Something To Offend Everyone...
Best Smart-ass Answers!
Smart-ass Answer #1:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
Smart-ass Answer #2:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Smart-ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well, I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Smart-ass Answer #4:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low bridge ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Smart-ass Answer #5, THE TEACHER SMART-ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow, I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess I'd say you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
How Jews got the 10 Commandments
God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better." And the Arabs asked, "what are Commandments ?" And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." "Can you give us an example ?" "Thou shalt not kill " "Not kill ? We're not interested."
So the Lord went to the blacks and said, "I have Commandments for you" And the Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother" "Father ? We don't know who our fathers are."
So the Lord went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments for you." And the mexicans wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal." "Not steal ? We're not interested."
The Lord went to the French and said, I have Commandments for you. The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery." "Not commit adultery ? We're not interested."
The Lord went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments for you." "Commandments ?" , they said, "How much are they ?" "They're free" "We'll take 10!"
This One is very 'Punny!'
This piece of string walks into a bar. But he's hardly through the door when the bartender yells, "Hey, String! Get outta here!" Hours later, the piece of string is still trying to find a drink. So he ruffles his ends and contorts himself. As he goes into yet another bar, the bartender says, "Are you a piece of string?" The piece of string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
*Thanks LEO =)