86.9? Ridiculous!

Find the cheapest gas near you! With gas going over a buck a litre this summer ya gotta be prepared. Click on the cartoon.

Making Sense Of English

Lets face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this poem
It ends.

One-Eyed Bob's Innappropriate Toys For Children

Kids just want to have fun - maybe not always doing things we'd prefer them to do. Here's an unusual collection of toys to encourage the inquisitive, provocative and often mischievious children in your life.



We've got the beef! In the current climate of uncertainly over the safety of our food supply what could possible be better than growing your own? Cloning has come further than you think. Our kit includes starter cells and everthing you need to get your calf growing. We suggest buying two kits (one male, one female) so you can establish your own herd. Make sure you have enough space if you go that route. $99.95 USD. Click on the picture to find more toys!

BATMAN BEGINS - Batman In Color!

Hey folks, The Wizard here... not really sure what I think of this. Not really a clear shot, can't see the logo... The suit seems to be a bit bulky - especially in the shoulders... is that shoulder pads? Could be. Nice atmosphere... Can't wait to see this thing moving around. Here it is in color!

ROB AND LAURA ARE RICH NOW

April 29, 2004 -- ROB Petrie must have done OK after leaving the employ of Alan Brady in 1966. In CBS's new, updated edition of "The Dick Van Dyke Show," the Petries - Rob (Dick Van Dyke) and his wife, Laura (Mary Tyler Moore) - live in a Manhattan apartment that's so huge, there's enough room for Laura to run a dancing school for little girls in it.

(Dick Van Dyke and Mary Tyler Moore)

It's a pretty nice pad for a TV writer, but unfortunately, this one-hour nostalgic special - premiering Tuesday, May 11, at 9 p.m. on CBS/2 - sheds no light on what Rob might have written in the intervening years that would enable him to afford a West Side penthouse of Seinfeldian proportions.

The Petries' Manhattan home - where they've lived for 20 years, according to the special - is a far cry from the modest, but comfortable home they inhabited in New Rochelle on the old "Dick Van Dyke Show," which ran for five seasons on CBS (1961-66).

The Writings on the Stall!

If you're like me, you just can't spend enough time reading in public restrooms. And there's always some guy standing in front of the next chapter on the wall by the urinal. And he seldom wants to be a dear and jot down the phone number. I kid. Comic relief.

But it is nice the computer age brings funny restroom graffiti direct to our screens, the modern bathroom monitors. Of course, we must do without the ambient flushes and floating cigarette butts.

This site is clogged with hundreds of actual messages noted in the Mens and Ladies, Guys and Dolls, Buoys and Gulls. We're told "They serve as (informal) forums for politics, pop culture, humor, and so forth." Please note: Explicit content and they're out of paper towels.

My personal favourite:

University of Colorado
Engineering Building
Boulder, Colorado USA 80023
Men's restroom, ground floor

E=MC2
(And underneath it)
Very nice Albert, next time show your work
Written on the side of a stall, Albert Einstein's famous equation.

The Writings on the Stall!
Entries posted on this site don't necessarily reflect the beliefs of its The Wizard.

Man Says He Thought Dead Teen In Windshield Was Airbag

ST. JEROME, Quebec -- He assumed it was an airbag -- but it turned out to be the body of a teenager he had hit with his car.

A Canadian man who drove around with an 18-year-old's body lodged in his windshield after hitting him has been sentenced to 3.5 years in prison.

Gilles Francoeur pleaded guilty last year to leaving the scene of an accident in Quebec. The man said at a sentencing hearing that he felt an impact while driving home. He said his windshield broke and he saw something on the passenger seat -- but assumed it was the airbag that deployed.

He said it was only after he went home and then out again that he realized a dead body was stuck in the windshield.

Woman who used fake baby in bank robbery pleads guilty

MINNEAPOLIS - A Minneapolis woman who pretended to be carrying a baby before she held up a bank pleaded guilty Thursday to robbing two banks.
Saundra Lee Coleman, 41, pleaded guilty in U.S. District Court to two counts of bank robbery in a Feb. 20 robbery of a TCF Bank in St. Paul and a March 4 robbery of a TCF Bank in Roseville.

In the February heist, prosecutors said Coleman walked into the bank carrying what appeared to be a child wrapped in blankets and demanded money from the teller. It became apparent the pink and blue blankets weren't covering a baby when the woman started shoving the money into them, the FBI said. No sound came from the bundle. Coleman was arrested a few days after the Roseville robbery. She faces as many as 20 years in prison and a $250,000 fine on each count when she is sentenced by Chief Judge James Rosenbaum. A sentencing date has not been set.

6 Hours To Do Your Taxes...

If you are in a hurry, just use the new quick file option:

100 Reasons To be Gay...

In celebration of the mirth it caused I thought I’d share it with you all. Aren’t I kind ? If you’re on a random joke list then you might have seen it before, but the oldies are always the best (unless you’re lucky enough to pull some young chicken) and we say share and share alike (unless its an STD).

So, here are 100 reasons to be gay. How many can you own up to ?
Click here.

Looks "Ripping"

Hugh Jackman stars as the legendary monster hunter Van Helsing, who wages an ongoing battle to rid the world of its nightmarish creatures...

Mass Confusion!

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." "Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon sign, Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' can't stay on the church roof."

* Thanks Chort!

Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers

This one is for all who:
a) have kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) know a kid!

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

*Thanks Pammy =)

PC Troubleshooting

Sometime during the life of your PC something will go wrong. Unless you want to pay someone big bucks to fix it, you will need to learn how to troubleshoot it yourself. That is why we have created this section.

If its under warranty, let them do it.

Attempting to troubleshoot your own computer can be a real nightmare. After awhile, you feel like trading your screwdriver for a sledge hammer. I know. I've been there. Before trying to troubleshoot, you must keep a few things in mind:

A computer isn't that complicated. Its just a collection of parts. Do not panic. Chances are that your problem is really pretty simple. What has changed since it last worked? Sometimes one has done some small upgrade that seems unrelated to the problem, but in reality caused the problem to begin with. There are also some things that you should think about:

Beta software: Remember that this software is beta because it still has bugs. Some problems may be the result of this.

Jerry-Rigging: If you have built some strange setup on your computer to "make due", this could result in a problem.(i.e., short cables, missing screws)

Viruses: Scan for viruses. Some of them can do some nasty things.

Here is a list of the current troubleshooting articles:

Check this one thing first

Articles:

REAL Common Network Troubleshooting

by Justin Shin 8/2/2003
A problem/solution type article for some common networking problems.

Mobile PC Tool Kit - What you Need

by David Risley 4/22/2003

A thorough look at the items one may want to have in their own PC repair toolbox. A useful read for anyone about to tackle a PC repair/upgrade/build task using our website.

Before Submitting Contacting Tech Support

by David Risley 3/30/2001
Some basic steps you should take before contacting any tech support.

Windows 95 Error Messages

by David Risley 3/23/2001
A look at some of the common Windows errors and what they mean.

The Bathroom Habits Survey

WARNING: VULGAR TO SOME READERS

Bathroom Habits - click above

Score 1 For The GLBT!

Canada Bans Homophobic Speech

(Ottawa) The Canadian government passed legislation Wednesday to include sexuality in the country's hate-crimes law but the gay politician who introduced the measure was not around to savor the victory.

Physical attacks based on sexuality are already illegal in Canada, but, until now gays were not including in a separate act that protects minorities against "promotion of hate" speech.

That the bill ever made it to the floor of the House of Commons was something of a miracle. The legislation was not proposed by the government, but came as a Private Members Bill by New Democrat Svend Robinson. That it was passed by the Commons was considered nothing short of a miracle.

But, Robinson remained in seclusion Wednesday following his announcement he would not seek re-election after a shoplifting scandal involving an expensive engagement ring he wanted to give his longtime boyfriend.

The Senate Wednesday gave final approval to the measure. Throughout its march toward passage the legislation was the subject of heated debate in Parliament and the focus of intense criticism and lobbying by conservative religious groups that maintained it would prevent them from preaching homosexuality is wrong.

The Canadian Association of Chiefs of Police and the Canadian Professional Police Association supported the bill.

Under the new law people who incite violence against gays and lesbians would be subject to fines or imprisonment.

Hmmm...Sometimes 'OLD' History Should be Forgotten...

Note from The Wizard: I never said that you would love anything I post, for that matter, if you don't like it, start your own blog! =) Please send me comments. I know you visit. Tell me what you think.... Good :-) or Bad :-( ... The Wiz can take it!

T-Shirt Designs I'd like to see...

Start Blogging!

Blogger offers you instant communication power by letting you post your thoughts to the web whenever the urge strikes.
Learn
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Are You Smarter Than A 4 Year Old?

(This one's a bit wet)

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Wrong Answer : Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.

Correct Answer : Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer : The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions, correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting! This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

(No doubt Anderson were at the meeting with the other crocodiles -- The Wizard)

Latest Virus Threats

W32.Beagle.X@mm

W32.Netsky.AB@mm

Backdoor.Mipsiv

W97M.Smey

W32.Netsky.AA@mm

Hacktool.LsassSba

Tom HanksThis Weeks Guest Pesident

WASHINGTON, DC—Superstar actor Tom Hanks will fill President Bush's spot at the White House through Friday while the chief executive takes the week off.


Above: Hanks welcomes the emir of Qatar, Sheikh Hamad al-Thani, to the Oval Office.

"We're thrilled to have Tom sitting at the president's desk this week," White House press secretary Scott McClellan said Tuesday. "It's truly an honor that this beloved star and two-time Oscar winner took time from his busy schedule to guest-lead the nation. It's been a lot of fun so far, and we have even more great meetings lined up for the next couple days, so make sure to check the news."

It's the first guest-president gig for Hanks, who took the reins Monday, but McClellan said the actor's political inexperience is not a liability. Citing Hanks' "amiable yet commanding presence" and "seamless interfacing with diverse policymakers and diplomats," McClellan characterized the Hollywood insider as a "born leader."

"Some guest presidents breeze into a cabinet meeting or state dinner thinking they can get by on star power—and generally, they can," McClellan said. "But Tom's unique, low-key, everyman persona sets him apart from the others. It endears him to everyone he meets, from the high-level diplomat to the Minority Whip."

Who Shall He Marry Next?

Somewhere in a typical suburban household, John sits astride a ladder balancing some dangerous looking power tools and is running a severe risk of self-electrocution. Enter Jill, Stage Left, Looking very bedraggled, and not happy.

Jill: There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.

John: Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous.

Jill: I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.

John: You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?

Jill: In the pool.

Positive Proof!

There not only was... There is water on Mars! What's more, the red planet can support life! Click here for the proof!

Friends Writers Accused Of Harassment

As Friends prepares to wrap-up and head into permanent reruns the show's writers are heading to court amid claims they questioned David Schwimmer's sexuality.

According to the New York Post, former writing assistant Amaani Lyle is suing the show and its writers for sexual harassment.

Lyle claims that the male writers routinely made disparaging sex and sexuality jokes, implying at one time that Schwimmer, who plays Ross, could be gay and on another occasion joked about turning Matt LeBlanc’s character Joey into a serial rapist.

The writers named in the lawsuit have all strongly denied the claims. Any talk of sex was necessary to the plot of the sometimes-raunchy comedy, their lawyer Adam Levin, told the paper.

Adam and Eve

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.

He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little boy.

So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the snow, laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it."

"What's it called? Eve asked.

"Brains" God said.

*Thanks, Pam

Speaking of Penises...

National Endowment For The Arts & Crafts Criticized For Funding Giant Macramé Penis

KANSAS CITY, MO—Republican lawmakers and conservative religious groups blasted the National Endowment For The Arts & Crafts Tuesday, claiming that the organization has allocated federal funds for "obscene crafts."

The $15,000 grant in question was awarded last October to Detroit arts & craftsman Albert Kahle, 39, for a nine-foot macramé penis titled "Father (By Mother)," which is currently part of the Macramazement! exhibit at the prestigious National Gallery Of Arts & Crafts in Kansas City, MO.

"'Father (By Mother)' is neither art nor craft," House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-TX) said. "It's trash. The fact that American taxpayers are paying for this kind of lewd handiwork is outrageous."

The macramé-work phallus comprises three discrete elements: testicles, shaft, and head. The testicles are knotted in Double Alternating Lark's Head style and decorated with black maple beads. The shaft of the penis, knotted of Tammy's Hemp Cord in flesh tone, is embellished with subtle strands of Half-Knot sinnet cord in light blue and Amy's Cord in pale lavender. The head, the most detailed portion of the work, is embellished with a spray of silver glitter.

Speed Bumps

There are little details of life that we tend to just take for granted. Little things that don’t quite fit who we are, but we accept them because “that’s the way it has always been.” And not just gay people. Like, do you have to check the “divorced” box on medical or legal forms for your entire life if you never remarry? When are you considered single again? What exactly is the length of time you are stuck with a label which carries such societal taboos?

Click here for more...

Skin Transplant Surgery

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they wouldn't tell anyone about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives went on and on about her youthful look.

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Sex Among The Stars...

A couple goes to Mars and meet another couple there..and talking and talking they ask the martians how you guys are doing sex.. and intrigued they say the best is to swap partners..so they did..

The Earth Woman goes with the Martian guy and when they are naked the Woman looks to Martian's Penis and is 1 inch long and not very thick.. She says" You know I do not think will work!
He said: why?
She: Well is not long enough..
Now the Martian guy is starts hitting his forhead and guess what? His penis was growing in length with half of inch for every hit of his forhead until it reaches 12 inches..
She:Wow you see is good but still kind of thin..
Him: Starts now to pull his ears...and evey time he pulls his ears his penis was growing in diameter of 1/4of inch..

She was very pleased...
Next day she asked her Earth man how it was..

He said: well was fine but I have a headache and my ears are hurting because I do not know WHY, but the Martian woman was keep pulling my ears and hitting my forhead...

*Thanks, Alex!

A good example of an attempt to get a worm installed....

I received an unsolicted email this morning. I do not have any Quest software... so I did some digging before I clicked on the link...



Now, though Quest has been aquired by Aelita, this particular email appears bogus, so I did not go to the website or click on the links in the email.

This was because even though the "end" transmission of going to the website MAY take me to Aelita.com, In between it looks to me like a spammer, or virus writer would hijack my click and take me to a webpage that they have made up to fool people and collect personal information. ("Can you say identity theft? Sure. I knew you could!"), Or take you to a page of their design and load a worm on your computer just by opening the webpage.



Or am I just being paranold? You decide. I have never gotten a virus or trojan on my computer. Ever. Better safe than sorry, I always say....

NASA ingenuity

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of bird-strike to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA responded with a one-line memo:

"Thaw the chicken."

David Cassidy and Michael J. Fox

Separated at Birth?

Click here.

RAGE - The Gay Crusader!

Click on the picture to read all about it!

Important Note from The Emerald City...

A couple of things I should let you know... Most often, when I post a link I have it spawn in a new browser window... This is to facilitate the navigation of 'OZ'. If you click on a link and it doesn't work, check your POP-UP blocker. If you have the Google Toolbar, its as simple as clicking the "Allow pop-ups on this site". If the toolbar just says 'X# blocked' then push that button and it will allow pop ups on 'OZ' only. It will NOT affect other sites. If you have other pop up blocking software, and you are unable to click on the links, please refer to the software's documentation.

Also, I have added the ability for you to make comments and give me feedback on each separate post. I welcome comments always, and you don't even have to put down your real name or even enter an email address... The Wizard is just happy that people are reading 'OZ' and is always looking for suggestions, topics to post etc. Tell me you like it-- tell me you hate it! Doesn't matter, and I could use the criticism. I have regular readers and would definitely appreciate the feedback!

Lastly, I have changed a few things on my blog layout. If you have not refreshed my page recently, please do so now (hold down the 'Shift' Key and press at the top of your browser), and you will be treated to a wonderful jazz rendition of "Over The Rainbow", plus some new graphics! Thank You!

Thanks,

Brian.

Burger King Asks Co-founder to Improve Whopper

My ABSOLUTE favourite burger!

Miami—Burger King Corp. "brought back" co-founder Dave Edgerton, 76, to help improve the Whopper so that it "tastes more like the original," according to USA Today. Upgrades reportedly include a larger bun, fresher lettuce, thicker tomato slices, coarser ground beef and the elimination of "artificial mayo," which will be replaced by real mayonnaise.

USA Today did not detail the terms of Edgerton's return to the burger chain, but said he would be helping the company's CEO Brad Blum and corporate chef Peter Gibbons.

The Whopper improvements apparently will be in units later this summer. -Nation's Restaurant News

Sidewalk Art

How DO they do that???


Flat sidewalks! WOW! To see more, click here.

Can You Guess Someone's Age?

Try your luck at guessing people's age from their pictures. Click here. Click on "Guess Ages"

Hunk In Armour

Click on Brad to read all about it!

Scientists create "water" that isn't wet

April 16, 2004 (NEW YORK CITY) — A new chemical concocted by scientists looks and acts just like water except for one thing... it doesn't get things wet.

During Tuesday's Good Morning America, a representative of Tyco Fire and Security displayed the amazing properties of the chemical that's in it's fire protection system called "Sapphire." The chemical is made by 3M and is called NOVEC 1230 Fire Protection Fluid.

The chemical has all the firefighting properties of water, yet it will not cause the damage to items that is usually associated with water.

As part of a demonstration, Pelton submerged several items into a tank of Sapphire that was on the Good Morning America set. Books did not get wet. Electronics were not be destroyed. Items that were submerged in the liquid were dried in a matter of seconds, and showed no ill effects according to Charles Gibson, Diane Sawyer and other members of the Good Morning America staff who saw items plunged into it.

Charles Gibson/Good Morning America: "It looks like water, but it's not."
The Ansul Sapphire Fire Suppression System would automatically spray the chemical out of a building's sprinkler system when a fire is detected.
Dave Pelton/Tyco Fire and Security: "This material would protect various artifacts, collections. You could use it in museums, libraries, places of cultural property."
There was a substance that had similar properties produced in the past, but that fire suppression liquid was damaging the ozone layer. The new substance by Tyco is supposed to be environmentally safe.

(© 2004 by WPVI-TV 6 and ABC News. All rights reserved.)

Watch your cell phone...

FAYETTEVILLE, ARK - A football fan with a cellular phone in his pocket equipped with one-touch buttons called the 911 emergency number 35 times by standing up and sitting down while cheering. Police eventually traced it to Razorback Stadium where the man was held for questioning and scolded..

*Warped Newz

St. Barbie

-oil on canvas by Mark Ryden. (Mark Ryden was born on January 20, 1963 in Medford, Oregon, but grew up in Southern California. He received a B.F.A. in 1987 from Art Center College of Design in Pasadena, California.)

Mark's paintings instantly trigger a warped deja vu. His work recalls a parallel universe of 1950s Golden Books and the whimsy of Lewis Carroll. His cheery bunnies, rendered in the glowing hues of children’s books, are likely to be carving slabs of meat rather than frolicking in the forest. Ryden’s work mingles superb technique with outre images to create a world of strange and disturbing beauty. “At once intriguing and unsettling, baffling and enchanting, [Ryden’s] works ... are subtle amalgams of many sources and influences as wide-ranging as Psychedelic and Vienna School artists Neon Park and Ernst Fuchs, to classical French formalists Ingres and David.” --Rick Gilbert-Panik

Eternity

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get
there, St. Peter says,

"We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they
try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter
chains them together and says

"Your punishment for stepping on a duck is! ... to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along
comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another
extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment
as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for
all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She
manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes
on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them
together without saying a word. The woman remarks,

"I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says,

"I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Insurance Claims

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words. The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing can be highly entertaining.

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong driveway and collided with a tree I don't have."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"I noticed smoke rising from under the bonnet. Realizing the car was on fire, I pulled over, took out my dog, and smothered it with a blanket."

"The driver in front of me hit a pedestrian. He got up from where he lay, so I hit him again."

LEGO My Volvo!

Volvo Cars of North America, LLC (VCNA) and LEGOLAND California are joining forces to promote driving safety and family values. As part of the recently announced partnership agreement between the subsidiaries of the two Scandinavian icons, a replica of Volvo's award-winning SUV, the Volvo XC90, was constructed of LEGO's famous modeling bricks.

The Volvo XC90 made of LEGO bricks was built by LEGO Master Model Builders, members of an elite team of talented artists who design, create and maintain the thousands of LEGO brick models at LEGOLAND California.

Recently, LEGOLAND's popular Driving School (ages 6 to 13) and its Jr. Driving School (ages 3 to 5) were reintroduced to carry Volvo's name and reputation for safety. These popular park attractions offer children the opportunity to drive electric-powered vehicles made to look like LEGO bricks within the controlled environment of the drive course. The rules of the road are emphasized, as well as good safety habits such as buckling up seatbelts.

"By encouraging safety as a learned behavior at an early age, we all benefit - it's never too early to learn about the rules of the road," said Doolan, (President and CEO of Volvo Cars of North America).