Matthew Shepard Killer Seeks Lighter Sentence For Hate Crime

(Cheyenne, Wyoming) One of the men convicted of murdering Matthew Shepard five years ago should not be given a chance to argue for a lighter sentence the Wyoming Attorney General has told a court.

In a bid to avoid the death penalty, Russell Henderson pleaded guilty murder and kidnapping in Shepard's death and received two consecutive life terms without parole.

Last month Henderson filed a petition alleging the state's appellate lawyers "failed even to consult with (Henderson) regarding any of his rights as provided by law following a guilty plea."

The petition also said Henderson should be allowed to argue that his sentence was disproportionate to others serving time for similar crimes.

It argues that if the court finds Henderson was denied effective assistance that a one-year clock be restarted for filing a request for sentence reduction.

In a brief filed with the court Friday the state said that the petition should be dismissed. The brief, prepared by Assistant Attorney General Melissa Swearingen said that Henderson fails to offer claim of error in the conviction process. That relief can come only when there is a strong suggestion of a miscarriage of justice, she wrote.

She also pointed out that Henderson pleaded guilty with no strings attached and understood he wouldn't be allowed to withdraw the plea if sentencing didn't go the way he wanted.

"The petition should be dismissed … because the ultimate relief Mr. Henderson is seeking is simply not available under Wyoming statute," Swearingen wrote.

The second man convicted of Shepard's murder, Aaron McKinney, is serving two life sentences for the killing.

During their trial the court heard that Henderson and McKinney, both 21 at the time, kidnapped, pistol-whipped, robbed and left Shepard tied to a fence outside Laramie in October 1998. The 21-year-old University of Wyoming student died five days later at a hospital from massive head injuries.

Henderson maintained that he had only driven the car and tied Shepard to the fence but that it was McKinney who beat Shepard.

© Associated Press

For more on Matthew, Click here.

Puzzles can "Affleck" You

Click on the picture above to put Ben back together.

Microsoft Security Bulletins April 2004

Its the second Tuesday of the month again- and that means Microsoft Security Bulletins! This month Microsoft released four new Security Bulletins: MS04-011, MS04-012, MS04-013 and MS04-014. Normally I would suggest that you choose 'SAVE' rather than 'OPEN', but in this case, it's ok just to run them off the Microsoft server. If you don't have time to do the installs, you can save them to disk an install them the first chance you get.

Install patches one-at-a-time and re-boot between installs.
Be sure that you choose the correct update for your OS and Outlook Express.

MS04-011 is a security roll-up package. It is not a cumulative patch because it does not include ALL previous patches, but it does contain patches and updates to fix a number of very serious vulnerabilities in Windows.

The MS04-012 Security Bulletin does contain a cumulative patch which includes all prior patches and updates for the RPC / DCOM vulnerabilities (the flaws that were targeted by worms such as MSBlast and Nachi) as well as addressing a couple of newly discovered RPC / DCOM flaws.

MS04-013 is a cumulative security update for Outlook Express. This patch also addresses a new vulnerability that should concern just about every Windows user out there. The latest Outlook Express vulnerability is particularly critical because it has the potential to be exploited whether you actually use Outlook Express or not. If you have downloaded and installed Windows XP SP1 previously,(you should have), then choose the Outlook Express SP1 update. Otherwise, quit the download, run Windows Update and install Service Pack 1 first, then return to this page to update Outlook Express.

MS04-014 is related to a flaw in the Microsoft JET Database engine. An attacker who exploits this vulnerability may be able to take complete control of the vulnerable system. Before you start thinking this doesn't apply to you, the JET Database engine is used by a number of products and may be installed on your system even if you aren't aware of it.

Microsoft Security Bulletin MS04-011
Security Update for Microsoft Windows
Microsoft Criticality: Critical



Microsoft Security Bulletin MS04-012
Cumulative Update for Microsoft RPC/DCOM (Remote Procedure Control- Allows someone to take over your PC)
Microsoft Criticality: Critical



Microsoft Security Bulletin MS04-013
Cumulative Security Update for Outlook Express
Microsoft Criticality: Critical



Microsoft Security Bulletin MS04-014
Vulnerability in the Microsoft Jet Database Engine Could Allow Code Execution
Microsoft Criticality: Important

Fido Dido - The Mind Reader

Click here.

Dilbert

Gay Mayor Quits To Run In Federal Election

(Winnipeg, Manitoba) Glen Murray the 46 year old charismatic mayor of Winnipeg announced Friday he is stepping down to run for the Liberals in the upcoming election.

Murray is the only out mayor of a major Canadian city. "Today is the end of one chapter of my life and the beginning of a new one," he told a city hall news conference.

Murray was first elected mayor six years ago and has been popular with voters. mayor. A member of the New Democratic Party he had been courted by both the NDP and the Liberals. Murray came out as a teenager. He has worked in public affairs for the Post Office and at a Winnipeg AIDS center at the height of the crisis. Speculation that he would join the Liberals had circulated for months, but , said Murray it was Liberal leader Paul Martin who convinced him to join the Liberal Party. Murray has been a booster of Martin's 'New Deal' which promises more money to municipalities.

"He has asked me to be part of creating that New Deal," Murray said. Murray will seek the seat currently being vacated by Liberal John Harvard who has been appointed Manitoba's next lieutenant-governor. But running in a safe Liberal riding, and despite his personal charm, Murray is considered far from a shoe in. Liberal popularity is at a low ebb in Western Canada.

If he succeeds he would be the party's second out member. In December, Scott Brison quit the Conservative Party to sit with the ruling Liberal government.

Cool Sites Of The Day

A guys thoughts on Friendster, online dating etc. Requires Quicktime (or the plug-in) ( http://www.zefrank.com/smallworld )

Choose from other's submitted playlists. Find a song you like and right-click and choose 'Save Target As'.. ( http://webjay.org )

If You Lost A Glove At The Frisbee Park In Columbus Ohio, A Dog Just Found It With Your Hand Still Inside...

WCMH-TV
Updated: 2:41 p.m. ET May 06, 20042:21 p.m. EDT May 6, 2004 - A Columbus police officer believes he found a human hand on a golf course on the city's north side, NewsChannel 4's Nancy Burton reported.

The apparent hand was found at about 10:30 a.m. at the Frisbee Golf Park near Briggs Reservoir.



The hand was in a glove and was badly decomposed, Burton reported. A dog apparently brought it out of the woods and left it near the 10th hole.

Homicide detectives had been called to the scene. The detective took the so-called hand to the coroner's office, and it was determined to be a plant.



"If it was my hand, I would want someone to call," said one of the men who found the item. "But we debated, should we call, should we not. So we called, and police took it as a prank at first."

Cow Swallows 132 Pounds Of Plastic - Milk Comes Out Pre-Packaged

TIRANA (Reuters) - No one could figure out why Lara the cow stopped giving milk until an Albanian veterinarian pulled plastic from her guts as heavy as the average woman.

Veterinarian Agim Nelaj has a video of him wrenching the oozing brownish plastic out of the anaesthetized cow to back up his claims that the bovine had ingested masses of the plastic litter that has become a blight on the Albanian landscape.

"I extracted 60 kilos (132 pounds) of plastic material from the left pre-lumbar area," Nelaj told Reuters.

A month after the operation Lara was doing fine in the southern town of Sarande and being kept away from the kind of litter she has been ingesting for about five years, mostly flimsy bags used for everything and jettisoned freely.

"She is giving up six liters of milk a day," Nelaj said.

Play With The Mona Lisa Smile

Click here.

How To Get Out Of A Speeding Ticket

Questions

Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read each question before opening the answer page.

Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A.
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B.
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C.
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first...no peeking, until you decide. Then Click Here.

Weekly World News

I have always liked this rag....

Chupacabra means "goat Sucker". This Creature was reported to have been seen throughout the Caribbean, several countries of South America and even in Florida. It has been reported that this creature kills animals by sucking all the blood from them. There have been found many dead goats and farm animals throughout these countries. These animals where found with puncture wounds around there neck. Some have reported that the creature is alien in origin and that UFO's have brought them to us. Other say that they are creatures created by the government.

Engineers Create Self-Operated Butt-Kicking Machine

Backside Booter Designed To Motivate - or maybe fulfill someone's desires of masochism?

The engineers at Leavitt and Associates in Idaho have developed an interesting new device designed to motivate employees. " It's called the World Famous Manually Self-Operated Butt-Kicking Machine," said creator J. Reese Leavitt. "It is for your butt-kicking enjoyment."

Leavitt says the Butt-Kicking Machine came out of a brainstorming meeting when he and his co-workers were talking about raising employee productivity. He says this was a fun invention to work on.

"Well, we don't always get to do projects as exciting and fun as this project," said Leavitt.

The engineers even came up with an operating manual that breaks down the backside booting. You just have to sit firmly on your fanny, fasten the seat belt and apply the appropriate pressure.

A size 9 Chuck Taylor will hit your hindquarters. "That, by the way, is the most expensive part of the machine," said Leavitt. "The shoe cost us about $40."

The total cost is $250, but becoming the butt of jokes or the posterior of pranks is priceless.

"We think we're simple-minded engineers," said Leavitt. "There's a simple solution for every problem and we always seek to find that simple solution."

Leavitt says he has researched a patent on the Butt-Kicking Machine and has found no matches.



Leavitt and his associates plan on renting out the machine for fundraisers.

Belt-buckle made from NES controller

At $15, this belt-buckle made from an old NES controller is a pretty cool gift-idea, for the geek in your life!

The Scorpions Taste Kinda Fishy

NEW YORK -- Crickets do not taste like chicken.

But sauté them with a little olive oil and some spices and they are surprisingly edible, with a nice crunch and a subtle nut flavor. Their little legs do tend to get stuck between your teeth, though.

The nutty goodness of crispy crickets aside, few of the attendees at Adventures in the Global Kitchen, the first in a series of planned programs on global cuisine held at Manhattan's American Museum of Natural History, seemed fully converted to the joys of eating insects, despite the array of tempting tidbits featuring bugs that were set out for tasting Tuesday night.

"Eating bugs is disgusting," said 11-year-old Bill Eggers, who attended the event. "It's OK to do it on a dare, but otherwise I don't want to eat any bugs."

Happily, for the squeamish, the insects weren't the main course. For the most part they were used as garnishes, tastefully tucked into trail mix and tamales and plopped on top of pizzas.

Most didn't have much of a taste -- deep-fried grubs are all crunch and no flavor, though they do literally melt in your mouth. Ants have a lemony snap, though some are sour and vinegary. But tarantulas are surprisingly tasty, rather similar to crab meat. Then again, spiders aren't insects -- and neither are the bitter and vaguely fishy-tasting scorpions that topped the sushi rolls.

I'm goin' back to the country, 'cos I can't pay my rent.
I may not be completely broke, but, brother, I'm badly bent.
I don't understand, where the money went.
I'm not broke, but I'm badly bent.

They warned me about the world: about the city life,
But I thought I knew everything: I took no one's advice.
Now I don't know where, all the money went.
I might not be broke, but I'm badly bent.

Yeah, I am just a country boy, tryin' to make some sense.
But I'd like to ask the government; I'd like to ask the Premier:
"Can you tell me where all the money went?
"We might not be broke, but we're badly bent."

All right, Walt!

Between the telephone, gas and electric bills, car payment and the rent,
Give it everything I got, can't seem to make a dent.
I don't understand where the money went.
I'm not broke but I'm badly bent.


Can you tell my where, all the money went?
I might not be broke, but I'm badly bent.

Rude Spoonerisms

It's easy to get tongue-tied and accidentally say something rude, as you'll know if you've ever watched one of those compilations of TV slip-ups. Often just switching two small sounds in a phrase will result in an embarrassing, or even obscene Spoonerism!

Try reading these out loud, ONCE, but not within earshot of your grandmother... just in case!


The acrobats displayed some cunning stunts.

Sir, you are certainly a shining wit.

He fills her soul with hope.



It's the Tale of Two Cities.

Have you brought your sleeping bag?

She is sure pretty.



Have you seen her sick duck?

Oh, the suffering of purgery on my soul!

He's not a pheasant plucker.

She showed me her tool kits.



He's a smart fella.

A hot pie would make me happy.

Fire truck.

Overhead door.

Rude/Dirty Tongue Twisters

These are tongue-twisters which are not themselves rude, but they are dangerous because if you try saying them fast then you might end up saying something naughty!

I am not the pheasant plucker,
I'm the pheasant plucker's mate.
I am only plucking pheasants
Because the pheasant plucker's late.



I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit;
and on the slitted sheet I sit.

One smart fellow; he felt smart.
Two smart fellows; they felt smart.
Three smart fellows; they all felt smart.



I'm not the fig plucker,
Nor the fig pluckers' son,
But I'll pluck figs
Till the fig plucker comes.

Fire truck tyres



Mrs Puggy Wuggy has a square cut punt.
Not a punt cut square,
Just a square cut punt.
It's round in the stern and blunt in the front.
Mrs Puggy Wuggy has a square cut punt.

Six stick shifts stuck shut.

Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers.

A GUIDE TO SAFE FAX

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were twenty-one. How old do you think someone should be before they have fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedures.

Q. If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
A. Certainly not, as far as I can see.

Q. There is a place at a hotel nearby where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a 'professional' when their need to fax becomes too great.

Q. Should you always use a cover when you fax?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should be used to insure safe fax.

Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over. Most people won't mind if you try again.

Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won't have to worry that you have faxed the wrong person.

NOTE FROM THE WIZARD: If you feel that you have had unsafe fax, you should immediately contact a qualified fax therapist!

Ask The Wizard

You ask! He answers!

Send your questions to The Wizard by clicking on the beany bear at the top left corner. The Wizard will try to answer all questions submitted promptly. The Wizard cannot guarantee a question will be posted on 'OZ', however, all questions submitted will be answered by return email. The Wizard, 'OZ', or their affiliates do not collect, save, sell , or publish email addresses for any reason.

Dear Wizard of OZ,

My girlfriend is a very jealous sort, and recently she has refused to be allow me in public with or without her. We only go to family gatherings. The only problem is that her sister is extremely attractive and has been giving me mixed signals. For example, last week we were at the shooting range (my girlfriend is a marksman who was recently released from prison) and my pistol jammed.

As my girlfriend tried to discover what was wrong, her sister came flying across the room, slapped her to the ground, and put the barrel of the gun in her mouth. She stared directly at me as she sucked the dented cartridge from the chamber, smiled demurely, and put the wasted shell in my pocket. Next week is the annual Family Naked Boar Wrestling Contest and my girlfriend's birthday.

What should I get her for a present?

Signed,

Wearing a Bullseye

Dear Mr. Concentric Circles,

Well, women always appreciate flowers. Some Band-Aids® might be nice, too, in case she gets a nick from a boar bristle or something.

Best,

The Wizard



Dear Wizard of OZ,

My company just laid me off, and I have 2 weeks until I face unemployment. My car is this piece-of-shit 1978 Pacer, and I just got a date with this really hot guy that I met at the Bowl-A-Rama. Trouble is, he's a drag queen. What should I do with my last $350?

Signed,

Poor And Horny

Dear Anxious,

Is he cute?

Yrs,

The Wizard



Dear Wizard of OZ,

What should I do?

Signed,

Wondering


Dear Wondering,

Shit or get off the pot.

Yrs,

The Wizard



Dear Wizard of OZ,

Should I squeeze my zits, or just leave them alone?

Signed,

Pock Marked


Dear Spotty,

It kind of depends.

Yrs,

The Wizard



Dear Wizard of OZ:

Everybody thinks I'm a real mean guy. I guess it's because I've got a crew-cut and a goatee, and look like if Henry Rollins never made it to the gym. But inside, I'm just a teddy bear, unless you expect me to actually pitch a softball over the plate, when I go ballistic. How can I let people know that I'm a sweetie?

Signed,

Just Another Maligned Individual

p.s. You know, in your picture, you look a lot like Tim's honorable sidekick in Home Improvement.


Dear Advice-seeker,

Do I, really? I don't watch much TV.

Yrs,

The Wizard



Dear Wizard of OZ,

My sister just married a junkie with AIDS, so my father bought a Thompson sub-machine gun on the black market, and went looking for him. The cops picked him up and sent him to jail, so my mother applied for welfare. My other two sisters went to work as streetwalkers in an effort to help support mom and me. As a result, we make too much money to be qualified for food stamps.

My mother finally got a job as a chicken plucker at the local KFC. But she had to quit after a week because she found out that she was allergic to eggs. Her boss said something about.."getting laid too often". Anyway..my problem is this: Should I wear a red dress or a black dress to go along with my blonde wig and purple lipstick to the high school dance next week? My friends say that it's just a little too much. I really value your opinion. So let me have it !

yours truly,

Ima Fella


Dear Fashion-plate,

In my experience, it's really hard to go wrong with black. Suitable for day or night, elegant and yet understated, black is the perfect choice for many events that require clothing. And it's slimming as well!

Best of Luck,

The Wizard

Queer Is HOT On The Tube

Gateway to cut another 1,500 jobs

Gateway Inc. plans to reduce its headcount by another 1,500 people, or about 40 per cent of its staff, in a continued effort to streamline the company and return to profitability. This includes high ranking GTW executives that Ted Waite, founder hired personally.

The company reported a narrower preliminary first-quarter loss of US$166 million, compared with US$200 million in the year-earlier period, according to a company statement. First-quarter revenue was up to US$868 million from US$844 million a year earlier, helped by the acquisition of low-cost PC maker eMachines Inc., which was completed on March 12. (eMachines issued a second press release saying that they aquired Gateway and not the other way around...heehee)

"Ted-In-A-Box"

As it continues a process of simplifying its organization, Gateway said it plans to further reduce its ranks from about 3,500 employees now to about 2,000 by the end of the year. The announcement of the job cuts followed the closure of Gateway's 188 retail stores in April. That action resulted in 2,500 job cuts.

The additional cuts should not affect customer service, a Gateway spokesman said. However, all remaining Gateway employees must adhere to the new dress-code. They have a choice of two different designs:

Gateway has been struggling for the last few years against larger rivals including Dell Inc. and Hewlett-Packard Co. The company is betting on an increased presence in the retail channel, a higher level of efficiency and new products such as flat-screen TVs to turn its business around.

As part of its restructuring efforts, Gateway said it also plans to move into a new, consolidated head office in Orange County, Calif., later this year. EMachines operations will move there from their current headquarters in Irvine, Calif., also in Orange County. Gateway's current main office is in Poway, Calif., about 80 miles from Irvine.

Wizard's Note: Am I bitter? That I was laid off along with the rest of the Canadian Employees, with no notice? (They paid severance, but shut the stores down all at the same time). This was to please the stockholders of GTW. The stock still plummeted to a penny stock.

EEC GLOSSARY OF ENGLISH/GERMAN MOTORING TERMS

ACCIDENT - Der bludimessen
BONNET - Pullenob und knucklechopper
BREATHALYSER - Die puffintem fur pistenarsen
CLUTCH - Die kuplink mit sclippen und schaken
CYCLIST - Der pedalpushink pillloken
ESTATE CAR - Der bagerroom fur shaggininauto
EXHAUST - Spitzenpoppen bangentuben
FOOTBRAKE - Der edbangeronvindschreen stoppenquick
GEAR LEVER - Biggensticken fur kangaroojumpen
HEADLIGHTS - Das dippendontdazzelubastad
HIGHWAY CODE - Der wipen fur arsen
INDICATORS - Die plinken tickentocken
JUGGERNAUT - Der fukkengretten trukken
LEARNER - Die twaten mit elplatz
NEAR ACCIDENT - Der fukken nearen schittenselfen
PARKING METER - Der tennerpinscher und klockenwerr
PUNCTURE - Die phlatt mit bludyfukken
SEATBELTS - Der klunkenklicker frauleintrapper
SKID - Der bannanan waltzen
SPEEDOMETER - Das Egoboozta mit Digitsundneedle
TYRES - Flattenfahrts
WINDSCREEN WIPER - Der flippenflappen muckenschpredder

Rosie Back On The Tube!

Click above to read about it!

Quote Of The Day

"He who laughs, lasts."
-- Mary Poole

Sasser One Of Largest Worms To Date

MS: Almost 1.5M download Sasser cleanup tool

Almost 1.5 million Windows customers downloaded a cleanup tool for the Sasser Internet worm in the first two days after Microsoft Corp. began offering the tool on Sunday, according to a Microsoft spokesperson. The number of downloads is one indication of the number of Windows computers infected with Sasser and it is bigger than most estimates from computer security companies. Still, the total number of infected Windows systems could be even higher, especially when infections on computer networks are taken into account, the spokesperson said.

Sasser appeared on Friday and exploits a recently disclosed hole in a component of Windows called the Local Security Authority Subsystem Service, or LSASS. Microsoft released a software patch, MS04-011, on April 13 that plugs the LSASS hole. Sasser had spawned at least four variants, labeled A, B, C and D, as of Tuesday. The worm is similar to an earlier worm, Blaster, because users do not need to receive an e-mail message or open a file to be infected. Instead, just having a vulnerable Windows machine connected to the Internet via communications port number 445 is enough to catch Sasser.

After appearing Friday, the worm spread quickly around the world. Early estimates by the SANS Institute's Internet Storm Center (ISC) put the total number of infected system in the "hundreds of thousands."

As it did with the Blaster worm, Microsoft began offering the Sasser removal tool from its Web site shortly after the worm appeared. The tool, which can be downloaded or run from a Web browser, scans computers for telltale signs of Sasser and then allows the user to remove the worm.
(See: http://www.microsoft.com/security/incident/sasser.asp )

You can find security update 835732 here.

The Main Theme For Today's Posts is SEX!SEX!SEX!

What Sperm REALLY Talk About To Pass The Time On The Long Trip...

Game Time

Play solitaire with who's who in Iraq, (who was who in Iraq...)

"Man CAN Be Replaced..."

How Much Are You Worth?

I am currently worth exactly: $1,303,034.00 USD!! Look later this week for me on e-Bay =)

Click Here.

The Blonde (Sorry!)

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said: "We were the first in space."
The American said: "So, we were the first on the Moon."
The Blonde said: "So what, we're going to be the first to land on the sun."

The Russian and American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you'll burn up!" said the Russian.

The Blonde replied: "We're not stupid you know. We're going to land at night."

On-Line Orgasm!

Give it a try!

Click here.

Plastic Surgery Gone Wrong...

Ten reasons to go to work naked..actually 11...

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.

4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

7. So that-with a little help from Muzak-you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your already exaggerated resume.

8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.

10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

11. No one steals your chair.

Appearances Can Be Deceiving

One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.

When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you."

She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything."

The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."

She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."

Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I'm single and I'm Catholic!"

The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley."

The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.

The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"

He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm Jewish!"

The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party!"

Weird Sex Facts

Wizard's Note: Hey! I didn't write em (or measure them! =)

Actual amout of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons

Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200

Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000

Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons

Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons

Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour

Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour

These facts are brought to you by:


Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7

Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150

Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches

Average length when erect: 5.1

Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch

Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches

Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale)

Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop: 10 feet

Most arousing time of day/season for a man: early morning/fall

Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start excercising, lose weight.

Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole grains, and wheat germ

Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%

Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%

Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%

Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2weeks

Average # of erections per day for a man: 11

Average # of erections during the night: 9

Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches

The human equalivent: 26 miles (a marathon distance)

Time it takes the sperm: 2.5 seconds

Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours

Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation)

Shelf life of a hostess twinkie: 7 years

Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100

Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm

Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm

Thickness of plastic wrap: .0127 mm

# of times condoms are thicker that plastic wrap: almost 6

In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet.

Some say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a buttery or fishy taste.

Dairy products can create a foul taste.

The taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest.

ACIDIC FRUITS AND ALCOHOL (EXCEPT PROCESSED LIQUORS) GIVE IT A PLEASANT AND SUGARY TASTE.

Examples: oranges, mangos, kiwi, lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt Blue, Honey Brown

Drinking a Corona with lime is double the fun.

Odors that increase blood flow to the penis:lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie. (Happy Thanksgiving!)

Yes, the penis does shrink in the shower.

It is common for men to wake up with "morning wood," a name for an a.m. erection.

Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will explode if he doesn't have sex, is totally false.

What Goes On When You Sleep...

Strange People (Facts)

Click Below:

"The Penis Poem"

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.


Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I ve got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.


It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.


Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!

--Unknown

New Face On Mars Sighted!

This is the one discovered just a few short months ago:



Click on the picture above to see the latest sighting.

Da Vinci Credited With Developing The First Search Engine

Click here.

Robin steals show

Williams schmoozes with Winnipeg Junior Achievement grads
By KATIE CHALMERS -- Winnipeg Sun
WINNIPEG -- It was a graduation to remember.

About 80 high school students celebrating the end of their Junior Achievement program at the Fort Garry Hotel Thursday night got a surprise visit from Robin Williams.

The Oscar-winning actor, now in Winnipeg for the filming of The Big White -- co-starring Oscar winner Holly Hunter, Woody Harrelson and Giovanni Ribisi -- was spotted alone in the hotel lounge by the program's event planner about 9:30 p.m. Valerie Betker said she approached Williams and asked if he'd go upstairs and say a quick hello to the kids. He ended up spending half an hour signing autographs and even broke into an impression of Mrs. Doubtfire.

"They just couldn't believe it. They just went wild when they saw him," Betker said. "He was so gracious. He was so real."

Betker and her husband were marking their 37th wedding anniversary that night so the couple figured they would stop by the hotel lounge for a celebratory drink. But Betker's celebrity encounter quickly sent her back up to the ballroom, a Hollywood star at her side.

Williams' extensive movie resume includes Good Will Hunting, Awakenings, Good Morning, Vietnam and Dead Poets Society.

"I told him it would be a grad to remember, even if he just stuck his head in and said hello. He said he could do that and chatted all the way," Betker said. Williams, who appeared shy at first, told Betker he hadn't slept for hours, yet he managed to transform himself into the off-the-wall personality his fans recognize the moment he stepped off the elevator. "He was so very tired but he was willing to give his time to the kids. They were just thrilled," she said. "He's a real performer. He turned on the charm."

Clamoring for their cameras, the students were quick to steal a pose with Williams, who is expected to be filming in the city until May 18. Student Kyle Gray, 17, said he was floored when a staff member cleared a path through the crowd, announcing Williams was there.

"He got swarmed by everyone," Gray said. "Everybody started shrieking," Patrick Smith, 18, added. When a student asked Williams to sign his program, the actor initially declined, saying he would have to sign everyone's copy, Gray said.

"Then he said, 'Oh, what the hell,' took 20 or 30 other programs and started to sign them," Gray recalled. "He's a really nice guy. He's cool, really energetic." Williams thanked the group for the invitation, said good night and hopped back into the elevator. "It was a really neat experience, almost surreal," Betker said.

The consequences of an instantaneous switch to the metric system in the U.S.

Border Crossing Guards




OOPS!












A hand is a hand, or so I thought....


Metric Scale


Drug Metrics 101


Use Yer Eyes, Man!

Short Takes

Dozens Tossed Into Texas Lake As Party Boat Overturns

AUSTIN, Texas -- All the passengers of a party barge that overturned in a Texas lake have been accounted for.

The barge turned over and sank Sunday in Lake Travis, where the water is at least 50 feet deep.

There were 60 people on the boat -- two received minor injuries.

Witnesses told authorities all the people on the boat moved to one side as it approached a lakeside park called Hippie Hollow. It has the only public nude beach in Texas.

The Austin American-Statesman reports in its online edition that the barge flipped over during Splash Day, a semiannual event hosted by the gay and lesbian communities.

"At Arm's Length"

A Hastings man is appealing for the return of his prosthetic arm which was stolen during a scuffle in the city at the weekend.

Senior Sergeant Greg Bradshaw said a skirmish broke out in Market Street between two people on Friday. One of the combatants had a prosthetic arm which was torn loose in the scuffle. Instead of leaving it behind, the second man then ran off with it.

"He'd like it back," remarked cops.

Cops claim bubble bath attack

HENDERSON, Texas (AP) -- A man set up a bubble bath for his wife, complete with candles and music, then tried to electrocute her by pushing a radio into the tub, authorities say.

William Joseph Wolfe, a 34-year-old emergency room nurse, was arrested Thursday on charges of attempted murder and freed on $40,000 bail.

"It's the kind of case you would expect to see on a 'Columbo' episode," said Police Chief Randy Freeman.

Teresa Wolfe told police her husband had moved the radio from its usual place in the bathroom to a bench near the bathtub, with an extension cord running into another room.

She said she caught the radio before it hit the water and threw it out of the way. She said she later discovered that he had visited Web sites on their home computer dealing with bathtub electrocution.

According to authorities, Wolfe bought a life insurance policy on his wife five months ago.

He could get up to 20 years in prison.

"Sign" Language

Read Row by row, left to right...



*Thanks, Vlad! =)

The Hunk

Can you solve this puzzle? Click on the picture to try.

Corporate Mergers Gone Too Far...

New "Heads-UP" Display

Now available as an option for your car!

'Simpsons' Cast Settles Salary Dispute

LOS ANGELES - A month after stalled contract renewal talks led the voices of "The Simpsons" to stop work, both the actors and Fox are getting more "D'oh!" Terms of the deal were not announced for the actors who provide the voices for Homer and Marge Simpson and other characters on the long-running animated series.


AP Photo

"We couldn't be happier to have reached a multiyear deal with the enormously talented cast of 'The Simpsons,'" series producer 20th Century Fox Television said Friday in a statement. A spokesman representing the cast said they had no immediate comment. Despite speculation the dispute would shorten the 2004-05 season, the studio said it was optimistic that all 22 planned episodes could be finished.

The loss of even a few episodes of "The Simpsons," a bulwark of Fox TV's schedule, would be financially painful for the network. Each cast member was seeking about $360,000 an episode, or $8 million for the 22-episode, 2004-05 season, the trade paper Daily Variety reported previously. The actors were earning $125,000 an episode. The contract dispute involves Dan Castellaneta (Homer); Julie Kavner (news) (Marge); Hank Azaria (news) (Moe, Apu and others); Harry Shearer (news) (Mr. Burns and others); Yeardley Smith (news) (Lisa) and Nancy Cartwright (Bart), the paper said.


The actors' previous deal, which covered seasons 13, 14 and 15, was reached without complication. In 1998, however, the cast — except for Kavner, who had a previous deal in effect — sought significant pay increases. At that time, the performers made $30,000 an episode from a show that has proved a huge international moneymaker.

Others Could Be Charged in Jackson Case

SANTA MARIA, Calif. - A conspiracy charge against Michael Jackson (news) signals a new direction in the case, one that could include indictments for other people accused of conspiring with the singer to commit the crimes of abduction, false imprisonment and extortion.


AP Photo

Jackson pleaded innocent Friday to a newly unsealed grand jury indictment listing the new conspiracy charge, as well as counts of molestation and giving a child alcohol that were similar to the ones in a previous indictment.


The grand jury indictment said Jackson conspired with "other uncharged co-conspirators and co-conspirators," but the judge ordered that the parts of the indictment identifying them be removed before it was publicly released. The defense and prosecutors declined to say Friday who else may be arrested.


"We have a lot to say and we're going to do our talking in court," Jackson attorney Steve Cochran said.

Checkout Stand Rage Results In Fight

LOWELL, Massachusetts - Checkout rage has officially reached new levels. One too many people brought more items to an express lane than allowed, and a customer snapped. When a 51-year-old woman accidentally bought 13 items in a 12 items or fewer checkout lane, the lady behind her could no longer contain herself. She attacked the shopper outside the store and kicked and punched her. She has since been charged with assault.

A Lowell, Mass., woman faces up to 10 years in prison if convicted of shopping cart rage. Actually, the charges against Karen Morgan, according to the syndicated column The Supermarket Shopper, are assault and battery with a dangerous weapon (her shoe). It seems Morgan objected to Alice Tooks, the shopper in line in front of her, trying to sneak 13 items into a checkout lane that was for 12 items or fewer. The ladies took their dispute outside -- where insults and profanities reportedly escalated to physical combat. Tooks said Morgan shoved her to the ground and kicked her in the head. Morgan claims Tooks was the assailant and that she was only trying to protect herself.

Man Stabbed Outside The Copacabana, Lola, (who was a showgirl), Unavailable for comment

NEW YORK (AP) A 42-year-old man was stabbed outside a Manhattan nightclub early Sunday after he fought with another man inside, police said.

The man, whose name was not released, was knifed once in the abdomen in front of the Copacabana nightclub on West 34th Street at about 3:20 a.m., police said. He was taken to St. Vincent's Hospital in stable condition.

Police arrested Angel Verdejo, 26, of Newark, outside the club on assault and weapons possession charges.

The "Microsoft Shock Treatment"

Duct tape suit stuck in his mind

Randel Metzinger prides himself on being different.

Randel Metzinger wears a pink duct tape suit that he made for his school prom. "Even at school, I try not to have myself classified as anything,'' Randel said. "That just makes me stand out of the crowd and be my own person.''

Randel certainly stood out of the crowd at the Pine Forest High School prom. It's hard not to stand out when you're wearing a hot pink suit emblazoned with black flames at the sleeves and cuffs. It also helps if that suit happens to be made of duct tape.

Randel wore that get-up to the prom, which was held April 24. He doesn't regret his choice of attire a bit, even if it was a little hot under all that sticky tape. Randel, said his mother, Marian Metzinger, is "very artistic.'' He plays more than 10 instruments, including trombone, trumpet, keyboards and guitar.

So when it came time to decide what to wear to the prom, it wasn't surprising that Randel decided to get creative. The duct tape idea had actually been in Randel's head for years. When he was in the eighth or ninth grade, Randel and a friend came across a Web site for a duct tape manufacturer.

The site offered a scholarship to the student who created the most inventive duct tape suit. The idea, well, stuck with Randel. When prom time rolled around, Randel revived the idea of the duct tape suit. "It was just one of those things - 'It would be cool to do this,''' Randel said. "I'll pretty much do anything for a laugh.''

Randel had the full support of his mother, who marvels at her son's creativity. "I told him, 'rock on,''' Marian Metzinger said. Randel used the lining of an old thrift store suit. He had to order the duct tape online - you won't find hot pink duct tape at most Home Depots. It took two layers of tape to get the effect Randel wanted. He used seven rolls of pink tape and two rolls of black for the flame designs on the jacket sleeves and pants cuffs.

To complete the outfit, Randel wore a black shirt and a pair of hot pink duct-taped loafers.

The result was a blindingly bright suit that you could envision Elvis Presley wearing in the 1950s - if Elvis had a thing for duct tape. Needless to say, Randel's duct tape suit got lots of stares at the prom. "Surprisingly, I heard no negative comments, at least to my face,'' Randel said. "None of them were that surprised, because they know me. They expect me to do something different, they're just not sure what.''