islam may have ended up helping to fund blind sheik Omar Abdel-Rahman, convicted for a plot to bomb New York City landmarks, and Hamas, a Palestinian militant group considered a terrorist organization by the United States.
In July 2000, Islam was deported hours after arriving in Jerusalem. A local paper reported then that the government claimed he had delivered tens of thousands of dollars to Hamas during a visit in 1988. Islam denied ever knowingly supporting Islamic terrorists.
The Council on American-Islamic Relations at a news conference Wednesday said the deportation "sends a message to the Islamic world that even those who seek peace and condemn terror are not fit to enter the United States."
Islam, born Stephen Georgiou, took Cat Stevens as a stage name and had a string of hits in the 1960s and '70s, including "Wild World" and "Morning Has Broken." Last year he released two songs, including a re-recording of his hit "Peace Train," to express his opposition to the U.S.-led war in Iraq.
He abandoned his music career in the late 1970s and changed his name after being persuaded by orthodox Muslim teachers that his lifestyle was forbidden by Islamic law.
Wizard's Note... Any similarity? You decide!
Is Bert a fair-weather friend, when it comes to terrorism?
Has he left Bin-Laden for the Cat-Man?
What is the difference between bits and bytes?
Dear Happy Wonderer,
The terms bit and byte are common in computer networking. Both terms refer to digital data transmitted over a network connection. For example, bits and bytes both may represent network addresses or port numbers.
A bit is a single numeric value, either '1' or '0', that encodes a single unit of digital information. A byte is a sequence of bits; usually eight bits equal one byte.
For example, in Internet Protocol (IP) networking, IP addresses contain 32 bits or 4 bytes. The bits encode the network address so that it can be shared on the network. The bytes divide the bits into groups.
The IP address 192.168.0.1, for instance, is encoded with the following bits and bytes:
11000000 10100100 00000000 00000001
Bits are grouped into bytes to, generally speaking, increase the efficiency of computer hardware, including network equipment, disks and memory.
Oh, and also... The term "bps" specifies network bandwidth in bits per second. The term "Bps", (with a capital 'B'), specifies network bandwidth in bytes per second.
Hope this helps.
CROWN POINT, INDIANA -- police have reopened a case of a man who died from 32 hammer blows to his head. The cause of death had been ruled a suicide. The County coroner's opinion stated that a man simply could not remain conscious long enough to hit himself in the head 32 times. (Editor's note - gee ya think?)
PALM SPRINGS, CALIFORNIA - When Jesus returns he'll have more than enough mad money for a new Ferrari or nice place to call home. That's because Ernest Digweed, who died sixteen years ago, left his entire estate to Jesus Christ, the Jesus Christ. The State Trustee Office was instructed to invest his money in government bonds, guaranteeing Jesus a total yield of $615,820 by the end of the century. Digweed's heirs are contesting the will, and have offered an unusual solution: an insurance policy in the same amount payable to Jesus upon his return. Since then, another problem has cropped up. Two individuals, each claiming to be Jesus have filed claims for the money...
UTICA, NY - Dayle Nisi was hospitalized after going skinny dipping at a nearby lake. In a fresh water version of Jaws, a giant snapping turtle used part of Nisi's anatomy as a meal. Nasi later stated, "I felt this excruciating pain in my groin and when I got my bearings, I realized a turtle had bitten my testicles and swam away with them. It's not a nice feeling, I'll tell you that." (future Darwin award hopeful)
VASSAR COLLEGE - A male student slipped a date rape drug into his girl's drink and mistakenly drank from the spiked drink himself. When the girl realized what had happened, she took him back to her room and sodomized him with a "strap-on utensil". Later, the male student dropped charges against his one time girlfriend after consulting with his lawyer.
MADRID, SPAIN - It was an embarrassing ordeal as one man's desire for safe sex got him stuck for four hours. After a long night on the town with his girlfriend, a 23-year old man put some coins into a condom machine outside a pharmacy. When nothing came out, the man pounded impatiently on the machine then stuck his hand in the opening to try to pull the condom package out. Two of his fingers became caught inside. For the next few hours he was the brunt of humiliating comments from passers-by while he and his girlfriend tried unsuccessfully to pry his hand loose.
AMSTERDAM - Two intoxicated men were fined $480 for urinating on passengers and airplane seats while aboard separate flights to Amsterdam.
PADERBORN, GERMANY - Peter Howeler has been dubbed the "Bungling Bank Robber" after screwing up a bank robbery and then some. The stupid criminal, In his attempt to hide his gun from the guard on duty, he shoved the firearm into his back pocket, and discharged it into his left buttock. After being rushed to a local hospital, he was later charged with attempted robbery.
CANCUN, MEXICO - Rita Garcia, jealous over her estranged husband Pedro's way with the women, broke into her his apartment and located his unused condoms in a drawer. She carefully opened a condom and peppered chili powder in one, resealed it perfectly and then waited for the results. After a moment of passion with his 19-year-old girlfriend Pedro was rushed to the hospital with his manhood on "fire". Rita, upon her being charged with second degree assault said, "He wanted hot sex with that 19-year-old and he got it."
NEW ORLEANS - The head of the New Orleans police force has decided that two officers found guilty of receiving medals for a lifesaving rescue will be suspended. In February, the officers reported that they saved a woman from drowning in her car after it overturned into a canal last August. Four residents said they, rather than the officers, rescued the young woman, and witnesses said police officers did not arrive at the scene until after the victim had been pulled out of the canal and revived.
MANASSAS, VIRGINIA - Wayne Snider planned a heist down to the last detail. The plan was to hold up an armored car as it made its pickup at a local bowling alley. Right on schedule, Snider rushed up to the driver, flashed a gun at him and screamed, "Give it up!" The startled driver looked around inside the vehicle and finally handed the stupid criminal a large sack. It took Snider several minutes but eventually he realized a terrible mistake had been made. Instead of holding up the armored car he had robbed a laundry truck. The sack contained a bunch of dirty mop heads.
MIAMI BEACH, FL - Police are looking for a "butcher" with no medical training who, while posing as a plastic surgeon, mutilated at least three people, including a former male champion bodybuilder who received women's breasts instead of pectoral implants. The imposter, Reinaldo Silvestre, and two accomplices used an animal tranquilizer in botched operations including the one preformed on bodybuilder, Mr. Mexico of 1975. The case came to light last month when a videotape was brought to police showing the surgery on the bodybuilder. Miami Beach police Capt. Charles Press spoke about the videotape "... it was obscene. I've been [a police officer] for almost 25 years, and I was repulsed. The guy kept waking up. They told him to lie down and not worry about it. He was in obvious pain." The videotape showed that Silvestre used an instrument that resembled a spatula during the surgery. It also showed him jamming the implants into the man's chest with his fingers.
LA CROSSE, WISCONSIN - Police arrested a suspect who accosted a woman near an automatic teller machine with a knife. The stupid criminal told police that he wasn't trying to rob her-- he only wanted to sell her the knife....
FAYETTEVILLE, ARK - A football fan with a cellular phone in his pocket equipped with one-touch buttons called the 911 emergency number 35 times by standing up and sitting down while cheering. Police eventually traced it to Razorback Stadium where the man was held for questioning and scolded..
Roy Sullivan, the forest ranger who enjoys the record for being struck by lightning five times, is still at it. He now has two more strikes to his credit. Actually, he was hit again on the shoulder, and the seventh and latest hit set his hair on fire for a record third time, and singed his clothing. "Some people are allergic to flowers", says Sullivan. "I'm allergic to lightning." (Future Darwin award hopeful)
MARSHFIELD, WISCONSIN - A man will spend 20 days in jail for urinating on an ATM machine. Apparently James Turley became frustrated when the machine wouldn't give him any money and proceeded to pee all over the machine. Unfortunately, for Turley, a security camera recorded the whole thing in living color. A judge placed him on probation for three years and ordered him not to carry an ATM card.
LEEDS, ENGLAND - Colin Wilson burst into a fast food restaurant at closing time brandishing a wooden table leg as a weapon and demanding money. The restaurant manager, who was standing near the deep fryer, simply reached over and yanked the fry basket out of the hot grease and whacked Wilson across the face with it. The stupid criminal beat a hasty retreat toward the door. He was arrested a short time later after a nearby hospital tipped police that they had a patient with an outline of a French fry basket burned into his forehead. (Future Darwin award hopeful)
THE CAYMAN ISLANDS - Jason Randall dialed what he thought was the number of his drug dealer to buy some cocaine. Unfortunately he dialed the wrong number, and reached the deputy chief of the police department's drug task force, who decided to play along and set up a meeting to make the deal. Randall showed up and was promptly arrested.
ANOKA, MINN - Jan Steffen, 33, a hair stylist got five years in prison for trying to hire a hit man to kill her husband after she allegedly botched two attempts herself. During one of the attempts, Steffen used an exotic method of asphyxiation she saw on TV's "Matock."