Canadian Survivor

Lexus Smart Key Technology

Start your car in style. With Lexus Keyless Entry you can unlock your car, open the trunk and even start the engine without inserting the key.

This smart key system only requires that a Lexus driver has the key in pocket or bag: the key and car will then communicate to confirm security protocols.

When you then touch either the door handle or the boot lock, they unlock. Starting the car? Simply twist a collar surrounding the ignition key slot.

Click here to view how it works.

The Castaway

A man is stranded on a deserted island, all alone for ten years. One day a gorgeous blonde wearing a wet suit and scuba gear arrives at the island. The diver comes up to the chap and says, "How long has it been since you had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" the castaway answers.

The blonde reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of the wetsuit and pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes.

The islander takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! that's good!"

Then the diver asks, "How long has it been since you had a whiskey?"

The man replies, "Ten years!"

The blonde reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a bottle of Irish whisky and gives it to him.

The man takes a long swallow and says, "Wow, that is fantastic!"

Then the hot blonde starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of the wet suit and says to the man, "And how long has it been since you had real fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

Windows Longhorn Beta not due till 2005...

A first beta release of the next version of Windows likely will be delayed until next year because Microsoft Corp. is concentrating first on a security-focused update to Windows XP, the Redmond, Wash.-based company said Thursday.

Microsoft had said it would deliver a beta version of Longhorn, the code name for the next Windows release, in mid-2004.

However, the test version is now expected in early 2005 because many developers working on Longhorn have been reassigned to work on Service Pack 2 (SP2) for Windows XP, a Microsoft spokesman said.

"Based on what has happened over the past year in the area of security, we took a look at what was going on with Windows...and pulled resources from Longhorn development in order to deliver Windows XP Service Pack 2. That slightly impacted the beta schedule for Longhorn," said Greg Sullivan, lead product manager for Windows at Microsoft.

Windows XP SP2, scheduled for release in the first half of this year, is more than the usual roll-up of bug fixes and updates. Microsoft is using the update to make significant changes to Windows that are designed to improve security in four main areas: network protection, memory protection, e-mail and Web browsing.

Longhorn is a major new Windows release, a "big bet" for Microsoft, chairman and chief software architect Bill Gates said last year. Gates has described Longhorn as a "big breakthrough release" and the most significant release of Windows since Windows 95. Microsoft Corp. chairman and chief software architect Bill Gates on Monday pointed to 2006 as the release year for the next version of Windows, code-named Longhorn.

Speaking at Gartner Inc.'s Symposium/ITexpo event in San Diego, Gates stopped short of setting 2006 as the year for Longhorn, but said that industry speculation that the operating system will come out in 2006 is "probably valid speculation."

Daylight Savings Time!

Don't forget, all you poor folk that don't live in Saskabush! You lose an hour of sleep Saturday night/ Sunday morning.... hehe.... Daylight Savings Time begins April 4th.

Telus

An elderly lady with a dog, called Telus phone company to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring but the dog barked loudly and then the telephone did ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar.
2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinate on the ground.
4. The wet ground would complete the circuit and the phone would ring.

Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them.

*Auntie 'M'

What do us Canucks Have to be PROUD of?

Click here to find why you should be PROUD!

The Irishman

An Irishman moves to the USA & finally attends his first baseball game. The first batter approached the batters' box, took a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run".

The next batter hits a single & the Irishman listened as the crowd again cheered "RUN, RUN"!!

The Irishman enjoyed the game & began screaming with the fans. The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started his slow trot to first base.

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye lazy bastard, run!" The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down. A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained "He can't run -- he's got four balls."

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, lad."

*Thanks, Vlad!

What do those beeps mean?

One question I am frequently asked is: "What do those beeps my computer makes, when it is starting up, mean?" The answer to that question is both simple and complicated at the same time.

Those beeps are called the BIOS beep code. It is an audible code that may beep in a specific pattern to indicate what the problem may be with the system. When the computer system is starting to boot up it performs a "Power On Self Test" or the "POST." At the completion of the POST if there are no problems detected there is usually a short beep and the operating system is loaded.

During the POST, if there is a problem starting the system there may be a visual error message on the display as well describing the problem. If the problem is happening before the video is initialized than the BIOS will play audible beeps to let you know there is a problem. The beep codes can be difficult to determine what they mean. You need to listen carefully for the beeps to determine what the pattern may be.

AMI and Award are the most common BIOS' at this time. They are writing the BIOS for most motherboard manufacturers as well as custom BIOS' for the majority of computer manufacturers. Below is a list of some of the most common AMI and Award BIOS beep codes. Depending on the type of BIOS you have or the brand of your computer there may be different beep patterns.

However, manufacturers of motherboards and the BIOS companies usually have copies of the code for your specific motherboard and BIOS.

Click here for the explanations of both BIOS codes.

New Stealth Fighter!

WARPED NEWZ

- weird people make weird news!

And you thought you were mentally deranged

CROWN POINT, INDIANA -- police have reopened a case of a man who died from 32 hammer blows to his head. The cause of death had been ruled a suicide. The County coroner's opinion stated that a man simply could not remain conscious long enough to hit himself in the head 32 times. (Editor's note - gee ya think?)

PALM SPRINGS, CALIFORNIA - When Jesus returns he'll have more than enough mad money for a new Ferrari or nice place to call home. That's because Ernest Digweed, who died sixteen years ago, left his entire estate to Jesus Christ, the Jesus Christ. The State Trustee Office was instructed to invest his money in government bonds, guaranteeing Jesus a total yield of $615,820 by the end of the century. Digweed's heirs are contesting the will, and have offered an unusual solution: an insurance policy in the same amount payable to Jesus upon his return. Since then, another problem has cropped up. Two individuals, each claiming to be Jesus have filed claims for the money...

UTICA, NY - Dayle Nisi was hospitalized after going skinny dipping at a nearby lake. In a fresh water version of Jaws, a giant snapping turtle used part of Nisi's anatomy as a meal. Nasi later stated, "I felt this excruciating pain in my groin and when I got my bearings, I realized a turtle had bitten my testicles and swam away with them. It's not a nice feeling, I'll tell you that." (future Darwin award hopeful)

*Warped NEWZ

Oh Canada!

New Bagel.U a virus of few words

Antivirus software companies are again warning e-mail users about a new version of the popular Bagel virus, which is spreading on the Internet through infected e-mail messages and targeting machines running the Microsoft Corp. Windows operating system. Bagle is one of a series of worm families that have been plaguing e-mail users in recent months. New versions of Bagle, as well as MyDoom and Netsky have been surfacing on an almost daily basis since January, prompting a frenzy of activity among antivirus researchers who must identify and develop antidotes for each new variant.

Experts are at a loss to explain the recent proliferation of worms, though some have cited an apparent "war" between the authors of the Bagle and Netsky worms as the motivation for the release of many of the variants.

The latest is programmed to stop spreading on Jan. 1, 2005. However, at least one antivirus expert expects many new versions of Bagle to be released in the coming weeks. Read more.

New Depp film needs 300 naked extras

Johnny Depp's new film needs 300 naked extras.

Men and women over the age of 16 are needed as extras in The Libertine which also stars John Malkovich and Samantha Morton.

Shooting is due to take place on the Isle of Man next month, says the Daily Record.

In the film, Depp plays the Earl of Rochester, the debauched 17th century poet and confidant of King Charles II.

The former Page 3 girl Nina Carter, who runs the casting agency Nina's People, is leading the hunt for the extras.

"We are looking for a wide range of extras, some of whom will have to appear naked in the film. There will be full and part nudity parts required. "We are also looking for people to play in crowd scenes with their clothes on," said Carter.

The production is described as "period piece packed with sexual material."

*Ananova

You Can Be A Poet

And Not Even No-It! Go to: WriteExpress Online Rhyming Dictionary.

Try Something New And Fun!

Build a city! Click here.

Potential vs. Reality

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we're living with two whores."

Next Generation Mobile Phones

Want to know what new mobile phones will be out later this year? Part one of the report focuses on the "S"s -- Samsung, Sony, and Siemens, while part two runs from LG to Nokia (with Motorola and Kyocera in between). Don't miss the pictures and descriptions of Siemen's amazing prototypes, along with megapixel phones, new smartphones, flips, and more.

New Phones Due from Samsung, Siemens.


New Phones Due from Motorola, Nokia, LG and more.

Quoth the Twain-Man...

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
--Samuel Clemens (1835 - 1910), Letter to Mrs Foote, Dec. 2, 1887

Gellar wanted to kick ass in Kill Bill

Sarah Michelle Gellar says her ambition is to appear in a martial arts movie.

The Buffy and Scooby Doo star says she would have loved a role in Quentin Tarantino's Kill Bill.

The 26-year-old also says she'll make the move to theatre one day. She said: "I would absolutely love to tread the boards in London. That's something I will do. Maybe not this year, but it's on the horizon, definitely."

Gellar admits she's still coming to terms with the end of Buffy. "Every day I ask myself did I do the right thing? There are so many things I miss about the show. I can go to the gym every day and do all the physical action stuff, but I miss it for so many other reasons."

Cinema fans can see her in Scooby Doo Too: Monsters Unleashed. The sequel meant she got to work with husband Freddie Prinze Jr. "There was no making out. What people don't realise is that when we go to work we're actors and when we go home, we're a couple, " she said.

The movie sees the monster hunting gang of Mystery Inc lose their cool when they're confronted with a masked villain wreaking mayhem.

For Gellar, who plays purple-loving Daphne, it was another chance to do what she loves best - kick some serious butt.

The star is an expert in gymnastics, sword-fighting and Tae Kwon Do and says her ambition is to appear in a martial arts movie. "My favourite is a Korean movie called Hero, which has horseback fighting and fight scenes on water. It's just amazing."

*Ananova

IM spam to triple in 2004: study

Spam sent via instant messaging (IM) is set to become a major nuisance in 2004, with the number of IM spam messages tripling from 400 million to 1.2 billion, according to research firm the Radicati Group. Read more.

Security product flaws attract attackers

The software vulnerability exploited last week by the Witty worm is only the latest in a growing list of flaws being discovered in the very products users invest in to safeguard their systems.

"This is a new realm of risk that users must confront: the security of security (products)," said Andrew Plato, president of Anitian Enterprise Security, a systems integration and consulting firm in Beaverton, Ore.

The Witty worm, which was reported to have damaged 15,000 to 20,000 computers worldwide, took advantage of a flaw involving the BlackIce and RealSecure intrusion-prevention products from Atlanta-based Internet Security Systems Inc. (ISS). The worm wrote random data onto the hard disks of vulnerable systems, causing the drives to fail and making it impossible for users to start up the systems.

The flaw was the result of a buffer-overflow condition in a function used to detect peer-to-peer traffic, said Chris Rouland, director of the X-Force security team at ISS.

Just a few weeks earlier, a vulnerability caused by an unchecked buffer was discovered in a firewall from Zone Labs Inc. in San Francisco. Fred Felman, vice-president of marketing at Zone Labs, said his company also responded quickly, so no exploits were reported. Zone Labs follows "stringent" processes for product quality, Felman added.

Similarly, a critical vulnerability was discovered in an Internet security product from Symantec Corp. that would have let attackers gain remote access to a compromised system. Overall, security vendors average about four critical vulnerabilities each year, according to statistics from ISS.

Peter Ustinov dead

Nearly 20 years ago, on October 31, 1984, he was waiting to interview India's prime minister Indira Gandhi when he heard shots ring out across the lawn at 1, Safdarjung Lane.

Peter Ustinov, Oscar-winning actor, writer and humanitarian, knew instantly that something had gone awfully wrong.

Last night, Ustinov himself passed into the ages at his Swiss home.

Ustinov, best known in India perhaps for his portrayal of the mad Roman monarch in the Biblical epic Quo Vadis, would have turned 83 on April 16. (Wizard's note; Most people seem to die near their birthdays... hmmmm.) He won two Best Supporting Oscars -- for Spartacus and Topkapi.

The colourful British thespian -- who often said he had every strain of European blood in him but English -- was also a fine writer (check out his fine memoir Dear Me) and a long-time ambassador for good causes, notably the UNICEF.

Click here for more details.

Dortmund crowds aghast in Ladies Free Program event of World Figure Skating Championships 2004 when GoldenPalace.com emblazoned streaker strikes for

skating gold ...

DORTMUND, Germany, March 27 /PRNewswire/ -- Dortmund crowds who had gathered to watch the Ladies Free Program earlier today were shocked, stunned ... and in fits of laughter, as a torso tattooed, comically and scantily dressed figure suddenly appeared from nowhere, leaping onto the ice rink and performing a 'Free Dance' of his very own in front of American Skating Champion, Michelle Kwan.

Spectators were clearly surprised. "I'd seen this before, during the Super Bowl I think, but I really didn't expect it here. I guess that's the point..." said one Skating fan who'd traveled all the way from the US to watch the Championships. "This guy in a gold tutu, ski goggles and no shirt just appeared out of nowhere and started skating around, trying to do some spins, just goofing off, you know? He could skate, but he sure couldn't dance (laughs). Michelle Kwan didn't seem to want to be distracted; at least he got a smile out of her! I thought it was pretty funny, seeing him flopping around like a circus clown. He had the whole place laughing for the longest time because security just couldn't catch him."

Everybody Have Fun Tonight

Click above to check out how.

True...True...

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer! Isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
Sorry I'm being such a jackass.

Quote Of The Day

Riddle

Schwarzenegger has a big one -
Michael J. Fox has a small one -
Madonna doesn't have one -
The Pope has one but doesn't use his -
Clinton uses his all the time -
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one -
Liberace never used his on women -
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his -
Cher claims that she took on 3 -
We never saw Lucy use Desi's -
What is it?


Click here to find out.

Cool Site 'O The Day

I can't remember meeting anyone who did not like to pop those little bubbles in bubble wrap. Now you can squish away to your heart's content by clicking here.

Search using Google without opening your browser

Google Deskbar enables you to search with Google from any application without lifting your fingers from the keyboard. Installs easily in your Windows taskbar.



Key Features:

Search using Google, even when your browser isn't running

Preview search results in a small inset window that closes automatically

Access Google from any application by typing Ctrl+Alt+G

Use keyboard shortcuts for multiple Google searches, i.e., Google News (Ctrl+N),Google Images (Ctrl+I), or Froogle (Ctrl+F)


Download Google Deskbar

The Nicotine Patch

Did you hear about the gay guy taking a piss....

He looked at the other guy to his right and saw a nicotine patch on his dick.

He asked "does it work"?

Yep, replied the guy, I'm down to two butts a day.

Romanian villagers decry police investigation into vampire slaying

By MATTHEW SCHOFIELD

Knight Ridder Newspapers

MAROTINU DE SUS, Romania - Before Toma Petre's relatives pulled his body from the grave, ripped out his heart, burned it to ashes, mixed it with water and drank it, he hadn't been in the news much.

That's often the way here with vampires. Quiet lives, active deaths.

Villagers here aren't up in arms about the undead - they're pretty common - but they are outraged that the police are involved in a simple vampire slaying. After all, vampire slaying is an accepted, though hidden, bit of national heritage, even if illegal.

"What did we do?" pleaded Flora Marinescu, Petre's sister and the wife of the man accused of re-killing him. "If they're right, he was already dead. If we're right, we killed a vampire and saved three lives. ... Is that so wrong?"

Yes, according to the Romanian State Police. Its view, expressed by Constantin Ghindeano, the chief agent for the region, is that vampires aren't real, and dead bodies in graves aren't to be dug out and killed again, even by relatives.

He doesn't really have much more to say on this case, other than noting that Petre had been removed from his grave, his heart had been cut out and it was presumed to have been consumed by his relatives. Ghindeano added that police were expanding the investigation, which began in mid-January, to include the after-deaths of others in area.

"The investigation is ongoing, and we expect to file charges later," he said, referring to possible charges of disturbing the peace of the dead, which could carry a three-year jail term. "We are determining whether this was an isolated case or whether there is a pattern in the village."

Romania has been filled with news of the vampire-slaying investigation, and villagers admit there's a pattern, but they argue that that's the reason these matters shouldn't make it to court. There's too much of it going on, and too few complain about the practice.

Vampire slaying is a custom that's been passed down from mother to daughter, father to son, for generations beyond memory, not just in this tiny village of 300 huts astride a dirt cart path about 100 miles southwest of Bucharest, but in scores of villages throughout southern Romania.

Little has changed since the days that Turkish invaders rolled through 500 years ago, seeking the mineral riches of Transylvania just to the north. By day, the people are Roman Catholics. At night, they fear the strigoi, or vampires.

On a recent afternoon, the village's single store, which also serves as its lone bar, was filled with men drinking hard, as they explained the vampire facts to a stranger. Most had at least one vampire in their family histories, and many were related to vampire victims. Most had learned to kill a vampire while still children.

Theirs is not a Hollywood tale, and they laugh at Hollywood conventions: that vampires can be warded off by crosses or cloves of garlic, or that they can't be seen in mirrors. Utter nonsense. Vampires were once Catholics, were they not? And if a vampire can be seen, the mirror can see him. And why would you wear garlic around your neck? Are you adding taste?

No, vampires are humans who have died, commonly babies before baptism or people unfortunate enough to have black cats jump over their coffins. Vampires occur everywhere, but in busy cities no one notices, the men said.

Vampires are obvious when dug up because while they will have been laid to rest on their backs, arms folded neatly across their chests, they will be found on their sides or even their stomachs. They will not have decomposed. Beards will have continued to grow. Their arms will be at their sides, as if they are clawing out of their coffins. And they will have blood - sometimes dried, sometimes fresh - around their mouths.

The cemetery in Marotinu de Sus, Romania. Villagers here are not up in arms about the undead-they're pretty common-but the fact that the police are involved. Bogdon Croitoru / KRT

But the biggest tip-off that a vampire is near is his or her family, for vampires always prey on their families. If family members fall ill after a death, odds are a vampire is draining their blood at night, looking for company.

"That's the problem with vampires," said Doru Morinescu, a 30-year-old shepherd who, like many in the village, has a family connection to the current case. "They'd be all right if you could set them after your enemies. But they only kill loved ones. I can understand why, but they have to be stopped."

Ion Balasa, 64, explained that there are two ways to stop a vampire, but only one after he or she has risen to feed.

"Before the burial, you can insert a long sewing needle, just into the bellybutton," he said. "That will stop them from becoming a vampire."

But once they've become vampires, all that's left is to dig them up, use a curved haying sickle to remove the heart, burn the heart to ashes on an iron plate, then have the ill relatives drink the ashes mixed with water.

"The heart of a vampire, while you burn it, will squeak like a mouse and try to escape," Balasa said. "It's best to take a wooden stake and pin it to the pan, so it won't get away."

Which is exactly what happened with Petre, according to Gheorghe Marinescu, a cheery, aging vampire slayer who was Petre's brother-in-law.

Marinescu's story goes like this: After Petre died, Marinescu's son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter fell ill. Marinescu knew the cause was his dead brother-in-law. So he had to go out to the cemetery.

The first time, he was frightened, so he had a little graveside drink, for courage. He ended up with a little too much courage and couldn't use the shovel. So the next night he returned, and with a proper amount of courage, was successful.

Marinescu said he found Petre on his side, his mouth bloody. His heart squeaked and jumped as it was burned. When it was mixed with water and taken to those who were sick, it worked.

His wife, Petre's sister, interrupted his story with a broom, swinging it at him and a stranger. She was worried that he would incur the wrath of the police, who would jail him.

But then his son Costel called what happened next a miracle. After weeks in bed, Costel got up to walk. His head wasn't pounding. His chest wasn't aching. His stomach felt fine.

"We were all saved," he said. "We had been saved from a vampire."

But how could he be sure his illness came from a vampire?

"What other explanation is possible?" he asked.